Yet More Stuff

Yet More Stuff

Here in Jersey City I usually sit on my roof on Halloween and pick out the kids with lame costumes, then pelt them with old candy. This year though, I've upgraded to a paintball gun. But I use candy-flavored paint so it's okay. (Just kidding, we're actually going to a relative's house to take the kiddos trick or treating. A relative who lives in a really nice area. God knows what the hell you'd find in Jersey City candy.)

Top 6 Reasons Not To Go Trick or Treating In Jersey City

1. The treats may come with a special toy. "Oh wow!! It's an Abba Zabba... wrapped around a crack vial."

2. The "tricks" are less in the way of practical jokes and more in the way of bullets or ass beatings.

3. "Loot" has a different definition here. So does "rock" candy.

4. Your "Rock Star" costume was cute at the store but now "Hey mami how much?" is just getting old.

5. At the end of the night, if you by some miracle still have your pumpkin, it will probably be filled less with candy and more with gum wrappers, empty dime bags, used needles, partially-eaten fruit and random receipts.

6. Weed-flavored chocolate is one of those "better in theory" things.

Moving right along... The merits of fantasy football still have to be weighed. Is the fun worth the aggravation of watching Santana Moss bring in 2.3 fantasy points because the Redskins got buttfucked by the Giants? I don't know. Plus, I can't handle the curse of fantasy football. You know, that a particular player will do really well until you put him on YOUR team. Speaking of the Giants, have to throw up a moment of silence for Duke Mara, would that all sports team owners were more like him.

Advertising cracks me up. "Miller Lite... America's Fastest Growing Beer." What does that mean? I picture a 6-pack in my fridge, that turns into a 24-pack by halftime. By the end of the game there are five cases of beer in the fridge, despite the fact that people have been drinking steadily for the last three hours. Then hell yeah I'd buy that beer! I'm not even a big beer fan, just a fan of liquor that spawns free liquor.

And because you know I can't have a post that doesn't piss a few people off...

I understand that everyone and their mother has a political agenda. But it'd be nice if people just gave it a rest every so often. Some woman put up a Halloween display on her front lawn, of a witch breastfeeding. Her hope is that it draws attention to a national crisis or whatever. So yay for you woman, pat yourself on the back and bask in your glory. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less whether or not a woman breastfeeds in public. If the kid is hungry, the kid is hungry. And it's her front lawn blah blah blah. But can't a few things be agenda-free? Just a few, like Halloween. Next we're going to see displays of witches and goblins being "tortured" at Gitmo, while across the street, displays of witches and goblins get hit by Hamas nail bombs. And down the street, witches getting abortions while goblins picket outside. And next to that, a goblin jerking off because you can't get pregnant if you're abstinent.

I have to admit though, the "national debate" over breastfeeding in public amuses me. I understand why the country is prude over sex, but prude over someone feeding their kid is bizarre. Unless of course, the kid is like 6 years old. If you're breastfeeding your kid and he's old enough to walk himself to the store and buy some Oreos to go with it, then it's time to wean even if he's "not ready." By the way, here's an interesting fact about breastfeeding. Research shows that men are the number one proponents of it. In fact, 97 out of a 100 men randomly stopped on the street recommend that women breastfeed their kids, husbands, friends and strange men at the bar, whenever possible. In public, private, restaurants, bathrooms, the grocery store, wherever. The other 3 men polled wore spandex and had really great hair.