Random Thoughts Again

Random Thoughts Again

1. Why do you cough when you clean your ears? Is it just some random anatomical thing or is it just something that happens only to me, because I jam the Q-tip in there like it's nobody's business?

2. When Aud and I go out with the twins, I keep waiting for someone to ask me if they're twins. Because I want to say "No. This one is mine and that one is hers. They look the same because they have the same daddy." Then Aud could say "We got pregnant on the same night. At the same time actually." It's really fun saying shit like that to people sometimes. Once, Geo and I were at Friday's, arguing over who would kick whose ass if Jet Li and Bruce Lee got into a fight. The waiter came over and asked if we were brother and sister or boyfriend and girlfriend. I replied, "Both. Is that gross?" He kinda laughed but I didn't say I was just kidding so he kind of just walked away uncomfortably.

3. Okay I have an addition, no, THE addition to my "Most Annoying, Non-Serious Things That Can Happen To Your Body List." Right now I have a mosquito bite on the bottom of my foot. Mosquito bites in general are bothersome as all hell but a mosquito bite on the bottom of your foot, right in the arch, is annoying as all hell to the nth power. Speaking of that list, another thing I forgot to add are warts. No not those kind of warts, regular warts. I had one of them as a kid once, on my middle finger. Appropriate huh. Can you get warts from overuse. Anyway, I had it for like a month and none of the treatments worked (they didn't have those neat over-the-counter freeze off things yet). So one day my friend told me that the only way to get rid of a wart was to have someone else buy it off you. So she gave me a quarter and bought my wart off me and the next day it was gone. I SWEAR TO GOD YO.

4. Aud and I have a new club called the "SPAM In My Collapsing Ass Club" SIMCAC. We are the only two members and our titles which are changed monthly are "Czarina" and "Empress." Next month it will be "Chief Emissary" and "Commander-In-Chief." We're still debating whether or not to let in anyone else, because we know we'll receive an enormous influx of applications and we may not have time to process them all. Actually, Audrey's being the snooty one. I voted to let other people in and charge them a one-time hundred dollar application fee.

5. Mike J came over last week and said he got Geo's Christmas present already. Every year I say I'm not going to be one of those people at the mall on December 24th but guess what, every year I am. Mike J is apparently not. Well since I know the burning question in everyone's mind right around now is "What should I get Riss or her kids for Christmas this year" might I point out this site for ideas. How cute is that gear? Okay, no cheerleading wear for my kids please. And none of those pedophile-magnet shorts with the writing on the ass. But everything else is good. Especially the jerseys and the scullys.

6. I take back everything rude that I've ever said about the Nestle Corporation. 99.9999999 percent of you won't remember, but I threw a fit when they discontinued their Alpine White candy bars. I mean those were just the best of the best. White chocolate with nuts, what the hell is there not to like? And those commercials with the chic on the swing on a mountaintop... "Nothing's ever sweet as this, N-E-S-T-L-E-S sweet dreams you caaaaaaan't resist." Okay I just guessed at the lyrics. But I think I'm close. That commercial rocked. It made me feel like Heidi (as in the book by Johanna Spyri, not Heidi the stripper at Lace.) Anyways, I take it all back. Their new Nestle vanilla milk mix is AWESOME. I'm drinking some right now and it's totally worth the price I'm going to pay later, since I'm lactose intolerant.

7. Do you want to know exactly HOW idiotic Aud and I are when we're together? The other day after we picked up Ray and Matt from JFK, we missed about 4 exits off the highway because every time we went under an overpass, one of us would say "Hey, the rain's stopped" in a different accent. We did every accent under the sun and them some, before finally deciding that the Cartman accent was the best. So the last 7 overpasses or so we alternated the Cartman voice and each and every time we laughed like a couple of loons. Girlie was ready to kill us. She was following in the next car and wondering where the hell we were going. Meanwhile Aud and I are laughing hysterically over what might be the stupidest thing in the entire world. "Screw you guys, seriously!"

8. Do you ever do something so inane (besides the previous item) but at the time it made perfect sense to you until you actually did it? No I'm not talking about the time you banged some ho in stall number 3 at some dinghy little bar. Just right now I decided to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The bread is on top of the fridge, so I reach up to get some, leaving the bag where it is out of sheer laziness. When it comes time to close the bag up, I can't because my hands are full of bread slices. But do I go and get a plate? No no. That would make too much sense. Instead, I tuck the bread UNDER MY ARM (almost in my armpit) and go about closing the bag with these mushy and cold pieces of bread tucked against me. Who the hell does that??? Oh. I do.

9. I'm having a Bad Computer Day. Anyone ever have one of those? It's like a Bad Hair Day but even more annoying because you can't just put a hat on your computer and go about your business. Sitemeter is having issues (the daily visit number keeps fluctuating from 59 to 4 to 68 to 3), Photobucket keeps "losing" my album and Blogger is slow as all hell. Normally this crap wouldn't bug me but I get exactly 20 minutes while the girls are sleeping to write a damn post. This cuts into my time. And the noise from me smashing the keyboard into the screen will probably wake them up. Being that me breathing in the other room or a dog barking three streets over wakes them up, I'd say my computer hissy fit would definitely wake them up.

10. My newest threat when my friends are being smarmy is that I'm going to slip into their rooms when they stay over and lick their faces while they sleep. It's a really fun threat to make. I tell them I'm going to start at their chins and just lick all the way up to their foreheads. The other day, I was planning to wake Aud up by taking a wet sponge and smearing it up her face but she woke up before me. CRATS!!!

Aud: Look at Tony and George. Every time one does something the other goes with him.
Me: Yup.
Aud: It's like they can't ever do anything without the other.
Me: I know, they're like a gay couple.
Aud: Yeah. You wanna go have a smoke?
Me: Okay.

As we got up to leave, the realization dawned that we were a couple of hypocrites.