Random "News" Stories

Random "News" Stories

1. So is Kobe Bryant still off-limits? No? Good. Let me just usher in this new era (or rather this return to the old Kobe-bashing times) by saying that Kobe is a fucking idiot. Every time I think he can't get any more lame, he has to up and prove me wrong. Now he's publicly accusing Karl Malone of making inappropriate remarks to his wife. Um, HELLO KOBE. Not even 6 months ago you were on trial for RAPE. Are you sure that now is the time to come out swinging the morality bat? What a fucking idiot. Whoever came up with the brilliant idea of this pathetic public relations gimmick should be fired. As if people (read: sponsors) are all of a sudden going to forget Kobe's mug shot being plastered all over the news just because Karl Malone said his wife had a nice ass. If she was really worried about Karl Malone she should have just raised her left hand and blinded him with her 4-million-dollar "Sorry I At The Very Least Banged Someone Else and At The Very Worst Raped Someone" diamond ring.

2. Note to self: "Stay AWAY from northern Wisconsin." Because you know people who hunt aren't going to be able to tell the difference between someone who is Hmong and someone who is Filipino, even though Filipinos have about as much in common with Hmong people as they do with German people.

3. The winner of the ultra-sarcastic "It's Not Like They're Responsible For Peoples' Lives or Anything Award" are the doctors and/or nurses who lost the ring a soldier gave up his finger to keep. Although if my husband ever made a crazy decision like that, I'd take his little piece of leftover finger and punt it across the room. I mean it's a seemingly romantic gesture (in a morbid way), but you have to wonder about his choice. Oh and I can't believe that hospitals even make it an option, that they don't just automatically choose to cut the ring. Someone should've told the guy that love is not measured by jewelry. Unless of course you're Kobe and Vanessa Bryant. Then apparently love is ONLY measured by jewelry.

4. Geo just informed me that the current "it" file-sharing site is called LimeWire. But he's apparently not much of a Motley Crue fan because he didn't understand why I started singing "Cuz I'm the heart of the young runnin' free. A little bit better than I used to be. Cuz I'm a lime!!! Lime wire!!!"

5. I have no problem with the parental advisory label, but this is fucking ridiculous There are legitimate lawsuits out there and frivolous ones like these undermine them. These idiots are suing Walmart because Walmart sold Evanescence's CD and some of the songs have curse words. Hey, I have an idea. If you're so concerned about the music your kid wants to listen to, why don't you do a little research before buying it for them. And guess what, your little 13-year-old has already heard the word fuck. Do you know why? Because she has ears. There is more cursing on a single playground than there is in all the "obscene" songs out there combined. There was cursing all over the playground when I was in elementary school 20 years ago, and I'd never heard even one song with a curse word back then.

6. So Scott Petersen got the death penalty but it's not like we'll actually see him fry in this lifetime. California has hundreds of people on death row. I'm wondering though, if San Quentin is super max, does that mean Petersen won't be experiencing that special brand of prison justice they reserve for scum like him?

7. So students at a university in Vermont are fighting for the right to wander campus grounds naked. Yeah um, take it from someone who went to a "clothing-optional" college, it's not what you think it'll be like. In my four years at UC Santa Cruz, never once was the person wandering around naked an attractive female. Normally it was a highly unattractive male surrounded by other highly unattractive males, or older women. OLDER. As in late sixties or seventies. Breasts down to THERE. Once, some butt naked guy came into my class of 400 people, while we were taking a test. He sat down next to me, minus books, minus clothes, minus a backpack, minus his wallet, dorm keys, whatever and asked for a pencil. I was like "No, you freak."