The Dream Wars

The Dream Wars

Geo and I are battling in our sleep.

Two weeks ago, I crawled into bed after a long night of Mario Tennising and kissed him goodnight. His response was to say "Get off me." I wasn't trying to get some or anything but still, the rejection was a bit harsh. And amusing, considering he was still pretty much asleep. I figured he must have had a dream of some sort in which I did something bad. So naturally, I started messing with him.

Me: Why are you so cranky?
Geo: You just cheated on me.
Me: Really, with who?
Geo: Tony.
Me: Oh come on, that doesn't count.
Geo: Yeah it does.
Me: No it doesn't count if you slept with the person before.
Geo: Yeah it does!
Me: So when did this happen?
Geo: While I was at work.
Me: How did you find out?
Geo: You told me.
Me: He TOLD you?? Dammit I knew that guy couldn't keep his mouth shut.
Geo: No, YOU told me.
Me: What? Now why the hell would I do something as stupid as that?
Geo: I don't know.
Me: So is Tony's lunch hour all of a sudden 4 hours long, because his work is like an hour and a half from here.
Geo: He took the day off.
Me: He took the day off to bang me??? Woo-hoo!! I rock!!
Geo: Shut up. I hate you.
Me: Sorry.

I spent the rest of the night hugging him just to annoy him. That morning he sat up and said "You broke my heart." And I actually felt bad for a moment, despite the fact that it was Dream Me that had the indiscretion, that little ho.

Yesterday, Dream Geo got back at me twofold. It all started out innocently enough. Those are the worst dreams, the ones that lull you into thinking nothing bad is going to happen. The dream first started out with me and Donald Trump riding around Manhattan in one of those Filipino tricycle things. I was his friend or something and he was going from store to store buying shit. The boxes were piling up so I asked if we could call his limo driver (who turned out to be Aud's brother Andrew) but he said no. Later on I was wandering the New York City Public Library but all the books were gone and instead there were racks of clothing for sale and a whole bunch of autistic children dancing in the aisle. We climbed into the elevator and it started making a screeching sound and the autistic kids went crazy and I had to calm then down. Then I was back in some condo and the woman who was supposed to be watching them was yelling at Donald Trump for dumping them at the library and leaving.

Suddenly the dream changed and I was in some room with a small 20-foot pool in it. Even though it was indoor, I was laying out because there were tanning lamps or something and a hippie-looking DJ in the corner. Some 16-year-old kid kept pestering me and when I went to the DJ to discuss opera of all things, he tried to cockblock. Eventually to get away from him I jumped into the pool, but there were like 15 people in there already and I had to climb out because I kept wondering about the water to urine ratio of the pool.

Then I was sitting at some banquet for Geo's work that was magically in the same small room. Some short, dumpy Spanish chick was sitting next to me and she kept waving around this company newsletter. I got the feeling she was doing it on purpose so I read the top lines. It read something to the effect of Spanish Girl (forgot her name) "convinced Geo to buy his wife a Brooks CD from a concert they went to and pretend he bought her the love song CD because he thought of her" or something like that. I read it, knew it'd meant Geo had fucked around and ran out into the hall and punched him. Our friend Allan pulled me off him, so I just kept yelling and Geo did this thing he does in real life when I get too snarky during arguments, he put his finger up and said "Chill. You're taking it too far" and left.

The dream got really scary there because Geo got hurt (no, I didn't beat his ass with a bat) and it felt so damn real that I woke myself up. Like I forced myself to wake up, chanting "This is just a dream" in my head. But I didn't wake up mad, I woke up scared. And then I looked over to make sure he was okay, and then got cranky he cheated on me with some dumpy Spanish girl. With acne.

They say that when you dream of your spouse cheating on you it's not that you're worried that they would bang someone else, but that you feel they put something ahead of your needs, i.e. their job or hobby or the NBA on TNT. But we don't do that, so I think we just had those dreams because we're dorks.

Anyway, he started it with his dream. Tonight I'm going to dream that he ran over my dog. I think we need to get out more, we hang out at home so much we're inventing drama. Today I got an e-mail from Geo that was signed "Love, your husband who doesn't cheat on you in real life but does in your dreams." Actually it was just two dreams, this one and one I had when I was pregnant, in which he hooked up with the daughter of a Columbian drug lord. Ooooh I woke up mad after that one! Pregnancy hormones. Anything can set you off when you're pregnant. You get mad at mayonnaise and the doorbell regularly.