July 24, 2006

Cheesecake, Germs, Talking Bison and Drunken Walks and My Big Ass Stye

Cheesecake, Germs, Talking Bison, Drunken Walks and My Big Ass Stye

I'm a bit tired. This may not make any sense.

On Friday, Tony treated us to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory, where I gorged myself on crispy crab won-tons, taquitos slathered with guacamole and sour cream, that yummy wheat bread they have, madeira chicken, steak and some crazy cake that seemed to be chocolate cake, mousse and coconut cheesecake all rolled into one. Thanks T!

On Saturday, we were unable to take the girls to Sesame Place for their birthday because of the rain, so me, Geo, Mike J, Tony and Abel took them to the "Please Touch" Museum in Philadelphia, which was 3 hours of exhausting, germy fun. Imagine a building filled with toys and 200 children. Some parents though, seemed to be begging to get knocked out. One of my daughters was climbing into a truck when some kid a couple of years older saw her and ran around the other side, bumping her out of the truck so she could use it. I felt a quick flash of Momanger and opened my mouth to say something but then that inner voice went "Riss, you can't say 'Hey skank don't you push my daughter" to some 5-year-old.'" So I looked for her parent and her grandfather was just standing there watching her. No gentle reprimand, nothing. But I can't really scream at some old guy anymore than I can scream at a kid right. Stupid stupid common courtesy.

Afterwards we all went to some steak house near the Franklin Mills mall, where an enormous bison head that talks is mounted on the wall. Kind of insult to injury, not only are you going to eat him, you're going to listen to one of his brothers talk to you while you eat. Then, the waiters put on moose heads and sang a weird birthday song to the girls. It was... interesting. (Thanks to Mike, T, Abel and Joeben for that meal!) Also, if the plural of goose is geese, then I'm calling the plural of moose meese.

After dinner, me, Geo and the kiddos dropped by our friend Sean's barbeque. In the rain. Which was actually a lot of fun. Geo and Manny took our kids home to sleep, so me and Janelle stayed behind. At one point, it started raining so I took my dangly metal earrings off so I wouldn't get hit by lightning. Yes. At around 3, the shindig ended and Janelle decided we should walk over the river and through the woods back to her house. I agreed because it sounded like it would be funny as hell, then went back into the house to grab a beer for the walk. 5 minutes later, while we're still on Sean's street, Janelle goes "I'm not sure which way to go" and my confidence in her ability to drunkenly navigate us through the residential streets of Cherry Hill plummeted. Mike C and my sister-in-law Net pulled up in their car at that point, so I jumped in and then bullied Janelle to get in too. Still drinking my beer.

The next day as we were "power walking" and by "power walking" I really mean "strolling around in sweats and running shoes" Janelle and I re-traced the route we would have taken the night before. I told her it was probably a good idea that we didn't end up walking, because we probably would have started stealing items from people's lawns. There was a gnome in particular I may have jacked, then put down 3 houses later because it was too heavy. We just about died laughing picturing ourselves walking into the house at 4am with our arms full of various lawn ornaments. "Where did you guys get all that?" "Uh, a garage sale." "At 3 in the morning?" "It was an early bird special."

On Monday, I woke up with a big ass stye. No, not an ass stye. A stye in my eye that was so big I couldn't open it. It started developing on Sunday, because Manny gave George the herpes pillow to fucking use. The herpes pillow started out as "the sex pillow" and then it degenerated into "the STD pillow" and now it's "the herpes pillow" and I can't think of it as anything else even though I feel a smidgen of guilt whenever I say it. It's one of those body pillows that our cousin and his new girlfriend use for their sexual gymnastics. Janelle pointed it out to me a few weeks ago and said never to touch it or let the girls touch it, and I pointed it out to George and he forgot and so we slept on the herpes pillow and now I have a fucking stye the size of a cherry tomato in my right eye.

Also, we saw Superman Returns tonight but that is a whole different post.

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