July 20, 2007

Hospital Notes Sans the Enemas

Hospital Notes Sans the Gory Details

1. Someone peed in my bathroom while I was asleep, which is a bit freaky. It was a guy because I saw the bubbles (bubble pee). Someone also moved my trashcan while I was asleep, all the way across the room to right next to my bed.

2. It's kind of amusing when the doctor tells you that you can only eat healthy foods, and then five minutes later the menu guy comes in and asks if you want lasagna, mac and cheese or a hamburger and fries for dinner.

3. Mike and Steve came to visit on Saturday, while Geo took the kids to Manny and Janelle's baby's Christening (he was my proxy since I'm a godmother WOOT!) Steve got there first and after awhile says "You know what would be funny, if we switched clothes and then I got in the hospital bed before Mike comes." So he puts on an extra hospital gown, drops his jeans and wraps himself in the blankets. Meanwhile, I pull his jeans on over my hospital gown, put my hoodie on and his baseball cap. Soon he's sitting in the bed, wrapped up so you can only see his face, reading one of my trashy romance novels. I'm sitting in the chair in the corner, with my head down and my hood up, playing the guitar. We have to be quiet so Mike doesn't hear our voices as he approaches the room, but the silence is often punctuated by my laughter every time I spy Steve's hairy ass leg sticking out, which of course sets him off too.

The nurse walks in and heads right for Steve with the thermometer, so I quickly let her in on the joke. I thought she'd tell us we couldn't do it since hospital policy states only the patient is allowed to be in the bed but she laughed and left. Eventually Mike walked in and announced in the direction of the hospital bed "So the mighty Food Whore has has fallen" but we didn't respond because then he'd hear our voices. As he got closer though and saw Steve's face sticking out of the blankets we started busting out laughing. Hey, laughter is the best medicine.

4. In the ER there are no patient bathrooms, so they give you this little bedpan. Trying to use it while balanced on the high ER hospital bed is like trying to pee into a Dixie cup while standing on a 10-story ledge. In the ICU they gave me a "commode" to use which was hysterical. It looked like a one of those doctor's office waiting room chairs, but with a bedpan and cover built in. Swankyyyyyy!

5. Every day at 4 in the morning, some older guy would come in to take a couple vials of blood for testing. This was always a rather unpleasant experience since he was clumsy. Sometimes, the needle would be in my vein and he'd accidentally knock it back and forth as he was switching vials. On the last day of the week I was in the hospital, twenty minutes before I left, a woman came in to take vials of blood. I didn't feel a thing while she did it. I was like "Where have you been all week??"

6. I was tempted to start giving out autographs at the hospital, after hearing "You're the one aren't you, the one from the ER with the 106 temperature" for the twentieth time. I was like Neo except with bedpans and an IV. Oh and without the ultra cool powers and tacky leather overcoat.


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