Important News Stories

Important News Stories

I think with all these news stories going around about things like the war in Iraq, Roberts' Supreme Court nomination, the Discovery's successful return, the interest rate going up, the REALLY significant stories are getting lost.

Really very important news you may have missed because you were busy reading all that other garbage:

1. Three of the jurors in the Michael Jackson case might now actually believe he's a pedophile. Apparently the whole sleeping-with-little-boys-and-plying-kids-with-liquor thing didn't clue them in. But after going home and watching the video for "Smooth Criminal" a few times, they decided that maybe they had indeed erred in their decision. If you don't believe me go watch the video. Michael looks at that little dancing kid the way I look at country-fried steak.

2. Hot 97 has to pay a 240K fine and donate money to a domestic violence charity for their "smackfest" contests, where women slapped each other willingly for money. Because you know, that's what causes men to go out and beat the shit out of their wives, listening to women slap each other for $200 on the radio. I'm all for charitable causes but sometimes we jump from point A to point Z like it's an Olympic track and field event.

3. Marilyn Monroe died of an enema but was actually reincarnated 11 months later. No really.

4. Paris Hilton and her dad both call her mom "Mommy." Seriously. Someone at the Boston Herald wrote an article confirming the fact. If this isn't proof that Boston is gay I don't know what is. Shhhh Bostonites. Don't be mad. Deep down inside even you know Boston is gay.

5. Bad Asian women drivers now have a spokesperson. But I bet she looks stylin' in her mug shot.

6. Yet another long and boring awards show will remain as long and boring as ever. I know people were worried about this issue, so I just want to alleviate fears before anyone does anything drastic.

Sorry about this post. But seriously, if I have to know these stupid things because I was reading headlines one day, then you have to too. It's only fair. Okay I'm full of it, I deliberately went looking for lame stories and voila! Or how Mike spells it, "Wallah."

Here's one interesting article though, courtesy of an e-mail from Kwame:

"Remember that time at work and you caught me not listening to you and you put it on your gripe list? Well this proves that it wasn't my fault."

Regardless of such a scientific study, I think the fact that men can't hear women is just yet another trick of evolution. Women have probably been nagging since the dawn of time, so men have finally learned how to deal with it (without actually having to take out the trash).