My last Dear Riss post received questions in the comments section so I feel it incumbent upon me to help my fellow man and woman. Okay no, it was just really fun the last time. My advice is about as helpful as a condom in lamaze class.
Dear Riss,
My wife watches the Lifetime network. It drives me crazy. I was considering using the parental lock so she can't access the channel, is this wrong?
Dear Hatin' On Lifetime,
This is a tricky situation, because Lifetime Television is a deplorable but popular adversary. We would all benefit from a D.A.R.E.-type program to keep women off Lifetime, yet the current political administration has yet to answer my numerous written requests for a Lifetime Czar.
I'm not certain you want to use the parental lock, she might use it back on you and there goes Sportscenter or the Food Network.
Try the most logical approach. Tell your wife that in all fairness, if she gets to watch Lifetime then you should receive an equal amount of time to watch lesbian p0rn. It's a win-win situation I think. Either you don't have to watch that godforsaken channel anymore OR you get to watch chicks make out as a consolation prize. If that doesn't work you can try sitting next to her and jerking off or bursting into tears every time she watches it. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dear Riss,
I have a friend who can't stop saying things like "fo shizzle" and "wat's the dilly yo". He's white. What should I do? Should I slap him harder next time?
Dear Friend of Malibu's Most Wanted,
If he's someone you really like (Vanilla Ice moments, notwithstanding) then well... you're going to have to make a big sacrifice for your friend. No, I'm not suggesting you tear your ears off though that may be a consequence of my advice. I suggest you pile yourselves into his Jetta, drive down to Camden or even Newark will do, park in front of a club that just let out and let him talk himself into an ass whooping. I guarantee the phrase "fo shizzle mah nizzle" will never again leave his lips. Of course, you probably won't escape the brawl unscathed but that's the price of good friendship.
Dear Riss,
Why are (some) guys cold & emotionless? How can a guy see you for over a year and not get attached to you emotionally?
Dear Frozen Out,
You want to know what he's thinking? Get him drunk then fire away. Sloshed. Wasted. Plastered. Smashed. Beer is like a truth serum on tap.
Okay I'm kidding. Are you sure he feels NOTHING? Some men tend to be more nonverbal, relying instead on their actions to show that they love a person versus flowery words. In all honesty, I don't think very many guys could stay in an actual relationship for over a year and remain completely cold and emotionless. Either he's really good at keeping things inside or he's a sociopath. The first one can be overcome, the second not so much. Unless you're one of those crazy murder groupies.
If you absolutely need to know where you stand, tell him you just need to know at least this once. In the end, it all comes down to how much effort you're willing to exert and whether or not you feel he's worth it. Being with someone who tends to keep his feelings in is not easy. Every argument you have is going to be like pulling teeth. Sometimes, you actually have to pull teeth. I have stopped arguing with Geo, choosing instead to bang my head against the wall until my unanswered questions go away. Okay that's not true, but I have learned to choose my battles.
Dear Riss,
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just kidding. But damn that song is so catchy.
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