In The News

Random Stories In The News

Kwame sent me this article on the House voting to ban obesity lawsuits with the note "This may be the most productive thing the House has done all year." HA! Okay that's funny. My favorite part of the entire article is this sentence:

"Critics of the bill contend that a better way to make people responsible for how they eat is to require nutrition information on menus and menu boards."

Are you fucking kidding me?? Fat people are overweight, not stupid. There isn't a single non-retarded adult in this country that shouldn't know that a fucking Big Mac is unhealthy. Or french fries cooked in lard. The "Big and Tasty"??? Also bad for you. Isn't this elementary knowledge? Honey BBQ wings slathered in sauce... ALSO NOT GOOD FOR YOU!! We have to legislate this shit? Apparently. I'm not completely unsympathetic to the plight of overweight people but come on. Even recovering alcoholics know better than to hang out at bars. Right now I am eating lowfat yogurt, the worst tasting shit on the planet. You think I'm eating this for fun??? I'm eating it so I can go eat a fricken cheeseburger for lunch.

Even the bonus sounds good in the 340 million dollar Powerball drawing. Then again, I'm happy when I find a five in my pocket. And I'm also having difficulty with that whole "buying-a-ticket" part of the "winning-the-lottery" gameplan.

I just saw an article that describes what my life will be like in 40 years. It's about these grandmas with like 12 grandchildren, who are addicted to online gaming. I can just see me... kissing the kiddos good night, popping my teeth out, then plopping down at the computer and yelling out (albeit a bit gummily) "You sons of bitches!!!!!!!" While playing the 2048 version of Counter-Strike. Fire in the hole.

I was wondering the other day what spies were really like. I mean in the movies they're all hot and cloak and daggery, but in real life they're probably kind of plain-looking so they can blend in. Then I started wondering which countries had spies implanted on U.S. soil, and what they were searching for. And did the Philippines have a whole bunch of spies here? Now I know. And knowing is half the battle.

In the sports news... Steve Jackson says the new NBA dress code is "racist." Oh God please. I wonder what old civil rights leaders, who fought to the death for things like... oh freedom and intergrated schools would think about the racist NBA Commissioner who has put a ban on excessive jewelry. Of course, I'm not black so my opinion is easily ignored. My point is that I've decided the corporate bans on nose pierces are racist because it's usually Hindus that have them (and me), and the corporate reluctance to hire people with visible tattoos is racist as well because I have one on my ankle and I'm Filipino. Anyway can Steve Jackson please just bite me. The goal of the NBA league office is to once again attempt to polish its tarnished image, which has taken hits from almost convicted rapists, exhorbitant ticket prices, 16-year-old millionaires with big mouths and crappy play. If you want to look professional, then piling on the gold and platinum jewelry over your business suit negates the whole point of the suit itself.

And in the entertainment news... Antonio Banderas got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. WOOT! I am really embracing this whole "I heart Antonio Banderas" thing. I mean, it felt really lame for a long time but now I am empowered. Your snide remarks and laughter behind my back can't hurt me!! "What's in your guitar case?" "My guitar." Come on. That should have been an Oscar-winning-role right there. (What's with all the dashes in this post?)

And let me just end on a very selfish note. Hurricanes suck big fat dick and I hope the damage is minimal but... there's football on Friday.

Wait... one more, courtesy of Nik:

Scientologists are NOT amused by scienTOMogy.com, a website which makes fun of Scien(ce Fic)t(ion)ology. Hee.