Late Night Slander

Late Night Slander

Aud: I freaked my mom out today.
Me: How?
Aud: She called me while I was in traffic court and asked what time I was coming home and I told her "In 90 days because I mouthed off to the judge."
Me: Funny as hell, what'd she say?
Aud: She knew I was kidding but was still not pleased with the joke.
Me: If you had gotten 90 days, I would have gone to your house while you were in jail and gone shopping in your bedroom.
Aud: Thanks, you're a real friend.
Me: Your mom would let me in. I like your mom.
Aud: She said something nice about you, but I forget what it was.
Me: What? You better remember. The one nice thing anyone's said about me in months and you can't even remember what it was.
Aud: I just put it out of my mind because I refuse to believe it's true. She also said something nice about Mike J.
Me: What? Forget whatever she said about Mike. He's a fucking nice guy. People say nice things about him all the time.
Aud: Yeah he's used to it.
Me: We need to slander him or something, so his rep isn't so clean. Just start making up foul shit about him.
Aud: Like what?
Me: I don't know, like that he goes to bars and uses the whole fireman thing to get free ass.
Aud: Hahaha!
Me: We'll say he tells chicks how he saves bunches of lives and they get all dreamy and vulnerable and then he moves in for the kill.
Aud: He's a wolf in fireman's clothing.
Me: Then afterwards he bounces and never speaks to them again. He gives them a fake phone number.
Aud: Like it's his real number, plus one.
Me: Alright, what other lies could we pass around? Oh I know, that he embezzles money meant for orphans in third world countries, who work at factories for thirty cents a day. And he also takes their wages.
Aud: And they don't know he's taking their money because they're blind.
Me: And no one can tell them he's doing it because they're also deaf.
Aud: Oh my God. People are going to hate him.
Me: Yeah maybe we should stick with the fireman-ploy-for-ass thing.
Aud: Serves him right for being such a nice guy.
Me: You know what?
Aud: What?
Me: This conversation is why people hate us.
Aud: It's also why we can't live in Yonkers.
Me: No, we can't live in Yonkers because you've alienated their entire fire department.
Aud: We could live there but we wouldn't be able to go to any bars or out in public anywhere.
Me: And we couldn't have any lit candles or faulty electrical wiring. Our house would be on fire and no one would show up.
Aud: Hahahahaha!!! Like you would hear sirens and everything but then they'd park at White Castle and shit.
Me: And eat a fucking crave case. Meanwhile we'd be out in the street in our pajamas holding the girls and our wallets.
Aud: And some knick-knacks we grabbed on the way out. Damn what a visual. It's kind of sad though.
Me: We wouldn't ever move to Yonkers anyway. You've already used up your YFD card. We need to find a brand new city, with a whole new fire department for you to wreak havoc on.
Aud: No way, I am never dating another fireman ever again.
Me: Well you can't date another one anyway because you've already checked off that profession on your Career Checklist of Ass. Dated a cop? Check. Fireman? Check.
Aud: Next on the list is "Sanitation Worker." Know any cute ones?
Me: Not yet. But I'll let you know.