Dear Riss

Dear Riss

It would be kind of fun to have an advice column. I mean, I would never actually want one because it's too much responsibility. I can just picture someone throwing himself off a cliff because he didn't recognize sarcasm. But in comedic theory it sounds like it could be fun.

So I tapped into some e-mails (new and old) and decided to have my very own advice column for a day. Or rather, the 15 minutes it takes me to write this.

Courtesy of Kwam, via a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend:

Dear Riss,

"What's your opinion on this scenario?"
A friend of mine called me today disgusted and told me that she was at the house of a guy she hooks up with. This morning she noticed that her toothbrush was in the wrong place. When she inquired about it, the guy said very casually "I used it." She lost it. He was upset and said he didn't see anything wrong with it especially since he rinsed it off after he finished using it. He said he only used it twice, because he wanted to try it since "it was a new kind."

I read this out loud to Geo right now and couldn't fucking stop laughing over it. I kept picturing the girl so disgusted and the guy really having no clue why she was so pissed.

The answer is just one of those weird things. Have you swapped saliva with this guy? Yes. Tasted his sperm? Sure. Kissed him after he's gone down on you? Right on. Is it okay for him to use your toothbrush? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell him to put the toothbrush down then back slooooooowly away from the toothbrush. Jesus H. Christ this is just one of those things that shouldn't have to be told. You wipe your ass after you take a dump, you don't blow-dry your hair while taking a bubble bath, you don't eat rotten dairy products and you never, ever, ever ever ever use someone else's toothbrush when your own is readily available to you, or will be available to you some time in the next week.

I said "next week" because in all honesty, if we were stranded on a desert island I wouldn't mind if Geo needed to use my toothbrush. Who wants to make out with someone who hasn't brushed his teeth in three months. Don't forget to be tested for TTDs like gingivitis and gum disease.

Dear Riss,

My wife caught me checking out some girl at the mall. Now she's really angry and hurt. What do I do?

Dear Peeping Tom,

Tell your wife that since she's already hurt, you might as well confess that you cheated on her with her best friend. Give her about 8 seconds or so to absorb the news, while remaining out of striking distance. Then say "Okay that wasn't true but didn't that hurt? THAT'S real pain, not this I-caught-him-looking-at-a-cute-girl-at-the-mall bullshit. Remember that next time and suck it up." Then run really fast.

Dear Riss,

My father-in-law keeps coming over with random lawn ornaments. I'd like to cut it off before he thinks of pink flamingos. What do I do?

Dear Lawn Ornamented,

Round up all the lawn ornaments at around 3am then throw them into your truck. Share the wealth with people in other towns, whether they want it or not. Then tell your father-in-law that "hooligans" stole your lawn ornaments and that you're disappointed, but there's no point in giving you any more because "You just can't own anything nice these days."

Dear Riss,

My girlfriend doesn't like going down on me. She says it's gross. What do I do?

Dear Orally Deprived,

Run!!!!!! Unless she thinks it's gross because your penis is covered with green bumps and smells like cheese. Then RUN, but to the doctor. You might want to have that looked at.

Dear Riss,

I'm really stressed all the time. What's a good stress reliever?

Dear Panties Bunched,

You know what I do when I'm really stressed? I walk over to my dog, pick him up and just fucking shake him for like ten minutes. Okay just kidding, but the image was funny in my head. The best stress reliever is sex. Go get laid, twice, and call me in the morning. If your man isn't readily available then use a different one. Just kidding. If your man isn't readily available then make a date with your hand. Probably easier anyway, it won't ask you to make it a sandwich afterwards.

Dude that was fun. I could really go for this advice column thing.