Random Things About My Friends
My sister Leah once cooked up a nefarious plot while blunted, to get my dad high as well without his knowledge or consent. She was going to pretend to drown, then when he tried to resuscitate her, give him a shottie.
Geo has had three cars stolen in the last 4 years. We think the last car was stolen by one of our neighbors, because the fucker waited until the day after he installed the amp to take it. Geo once beat the shit out of some guy who tried to mug him down the street from our house. So if we ever see a car thief outside our house, he may try to run out there but I say we stay safely inside and snipe the guy with a paintball rifle, right in the face. Won't kill him but it will hurt like hell.
Tony once punched a hole in my dorm room wall at Santa Cruz. I covered it up with a drink menu from Chili's for 6 months but had to pay $100 for it after the year ended.
Dean once got stopped by a cop who told him that he saw him try to run over a cat on purpose and animal cruelty is a felony. Dean asked him how he knew he had done it on purpose. The cop replied, "Because after you missed, you put the car in reverse and tried again."
Mike J used to go out with a Cuban girl who was hot but psycho. They were walking down the street once and he found some lint and gravel in his pocket. So he did what 99.99999% of people would have done and dropped it onto the sidewalk. His girl stopped and started screaming at him, saying that the gravel "had a life and spirit all its own" and that "it didn't appreciate not being returned to its rightful place." Which I assume was Mike's driveway. Personally, I think gravel would rather get trampled on than ran over 5 times a day. But the craziness is just rubbing off because um, gravel is an inanimate object. Gravel doesn't have the ability to care about its physical location. Just in case any other Pocahontases are reading this. Since then, Mike has had random sexual encounters and some really nice cars, but no serious relationship. All inquiries apply within.
Some girl tried to molest Abel once by climbing on top of him while he was sleeping. He said "Get off me" and bench pressed her off him, then went back to sleep.
Girlie drank so much at her Halloween party, her St. Bernard Tiny led her upstairs and she passed out hours early. I then helped myself to an enormous tray of leftovers because she is like the best cook ever. And that says a lot coming from the self-proclaimed food whore.
Pete is allergic to alcohol, so he was sober when he banged some girl before a party, went to the party, and banged some other one right after it.
Steve once followed a girl all the way to Japan because she had large breasts. He is also the winner of the most romantic "Marriage Proposal That Never Happened Award" for his fictitious proposal at a medieval castle in Scotland.
Kwame would not have sex with the hottest, most gorgeous, most sexually-talented woman in the world if one of her hands was significantly smaller than the other one.
Paul teaches high school now and gets annoyed at me when I sing The Police song "Don't Stand So Close To Me" which is about a teacher who bangs one of his students. He also drunk stole a pool ball a few nights ago from some bar, after I whooped him twice.
Kaan, once messed around with an attached girl who he watched Seven with. She jokingly asked him if he would cut her boyfriend's head off like that (way to flirt) and Kaan replied, "If I were going to cut anyone's head off it would be yours. Then me and your boyfriend would bang chicks in front of it."