June 25, 2006

Soccer Hooligans

Soccer Hooligans

6/26 12:55 p.m. edit: Please ignore the entire post following. I don't mean a word of it. Soccer sucks. I wish I were a man as tall as a tree, with balls the size of soccer balls, and then I would drop them right onto the faces of that whiny ass Italian World Cup team. There is no way I can get on board with a sport that almost requires men to cry like little girls when they trip and fall on the grass, in order to get game-altering calls. And in a contact sport with crappy refs, a player only gets two freaking chances and if he blows both he can't play in the next game either? What kind of idiotic crap is that. That bullshit penalty kick called in the last minute of the game was the most ridiculous moment in sports I've ever seen. FIFA should be ashamed of themselves. Now I know why refs get shot. This one should refrain from ever vacationing in Australia. Or ever standing at the edge of a crocodile pit. People would cover him in gravy, meat and peanut butter (Geo says "and cats") before tossing him in.

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I am jumping on the World Cup bandwagon. Geo woke me up yesterday and told me to watch the games, since playoffs don't allow ties. That was my main point of contention with the sport, that I couldn't get into something that would more often than not end in a tie. Since then, I have watched the Mexico-Argentina, England-Equador and Portugal-Netherlands games and have enjoyed myself. There were a few moments of discomfort, mainly when some player would get his hair rumpled and a stretcher would be brought onto the field to carry him off. And the ref in the Portugal-Netherlands game apparently ran out of yellow and red cards and started handing out slips of paper he scribbled on with crayon. But other than that it was fun.

Since I'm not really a soccer fan, I have no sportsy and analytical reasons behind my order of teams to root for. The list stands as:
    1. Australia (For Steve, Ray, Matt, Maria, Rhandy and company). You can't just get stinking drunk with people and not cheer their countrymen on. It's rude.
    2. England (Just because I like the country). Even if they do make fun of Australians a little too much in their TV shows. Okay, I'll admit the real reason I'm cheering for them. IF YOU'RE NOT A MANC, YOU'RE A WANK! My baby takes the morning train...
    3. Ukraine (They are my Croatia of 2006).
    4. Portugal (Because I've always wanted to go to Madeira Island.)
    5. Argentina (I have no reason for this.)

And there it is folks, quite possibly the dumbest reasons ever to cheer on a sports team. Geo said "Well those aren't the best teams..." And I was like "Dude, I don't care or know shit about soccer. I'm not cheering for the best teams I'm cheering for the teams I'd like to see win.") I'm a Raiders fan for God's sake. What the hell do I know about cheering for a winning team.

I don't understand why Americans don't care about soccer, and yet enough suburban kids play it that we've coined the term "soccer moms." Is it because our guys aren't number one in the world? I bet we could be if more black people played the game. Oh come on, you know it's true. We need to start implementing after school soccer programs in areas with a high black population. Maybe get Nike to officially subsidize full scholarships to colleges for soccer players. I bet by the next World Cup we'd be a soccer powerhouse. As long as the egos didn't get so ridiculous that we had another repeat of the men's basketball performance in 2004. Did I just offend a whole crapload of people? Probably. Oh well, what can you do.

One thing I've always loved about soccer though are how rabid the fans are. Soccer hooligans, one and all. It's great. I want to be a soccer hooligan.

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