June 23, 2005

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Take Me Out To The Ballgame
(I know, unoriginal as hell but you have to give me some latitude, it was my first time going to a Yankee game. Prior to tonight I was a Yankee virgin. Okay that sounds like the title of some sports-themed porn.)

The owner of the company Mike works for gave away two of his seats, he has a whole crapload of season tickets in the FIRST FRICKEN ROW right past third base. At first I was apprehensive about going. I admit it, I had fears of one of the following occuring:

A) I get hit by a foul ball off a 90 mph fastball.


B) A fly ball gets hit into our section and instictively I interfere, when it would have been the last out of the inning with bases loaded, so I get booed and escorted from the stadium, while people throw food (not so bad) and beer bottles (bad) at me.

Can you just imagine someone throwing a half-eaten hot dog at me and me catching it and then eating it anyway? I can.

But my fears were unfounded because we didn't get hit by anything and no plays came our way. Except one, a grounder which brought Derek Jeter in close proximity to us. I motioned to him and he came over, leaning over into the box questioningly. I leaned over in a cloud of Bath and Body Works' Sun-Ripened Raspberry, looked up at him with smoldering eyes and in my sultriest voice said....

"Hey Derek, can I have Jessica Alba when you're done with her? Thanks."

Okay so that didn't happen but it was a good night anyway.

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This is me about to turn around and hug Yankee Stadium.

We got to the stadium in the 3rd inning, and the score was tied at 4-4. Mike said that we had to order a crapload of drinks and food from the waitress because they don't come around very often and the food takes awhile. Let's just say that by the time I stumbled into my house, the contents of my stomach included four Budweisers drunk from a PLASTIC bottle (ghetto ass Yankee fans need special precautions), one Italian sausage sandwich with grilled red peppers and onions, two bags of potato chips, some fries, two captain and cokes, one Ketel one and cran, four SoCo and lime shots which I just remembered right this very second, two White Castle Jalapeno cheeseburgers, White Castle fries, onion rings and chicken rings. Yes, you fucking read all that right.

But back to the game.

Sitting close enough to pick the players' noses definitely has its advantages, mainly that you REALLY get into the game because it's almost as if you're actually playing too.

Fun Fact #1: The front row that Mike and I were in was added to the original seating, it used to be part of the field. You guys can thank Mike for that one.

So the score was tied, but then Tampa Bay scored some more and then there was some really exciting moments when the bases were loaded and the Yankees could have tied it. It was especially exciting for me because I looked up at the Jumbotron or whatever it's called in a baseball stadium and it said "WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN: MARIANO RIVERA" and I jumped up and down because he's my favorite player and if this fucking Yankee at bat would just hit a double they would be bringing him out in the next inning. Alas. It was not to be. They didn't score so they didn't bring out their closer. But I did get to watch him sit in the dugout and blow bubbles.

Fun Fact #2: I am NEVER going to a baseball game again unless I am sitting in seats like those. Otherwise it's just not going to be as much fun. Which won't be for awhile though becuase the next time Mike gets seats, he's taking Tony, since the time he took Tony it was raining. Rain schmain.

The game went downhill from there, but it was still a good night. There was this dorky little Staff guy who was walking around all full of self-importance. Two hoochie-esque girls a bit younger than him asked to be let past, even though he denied a whiole bunch of big guys that were behind them. He let them in and one of the Tampa Bay outfielders tossed one of them a ball. The guys were so pissed, I've never seen people angrier. They started threatening the dorky guy and he was mad quiet... until they started walking away. He heard Mike and I making fun of what he'd done so he kind of tossed out a weak little "You should have said that when you came in" comeback to the pissed guys. I was like "Quiet, you're going to get your ass kicked. And we won't help you." I wouldn't have either. Any guy that pulls shit like that because he thinks he might get some poontang deserves to get his ass whooped. I still had some fries and half my beer left, would have been a good show.

Fun Fact #3: The chick behind us almost got bitchslapped because she kept yelling "HOLLER!!!" First of all, you're not supposed to pronounce the "er." Second of all, article 12 section five of the White People Constitution says "None of our people shall use terminology like 'fo shizzle' and 'holla' and 'wack' unless they are named Eminem." Just like Commandment 7 of the 10 Asian Commandments is "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's dog for a good stir fry."

On our way back to the VIP parking lot one of the players almost ran us over. Forgot which one though.

Anyway, here are the pics:

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Couldn't resist a picture of me and the field.

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Everyone else was sending Derek mindwaves like "Hit the ball."
I was sending mindwaves like "Come on Derek, give me Jessica."

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Ooooh Joe Torre does NOT look happy. Not that he ever does.

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Who says taking it to the head isn't ladylike? Do you SEE the
extension of the pinky? Ladylike. All I need are some crumpets.

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There's no indignity in having to clean up after people...
unless maybe, they make you do the YMCA dance while doing it.

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Thanks Mike, you rock!! And thanks staff guy, for providing the entertainment!!

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