More Crazy Dreams

More Crazy Dreams

A few nights ago I had a dream that an acquaintance of mine begged me to help him figure out what some big bump on his penis was. I kept saying no but he kept begging and finally just started sobbing. So we're in the women's jeans section of Old Navy and he whips out his penis and there's a big purple bruise on it the size of a quarter. I told him to take it to a doctor, whatever a gynecologist for men is called, if they even exist. A Urologist? A Penologist? This is my fault isn't it for making that Hellmark greeting card down there.

Two nights ago, I had a dream that Paul and his friends were hanging out at some resort hotel and invited us along. So me, Tony, Geo and the girls headed over there for a weekend of sun and partying. When we got there, and when I met up with Paul, he apologized and said he couldn't hang out because he and four of his friends were going to go write a dissertation on police brutality. I thought I was being blown off in a really creative way, but when I saw them later on they were in a conference room, complete with dry erase board for efficient brainstorming.

We got separated and I ended up in this room with 6 naked men in the middle of a circle of seated spectators. I noticed Geo's sister Net on a couch in the corner, so I moseyed on over to her and scooted in. The 6 naked guys turned around and it turns out they had really really long penises. Like at least 2 feet long, maybe more. They start dancing around, shaking their hips so their penises fling side to side. Everyone seems to be enjoying it except me, I'm torn between laughter and disgust. So I leave the room to look for my posse ('s on Broadway) again. This portion of the dream was brought to you courtesy of the fact that my idiot self watched "Strap-On baseball" a week or so ago on Howard Stern.

Later on, someone says the "show" is over so I wander back into the room to look for Net. The room is empty but filthy and as I turn to leave, my daughter who I'm carrying reaches down and somehow (you know how dreams don't make biological sense most of the time) touches the filthy floor. I freak out and clamp down on her hand so she can't touch anything else with it. Then I run through the entire hotel to some bathroom and proceed to scrub her hand with hot water and soap. But I'm not trusting the soap's cleansing ability so I grab some other bottle that's a Cetaphil bottle with masking tape over it and the word WAND written on it in red. This apparently satisfies my cleansing ability fears and I use that to scrub her hand. Then I wake up. Still stressed but assured in the knowledge that my daughter's hand is clean.

Last night, I had a dream that there was some great flood catastrophe in the South and I was in charge of some mansion houseboat. Just imagine a mansion that looks like a mansion but acts like a boat and defies all laws of chemistry and physics, especially in respect to size, matter and movement. As we floated down the river, a woman sitting on a rooftop tossed her baby to me and when I tried to get her to come on board, she shook her head and just stayed where she was. So I called out to her where I lived so she could find me and get her baby back. The other scenes are a bit fuzzy but I remember that we "docked" somewhere and a hundred people tried to rush the doors to use the bathroom. I was like no, they can go outside and everyone was saying I was heartless. But I asked them if they wanted to clean the bathroom after all those people had used it and they said no. So I told them to shut up. But the people still tried to get in so I asked this guy if he had a shotgun and he busted two out. So I grabbed one and fired a shot diagnoally so no one would get hit. When the horde looked up, I told them anyone boarding would be shot. Then I gave the shotgun back to the guy and told him to wing anyone attempting to board the houseboat mansion. Craziness.