May 26, 2005

All For A Nice Pair of Naboobs

All For A Nice Pair of Naboobs

Tony, Geo and I caught Revenge of the Sith last night. It was so good it inspired some back-in-the-day lingo. "That movie was straight up ILL." No really, it was though. You can tell a movie is good when it's 2 1/2 hours long and you think it wasn't long enough. It was a lot better than the first two, but I'm one of like eight people who liked those as well. A few thoughts (spoilers ahead):

On the previews: Damn there are some good movies coming out this year. I almost stood up and cheered when I saw that they made The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe into a movie. The Chronicles of Narnia were my favorite books as a kid. That and Choose Your Own Adventure. Also, Fantastic Four looks awesome and it has two people from my Top 10 in it, Julian McMahon (Dr. Christian Troy on Nip/Tuck) and Jessica Alba. Stealth looks good enough that I'm willing to overlook the fact that it has that annoying chick from 7th Heaven in it. And we can't forget Batman Begins because although I'm less-inclined to buy Christian Bale as my favorite DC Comics character ever, I am being open-minded about it.

On the movie:

1. Anakin was a complete tool, he's much better as Darth Vader. As a Jedi he was a walking waste of meticlorians. Please God let me have spelled that word wrong or I'm going to feel like a big fat nerd.

2. How come the Jedi can't sense that Anakin and Padme are hooked up? I can always tell when MY friends are banging on the DL, why can't they?

3. The scenes with all the Wookies were cool. I want to go hang out in Cheweyland. I bet they roast meat and play Spades and hug each other a lot.

4. I got a bit teary when the clones annihilated the Jedi. I mean it was just so underhanded. Warriors should die in battle versus a visible enemy, not with gunshots to the back. Horrible. How are they going to get to Valhalla now.

5. How fun is it to see Yoda throw people around with The Force? Thank God I don't have The Force. I lack the willpower to resist that kind of temptation. I'd be throwing all sorts of people then pretending to look behind me to see who did it. Yeah right. I'd throw people in line at Walmart then go "AND WHAT?!?! Don't cut me bitch!!!"

6. "You're either with me or my enemy." "There is no room for absolutism in democracy." George Lucas wants to convince people he didn't make any political statements in the movie? Heh. I love it when Hollywood wants to make statements but not enough to risk raking in the big bucks. Don't know why George Lucas cared though, he could have shown a three-minute clip of lumberjacks kicking puppies and people would have still gone to see the movie.

7. I know Anakin is like the Jedi version of a pro athlete, but how was he SO dumb that he didn't realize that even if he succeeded in "saving" Padme's life, she wouldn't want to be with the Sith Lord's apprentice? I mean that's more than stick-a-penny-in-an-electrical-socket-to-see-what-happens dumb. That's blow-drying-your-hair-in-the-bathtub dumb.

8.Obi-Wan should have made sure Anakin was dead. I mean it's not like when he killed Darth Maul, who was in pieces as he fell thousands of feet. Anakin was crispy yet still breathing.

9. Jar Jar Binks was so annoying in the first movie I was almost annoyed by his 1-second cameo in the third.

Geo: I had issues with that movie.
Me: You mean that Anakin and Padme were both idiots?
Geo: Well yeah, but Anakin was always an idiot.
Me: You expected more from Padme.
Geo: Yup. I mean she was Queen of Naboo.
Me: And then a Senator. Then again, I never did understand what she saw in him.
Geo: His bod?
Me: Um eeew, he was a little boy when they met.
Geo: Oh yeah.
Me: Oh I know, he used to give her these smoldering looks like he worshipped the ground she walked on. Women fall for that shit... if the guy is hot. If he's not then it's creepy.
Geo: So Obi-Wan is going to be able to talk to his teacher guy?
Me: Yeap. The same way Yoda used to talk to Luke.
Geo: Oh that hologram thingy?
Me: Yeah. Like at the end of Return of the Jedi when Luke sees his father chillin' with Yoda and Obi-Wan.
Geo: Imagine what those conversations must be like.
Me: Oh you mean like hundreds of years later they'll be playing ghost poker and Anakin will be like "Hey remember that time I slaughtered all our padwans? My bad."
Geo: Yeah he'll be like "See what happened was..."

I picture it like this...

Anakin: How many chips you got left Yoda? I'm calling you all in.
Yoda: All in, you call me. Rough, that is.
Obi-Wan: Hey this is the guy that destroyed the Jedi, remember that.
Anakin: Okay!!! It's been like eight millenia already. Can't we just get past it? I said I was sorry.
Yoda: Sorry, you say. Yet my chips, you take.
Obi-Wan: Seriously. He still can't relinquish the power. Better just fold that hand Yod or he might do to you what he did to our boy Mace.
Mace: Yeah bitch. Don't be afraid to push me out a 5000-story window or anything.
Anakin: Jesus H. Christ people, I said I was sorry!!!!!! I did it for that broad Padme. But she dumped me anyway.
Yoda: Thinking with your light saber, you were.
Obi-Wan: Did I teach you nothing?? "Use The Force" I told you.
Anakin: I did!!!
Obi-Wan: Not on her you idiot. You were supposed to go into the BATHROOM and USE THE FORCE.
Anakin (light dawning): Ohhhh...
Mace: Yessssssss. The destruction of every Jedi Knight brought about because The Chosen One here saw a nice pair of Naboobs.
Yoda: A fucking dildo, he is.
Mace: Word.

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