Black Friday Madness

Black Friday Madness

I'm only posting now because it's taken me 38 hours to recuperate. Geo and I were in desperate need of a new TV, so we decided to brave the crowds at Best Buy on the morning of Black Friday. With the precision of soldiers planning to storm a well-fortified stronghold, we identified the Best Buy in East Hanover as the one most likely to have the least amount of early birds. The one in Secaucus is in close proximity to Newark and Jersey City, while the one in Union is in the middle of Route 22, the consumer capital of central Jersey. The store opened at 5 so we planned to leave the house by 2 a.m.

On Wednesday night, after a plateful of garlic mashed potatoes, stuffing, turkey, sauteed onions and bell peppers, Geo and the kids went to bed early. I on the other hand, decided to drink a crapload of rum. For practical purposes of course, to keep my body temperature high while waiting for two hours in 19 degree weather. We got to Best Buy a little before 3 a.m. and there was a line in place, wrapping around the fricken building. Every Best Buy was only promising a minimum stock of TWO of the televisions we wanted, and there were about 60 people ahead of us. After a quick conference ("Fuck it, we're here already") we got in line. It was colder than a witch's ears. I would have said tit but you know, those never really get ice cold. So it makes no sense that a witch's tit, despite her overall body temperature, would be colder than her ears. But I digress.

We stood around shaking for an hour, then cheerful Best Buy employees began handing out reservation tickets for the popular items. Naturally, our television wasn't one of them. Luckily though, this served to weed out a bunch of people in front of us, who left when they realized they weren't going to get their $350 Toshiba laptops. The thing that cracked me up the most was how close-mouthed people in line were about what exactly they were planning to buy. Geo and I did it as well. Even though the item was on the advertisement that over a 150 people were currently thumbing through. Whenever we spoke to the people around us it was always "what we came here to get" instead of "the $390 widescreen HDTV." International spies are more forthcoming with their plans. By the way, it's fun to stand in line on Black Friday and say things like "What's this line for?" Or, "I'm only waiting here to get Shrek 2 for 6 bucks."

At 4:45, the Best Buy people started getting ready to open their doors. That's when about 60 people bum rushed from the side, who hadn't waited in line. Fuckers. I was getting seriously pissed as I saw that after waiting in the freezing cold for 2 hours, instead of being the 50th person or so through the doors, we were about to be the 100th. So I grabbed Geo and started insinuating us through cracks and between people until we were nearer to the front. It's like sex. The key is to slip through holes, not bang psychotically against people until you get lucky. The doors opened and as planned Geo went straight to the television section while I detoured through the DVDs to pick up Shrek 2 (Thought I was kidding? Remember who plays Puss In Boots?)

When I got to the TVs, Geo was the fourth person in line to order. The guy in front of him was one of the people who had cut the line and if he had ordered "our" TV I seriously might have started an all-out rumble. I was packing... a granola bar, some cough drops and Burt's Bees chapstick. MacGuyver could have totally built weaponry with that. But he got something else and so, WE GOT OUR TV, WOOT! The guy behind us got one too and then that was it. They were all out. The ad said "minimum 2 in stock per store" and they meant that shit. Have to give them props though, the customers were rabid, but the Best Buy employees were great. You know that crap you see on TV with people stampeding? There wasn't any of that at all in East Hanover.

Overall, it was a lot more harmless than I thought it was going to be. I totally didn't even need my cammies. Janelle and Manny hit up Circuit City down south in Deptford I think it was, and when they left cops were swarming the place. Some guy stabbed another one over a fricken laptop. Smart move. It's 30 years in jail but hey, he saved $300.