Top 11 Things I've Learned or Re-learned Going Back to Work

Top 9 Things I've Learned or Re-learned Going Back to Work

1. Every office still has that one printer that doesn't work. The one that causes you to see red and contemplate an Office Space moment, when it says "Load Letter Tray 2" and you open the drawer and the damn thing is full. As always, that one printer is the one nearest to me.

2. The obligatory sexual harassment training is still hilarious. "Janet is sitting at her desk when her boss Albert unzips his fly and licks her neck. Is Albert sexually harassing Janet or is he just being friendly?"

3. The cost of breakfast AND lunch for one day in Manhattan would feed a small indigenous tribe in Bhutan for three weeks. Oh and the bottom of the bags you get Chipotle take-out in, has a recommendation that you recycle the bag by using it as a cat carrier.

4. Some women in the city need to re-evaluate their definition of the phrase "business casual." Here are some tips. Unless you work at Scores, clothing is NOT appropriate for the office if...

-It's transparent.
-It's solid, but has strategically placed holes.
-It glitters.
-The item of clothing in question is not big enough to cover a newborn baby.
-Two words: camel toe
-You wouldn't wear it to church, a decent restaurant or to meet your boyfriend's parents.
-It has the word "fuck" on it. No seriously, I've seen this.

5. In the age of broadband, scanners, PDFs and e-mail... "White Out" still exists.

6. Co-workers still try to make you laugh when you're recording your outgoing voicemail message. "Hi, you've reached Riss. I am away from my desk right now but please lea--- (co-worker walks by and makes an amusing gesture)... CRAP." Yes, please leave crap. Beeeeeep! To save this message, press 1. To re-record, press your mom.

7. Pens are a valuable commodity in offices. Pens are the equivalent of cigarettes in prison. With the right pen, I could get myself lavender post-it notes, access to the good printer and a corner office. And by "corner office" I mean desk in the corner of the office.

8. Happy Hour in Manhattan rocks. During Happy Hour, instead of drinks costing EIGHT times the national average cost of drinks at a bar, drinks only cost FIVE times the national average cost of drinks at a bar.

9. When you've been working for 7 1/2 hours straight, eating lunch at your desk and barely taking the time to use the restroom, your boss will walk by at the exact moment you decide to take a break and poke some of your friends on Facebook.