(Or: Tequila Shots For The Radio: Volume 24)
I'd like to say that I prepared some good material for my last show (link coming eventually), but it's you guys and you're not that gullible. Instead, I told a couple of drunk stories, like the fact that last Sunday I woke up and asked Geo where the clothes I wore the night before were. He replied that I had taken them off in the car and changed into pajamas to expedite my bedtime ritual. Also, while I was changing a cop pulled him over outside of the Holland Tunnel and told me to put on my seat belt.
The five minutes it took to tell that story pretty much ran through anything I planned in advance to discuss. So I rustled the checkbook I found on my computer table and pretended to consult some notes. Which yielded an announcement of search strings people have used to find this site recently:
- crackheads sucking dick
- show me kimberly bauer tied up and gagged
- asking a girl to homecoming
- janelle's green shirt envy
- my daughter loves black penises
- how to listen to the i like big butts song sir mix a lot for free
- does snorting tequila working
- filipino consumption of sandwich a day
Eventually, people in the chat room started making fun of me for saying some girl at the gym was "stacked." Come on, how often do I comment on that. Like I'm up with the lingo. Mike J ever so helpfully produced a couple of webpages with possible alternate phrases and voila (or to quote him,"wallah") an inane conversation about euphemisms for sex and genitalia was born.
The first link is lost somewhere but apparently breasts can also be called "bazoomies" "blouse bunnies" or "norks" (hee). Dean attempted to see how that would work in practice and came up with "May I nork-fuck you." Mike thought "May I bork your norks" would work better. Which is true I guess, if one is living in a Dr. Seuss book. I do not want green eggs and ham on my norks. I do not want them Sam I Am. Also, Heide very helpfully informed us that the German word for nipples is brustwartz, which directly translates to "breast warts." Hee.
The second link was a long list of euphemisms for pretty much everything we could have wanted a euphemism for. The ones that cracked me up the most were:
"beef bayonet" (penis)
"cock holster" (vagina)
"municipal cockwash" (popular vagina)
"box of assorted creams" (alternate term for a popular vagina)
"barse" (the area between the balls and arse)
"sneaky butcher" (A gay guy, because he sneaks the meat in through the back door HAHAHAHA. That term could also be applied to guys that accidentally-but-not-really put it in the wrong hole.)
In the end it was determined that the terms were useful for comedic purposes, but not for actual sexual situations. Dean illustrated it best, with "Oh my God I'm going to spray my cock-milk through my beef spigot onto your heaving norks." My goal in life is to somehow get that exact sentence into an issue of Penthouse Letters.
1:20 p.m. edit: I forgot to mention that Heide, who is German, said I should be more offensive to her people in particular for humor's sake. So my newly-created euphemism for taking a dump is "making my contribution to German pron" as in "Those burritos really didn't sit well, I'm off to make my contribution to German pron." Feel free to run with it. Also, I'm sure feminists are even now griping about how the synonyms for penis are weapons and the synonyms for the female organs are directly related to holding the male organs. We can appease them I think by referring to the vagina from now as "the black hole" or "quicksand." Those are cavities with weaponlike properties right? Or maybe "The Bermuda Triangle." Please put your Mr. Winkie in the Bermuda Triangle. Woot, empowerment! ROAR!