24: Season Four Premiere

24: Season Four Premiere

The 4-hour season premier of 24 aired tonight and last night. Unfortunately for me, I blanked out completely on last night's momentous date and forgot to watch it. I know. Sacrilege. I really need TiVo. What kind of Jack Bauer fan am I. Thus, I have nothing to say about the first two hours of the show, but don't wish to leave you all completely bereft. So Kwame will pinch hit for me, even though he doesn't know it yet. I'll just cut and paste his e-mail onto here:

1. OK, Audrey is the new Kim Bauer and has the potential to be more annoying. If that's at all possible.
2. I love the Secretary of Defense guy, his "you and your 6th grade Michael Moore logic" quote was classic.
3. These new CTU guys are sad. I'm glad "Ronnie" is dead, and I hate the token black guy, bitchy leader and fat computer guy that doesn't speak up. Chloe may be the most likeable one.
4. There is nothing better than when Jack is in that room trying to break a prisoner. No playing around, shoot the knee cap off...
5. How funny is it that Chase is working for a security firm with one hand?
6. "Debbie" seems a little stalkerish/obsessive...I'm kinda rooting for her to get executed.

Now of course, here are my thoughts on the latter two hours of the premiere. Go get yourself some water because we're gonna be here for awhile. I am significantly more long-winded than Kwame.

1. Oh thank God we've staved off political correctness and gone with Arab bad guys this season. I mean come on, a rogue British agent and a Columbian drug cartel that wants to strike back at the U.S. government? Give me a break. Even I, huge 24 fan that I am, could barely make the reach.

2. Sometimes these high-ranking government officials ask really basic questions with really basic answers. "What security protocols have been effected?" "Well we changed all of Secretary Heller's passcodes." "Oh good." You know what would have been great, is if he responded "Well we double-locked all the doors and closed down the food court. You dillhole." The next line was even better. "We need to find the terrorists and save him." Um, you think??

3. Yeah, I never thought I'd say this but I miss Tony and Michelle Almeida. The new head of CTU is such a cunt I can barely take it. Even worse, she's a total hag. Like what you'd get if you crossed Sandra Bernhardt with the mom from Home Improvement.

4. When Jack Bauer told Head Cunt Lady (HCL) that "Ronnie" was dead, I straight up laughed out loud. I didn't watch the first two hours of the show but he seemed like an ass. What is up with Jack getting no love? How many times does a guy have to save the country from biological, nuclear or chemical catastrophe before he gets some love?

5. I don't know why but I like the ring on the phones at CTU. Are those Cisco VoIP phones? I want one for my living room. So I can pretend it's Jack Bauer calling me to download encrypted Interpol files onto his PDA, instead of some creditor telling me to pay a bill I so obviously don't want to pay yet otherwise I would have done it already.

6. Jack is the motherfucking man. Ran all the way back down the canyon to quickly snipe two dirtbags and save Andrew, then ran all the way back to his car, all without losing sight of the man he was tailing. Snipe snipe. Jack Bauer rocks. He snipes terrorists like it's nobody's business. Which it isn't. And only Jack can have you road raging at the screen "Yeah, what are you people doing going in the right direction on the highway. Get out of the way!!"

7. Chloe is still a bit annoying this season, but I can forgive that considering the progress she's made. Last season viewers were just praying she got hit with a whiff of that virus. This season, she's helping instead of hindering Jack so she's easier to take. I actually felt bad for her when she was crying and laughed out loud when that other chick said "Why are you so impatient with everyone" and Chloe replied "No, not everyone. Just you." Okay never mind. Chloe's a dildo. Get off Jack's back for God's sake. You owe your mindless little life to him a thousand times over.

8. Why is CTU always comprised of underhanded, ambitious bitches versus other underhanded, ambitious bitches, all of whom continually forget that they have an actual job to do? The new computer chick, Token Black Chick, HCL, Chloe... I love the show but is it too much to ask that one female character not be:

a) psychotic
b) a dildo
c) a cunt
d) dumb as rocks
e) all of the above

9. Not that the guys are much better. What is up with the losers that work there this season? What is that King of Queens-looking guy doing there? He looks like he's about to have a heart attack. And I think he left his balls at Krispy Kreme. Token Black Guy blows. I mean at least President Palmer and the Presidential Brother were interesting characters. This guy is boring as hell. And a complete pansy. He couldn't even torture the Secretary's son properly. This is why liberals can't be placed in positions of authority at organizations like the Counter Terrorist Unit. Just kidding. Well, I'm not. What a fucking pansy. It would have been great though if when the guy started crying, Token said "You're getting the injection, so stop whimpering. It's not seemly."

10. Terrorist Mama looks at Terrorist Son like no mother should ever look upon her child. My skin crawled. As she was pouring the poison you know she cared less that Debbie knew the location of the warehouse, and more that her son seriously dug a girl. Nestor Serrano aka Terrorist Papa, played a white guy in The Negotiator, a Spanish guy in about a million things and is now playing an Arab guy. Nice. Hollywood really should stop taking such liberties with ethnicity. It's getting a bit ridiculous.

11. Were we supposed to feel sorry for HCL when they showed her scenes with her psychotic daughter? All I could think was that she even sounds cunty when she says "I love you." I don't understand why people were so against Jack tailing the terrorist guy. "Follow him to his destination" isn't exactly a gameplan that required thought of Einstein proportions.

12. Jack Bauer rocks. Don't be afraid to hold up a convenience store to buy yourself some time. Of course, if HCL wasn't such a brainless douche bag it wouldn't even have been necessary. I can't believe I'm actually saying this but I miss Tony Almeida, Michelle Almeida, Chase, President Palmer and of course Nina. Can they please bring Nina back from the dead. Oooh ooh, they could bring her back from the dead and she could take out HCL, Token, Terrorist Mama and well, the rest of them except Jack. That would be grand.

13. I'm not buying how the show ended. Come on. Every person from L.A. knows that Canyon Country cops wouldn't have a shot in hell at catching Jack, even if he is preoccupied with tailing a terrorist. Canyon Country cops can't even catch the idiot teenagers who joyride down Mulholland.

14. I really, really love this show. Even though the producers replaced all their annoying characters with ones even more annoying, I'm still hooked. I say next season the bad guys be some crazy Asians. That would rock. You know those North Koreans are up to something. Can we get some Token Asians on this show please? All those computers and there isn't a single Asian guy? How unrealistic is that.