I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie

I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie

Ray is in town from Australia for a week so me, Geo, Girlie, LJ, Steve and of course Ray hit up Cuban Cafe on Eighth Ave to grub and drink mojitos. The food was pretty good but it's really noisy. So it's a good place to take a casual date who's hot but never has anything interesting to say. I however, was surrounded by really funny people so I had to strain to hear things like "It's not that I wouldn't bang an Aborigine, just that I haven't met one yet that I've liked in that way."

After dinner, we considered hitting up Splash aka Splush but it was Men Only night. So we asked the waiter where the nearest place to drunkenly karaoke was and he directed us to Chelsea Grill a few blocks away. On our way we stopped in some clothing store where the salesclerk proceeded to lecture me on my alleged under-accessorization. I was wearing a tank top and dangly earrings so naturally I didn't wear a necklace. He went on and on about how I should have worn one and I pretended to take his advice into consideration but come on. I'm not about to take fashion tips from a guy in a powder blue midriff.

Anyway, we eventually got to the bar, ordered drinks and began perusing the song book. The night started off hot because the first people sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen (a karaoke staple) and they did it pretty well. LJ and Steve broke the ice for our group by busting out "In The End" by Linkin Park. They grabbed their mics and as the intro started the following conversation took place:

LJ: You do the rap part.
Steve: No, you do the rap part.
LJ: No you do it.
Me: Luke, you have to do it. You're the only black guy here. You have to do the rap part, it's like a law or something. We're Filipino so if you weren't here then we'd do it, but we're the second option.
Ray: WE'RE NUMBER TWO!!! WE'RE NUMBER TWO!!!
Everyone else at our table: WE'RE NUMBER TWO!!! WE'RE NUMBER TWO!!!

Ray and I then followed up with "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick. It's a bit uncomfortable singing in public with Ray, because you're acutely aware of the fact that your voice doesn't compare to his. But I did pounce on the opportunity to abuse the mic by using it to ask Steve to get me a shot.

Ten songs later (not ours), Ray announced that Chelsea Grill was the straightest gay bar he'd ever been to. Three hours and not a single Celine Dion song. No Donna Summer, no Barbra, no I-Will-Surviving. Not even a single instance of "It's Raining Men." The only thing that came close was when one guy sang "I Will Always Love You." But by then we were all drunk and singing along so we didn't care.

Some chick who was a member of a bachlorette party bumped into G. I joked to her that G should have moved her "big ass" (G is like a size 1). The girl thought I was saying that she herself had the big ass and started apologizing profusely for it. I thought that was funny. I mean, if I had been saying that SHE was the carrier of the big ass, them's fightin' words aren't they? And incidentally, who throws a bachlorette party at a gay bar? Does that not kill the point of the bachlorette party?

Girlie and Luke left early for their long ass drive back to Bumblefuck Connecticut, but before he left he put in to sing "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot. Hence, the title of this post. I told him I would sing it with him then left to go to the bathroom. I was hoping he'd forgotten my stupid offer when I hear over the speakers "Riss.... come up here." Damn. Oh well, I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothas can't deny. When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face YOU GET SPRUNG! I have a soft spot for that song, my best friend George in high school loved it and used to play it over and over again in the car. Then again, he was Guatemalan so he liked big butts and couldn't lie either.

Me: Get up there and sing a solo.
Ray: No.
Me: Why not?
Ray: I'm shy.
Me: You have an amazing voice but won't perform because you're shy. You are like the worst gay guy ever.

Geo wanted to hear "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond (another karaoke staple) but none of us knew the lyrics. So I filled it out onto a request slip, left the name blank and asked a group of guys standing near us to sing it. "Can you guys sing this song? We'd like to but we can't pull it off." Because we're not white. Oh who am I kidding. We sing that song at the top of our lungs like it's nobody's business. But not into a mic. Speaking of which, Geo kept telling me to sing closer to the mic but um EEW! Germs. Some of those people were so drunk they were licking the mic. But then I took it away from Steve.

The best part of nights like this isn't just the camaraderie, it's also watching Steve pick up. Because damn that's funny. He just leans back and lets the Australian accent do the picking up. I met a new friend (Matt) and shared him with my other friends. Geo didn't pick up anyone, but I think a guy did try to do some recon and find out if he pitched for the other team, because a minute later Geo was very publicly displaying his heterosexuality. Just kidding, he doesn't care about shit like that. I also test drove WOOT since I was buzzed. Let's just say, it's best left for private or the written word. Woot!!!!! And yes... MY ANACONDA DON'T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS HON!