Our friends Ray and Matt stopped in New York for a few days, en route to Europe. They're from Australia and I guess since Australia is so damn far away they figured they might as well see as much of our side of the world as possible. So they hit up California and NYC and are also going to Madrid, Venice, Rome, London and Athens. They wanted to check out the gay bar scene in the city so on Wednesday we hit up G-Lounge on 19th Street.
G-Lounge was a decent place, chic and trendy. Except of course, the fat pervert in the "men's" room who jerked off at a urinal for about two hours. I say "men's" room because although there was also a "women's" room, men used that too. But they don't care about hearing me pee so I don't care about them hearing it. It was a good night overall, but unfortunately for me, I had one of those crazy nights where nothing you drink feels like it has any effect and then BAM! One drink sends you to "that place." I went to that place and built a home.
After a bunch of red bull and vodkas, plus a few lemon drops and a tequila shot, I had decided that there wasn't point to furthering my alcoholic intake. So I asked the bartender for one more shot of tequila and decided to call it a night. He pours my so-called shot and it's more like a glass of tequila. But what the hell, I think idiotically to myself, and down it. Famous last words. I was GONE. I sat around in the back with my friends for awhile, then for some reason decided to walk back to the bar. I apparently decided it was too far and sat down at some table with 4 random black guys, who (according to my friends) were sitting in "hotness order." I had no clue. They could walk up to me on the street tomorrow and slap me and I'd have no idea who they are. Yet I spoke to them for almost an hour, until my friends dragged me out.
The next morning, I of course felt like hell because I got home and passed into oblivion without drinking any water. I figured I was on the Injured Reserve for Thursday night's festivities, but then started feeling guilty about flaking since it was Matt and Ray's last night in the U.S. So after a nap and some excellent, bean-free Mexican food, I was game for another night on the town. I decided against imbibing any more liquor though, because the last time I had been drunk on back-to-back nights was in 2002. Needless to say, I wasn't certain I could hang with it. Oh how the mighty have fallen.
So me, Aud, Ray and Matt got dolled up to meet Girlie, her husband Luke (aka "This Guy") and Kat at Splash, which is also known as Splush. Well it was known to me on my drunken Wednesday as Splush. I believe my exact words were "Hey, the splack guys are going to Splush too." Splush was pretty damn fun. After a round of lemon drop shots (yes, my liquor embargo lasted all of seven minutes) we went outside to have a group smoke. Once out there I saw a cute guy wearing a shirt that said "Italians do it better" which I thought was funny. I wanted to get ones for the guys that said "Aussies do it better" so I walked up and asked him where he got it and that led to a nice fun conversation.
His name was Pat, he got the shirt on Madonna.com and while we were talking he got a phone call from his mom because she wanted to know if he had seen Survivor. He told us to say hi to his mom and as we were walking away, I jokingly said to Girlie "Hi Mom, your son is really hot." Five minutes later Pat walked back up after his phone call and said "My mom says she knows her son is hot." Pat was ultra cute and if I were a gay man I'd be all about him. Although he did say he made out with a couple of girls at the club earlier and he did offer to take me home with him. A gay guy who likes women, weird.
Pat also introduced us to his friend Angel, a crossie who dug on Luke. Luke was a good sport about it though, he let "her" caress his under-armor and everything. No that's not a euphemism or anything. Under-armor is some lycra-esque bodysuit you wear under your clothes so if you take a spill on your bike your skin isn't left all over the pavement. After Luke left, we went inside to dance some more. I saw another hot gay guy but I only saw him in profile. When he turned to face me fully, I was instantly blinded by massive quantities of bling. It was just the weirdest thing. Hot guy, wearing a scully and raver-type clothes and all of a sudden BOOM. Gold medallions up the ying-yang. It was just so random and unexpected. He lost quite a few hot points for that. One for each chain link. So he was in the negative hot points by the time I got done calculating.
While we were all dancing, this Freak On A Leash (I think it was the mask, he had this weird small Zorro mask on) came by and started dancing with us. Ray and I kept pulling these really smooth evasive manoeuvres which were foiled by Girlie and Kat who kept playing with him by tugging on his leash. We kept trying to send them mental signals to stop so that he would leave but it's like they had blocked us out of their minds. I hate it when my mind control powers are on the fritz. The guy ended up catching me finally (even after I straight up ran away when Aud tried to hand me his leash) and put a dollar bill into my hand, then used my poor unwitting hand to stuff the bill into the go-go dancer's shimmery gold thong. Afterwards he patted the dancer's penis with my hand. Thanks for that one. It felt a bit weird though. He did the same thing to Girlie who said she thought he might've had a sock in there.
Later on Leash Guy cornered us outside again. His name was Jorge pronounced "whore-hay" and he asked me what I thought of his name. I told him I thought it was vastly appropriate. He then proceeded to tell me he loved cock. I told him he was in the right place. We soon bounced because we were all hungry as hell. We hit up a diner around the corner and at the next table there was some guy drunkenly talking mad shit. Girlie told him off but I told her to just ignore him because he was getting off on being yelled at. Finally when he saw he couldn't get a rise out of her anymore, he said something about not liking the island because it had "too many fags" and he "didn't like fags." I couldn't let that one go by, so I said to my table (of course loud enough to carry) "If you don't like 'fags' then what the hell are you doing eating at a diner in CHELSEA? That's a very smart thing to do. You're really bright." We all laughed and he just bounced after that.
The absolute best part of the night was that Ray and Matt were really good sports about letting us molest Matt. We were all big fans of Matt's hotness and it was fun making joking propositions to him in front of Ray. I scored pretty good that night. I got to grab everyone's ass (I was the judge of the Firm Ass Competition between Ray and Luke at G-Lounge and it just kind of carried over to include everyone else in our party AND Pat and Angel.) I also got to grind up on everyone in my party, was told I was beautiful by a crossie, Pat wanted to take me home with him, I touched a penis that had no interest in me whatsoever but was still a penis (or a sock) AND Ray and Matt both said they'd do me if they were straight. WOO-HOO! I told Ray to watch out because if I ever get my hands on a Magic Un-Gayifying Wand I am so hitting Matt with it. Then of course, I'd have to run for my life because Ray would kill me slowly.
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