The Perfect Day
Some of my friends were discussing morning rituals and how many times people hit the snooze button and it triggered the following memory of an e-mail I sent to a few of my friends in October 99. The e-mail was in response to a forward that said the perfect day for "Her" was flowers, valentines and watching your boyfriend's ex get fat and the perfect day for "Him" was farts and blowjobs. (Incidentally, my perfect day has been edited for censorship purposes...Translation: I mean HELLO, sometimes my parents read this):
THE PERFECT DAY FOR ME
8:00 Get laid.
9:00 Get out of bed and continue in the shower
10:00 Have eggs over easy, steak, hash browns, crispy bacon, tomatoes, scalloped potatoes, Eggs Benedict, toast and a stack of pancakes for breakfast.
10:30 Limo comes by, have a few Bloody Mary's and a couple martinis on the way to 5th Ave.
11:00 Blow 20 grand in forty minutes at Prada, Gucci, Versace, Chanel, Salvatore Ferragamo and Saks.
11:45 Get laid. Vrooooooooooom beep beep.
12:30 Have another martini and a few cigarettes
12:35 News flash on CNN: Bill Clinton and Al Gore caught having sex with a 16-year-old drag queen prostitute while Hilary videotapes. All three disappear off the face of Washington D.C. never to re-surface again.
1:00 Board Lear jet at LaGuardia with stewards that all resemble Jason Mamoa and stewardesses that look like Angelina Jolie, Catherine Zeta Jones and Jessica Alba. Destination: The Bahamas
1:02 Receive massage. Get laid, then have a vanilla-flavored Cuban and another martini.
2:00 Emeril makes lunch: Fettucine alfredo and garlic breadsticks with toasted cheese raviolis and marinara sauce while I get another massage.
3:30 Arrive at the resort
3:40 Sunbathe and nap while two Greek-godesque cabana boys fan me with banana leaves, one feeds me chilled white-chocolate-covered strawberries and the other keeps the supply of alcohol coming. Everyone understands that we must never have more than 3.5 second lag in between drinks.
6:00 Swim around and play in private lagoon with waterfalls and floating orchids. More sex in the waterfall, this time with twin brothers who resemble Michael Vartan.
7:30 Race along the local highway that runs along the water in Kawasaki Ninja at 130 m.p.h. without a helmet
8:30 News flash on CNN while getting dressed for dinner: Hewlett-Packard and Intel merge under new monopoly loopholes, sending my HP stock through the roof.
8:40 Have ice cream and chocolate cake for dinner while watching the Nets kill the Lakers 198-12. Shaq and Kobe cry on national TV.
10:00 Finish a bottle of Remy Martin XO, smoke a pack of cigarettes then go dancing and get wasted some more.
2:30 Get laid one last time. Probably doesn't matter who it is at this point as long as he knows what he's doing (Just kidding. I'm kidding!!)
3:30 Pass out without having to hold or cuddle anyone.
WHAT MY DAY IS REALLY LIKE
7:00 Alarm *hit snooze*
7:07 Alarm *hit snooze*
7:14 Alarm *hit snooze*
7:21 Alarm *hit snooze*
7:28 Alarm *hit snooze*
8:35 Alarm Wake up in a panic because I was supposed to leave 20 minutes ago but turned the damn alarm off and went back to sleep.
8:36 Turn on shower and climb in
8:36 :04 Climb back out of shower and remove pajamas
8:50 Iron and get dressed in outfit #1
8:50 :15 Stand in front of open closet and stare blankly at jumble of clothes remniscent of Filene's Basement after Black Friday.
9:10 Walk out of apartment in outfit #3 which is really outfit #2 with a different sweater.
9:11 Walk back up three flights of stairs, into apartment and grab PATH card.
9:12 Light up cigarette and begin horrendous commute
9:15 Climb aboard PATH train to WTC and sit next to the only person on the entire train who smells like sweat, cheap cologne and ass on a hot day.
9:40 Climb aboard E train to 53rd Street/5th Ave stop and get stared at by old men interested in acquiring their very own Miss-Saigon-geisha-girl to teach them the ways of the Kama Sutra, karate and how to make chop suey.
10:15 Walk into work an hour late and a dollar short.
10:15 *insert visions of Hell here*
6:15 Walk out and get harrassed by Fed Ex people who think "Woo-hoo baby" is going to get them a date.
7:30 Walk into apartment, clear path through crap to bed. Read, watch TV and generally putz around.
12:00 Go to sleep
12:10 Realize I'm not sleepy and climb out of bed to eat potato chips and pickles and watch "Cheers" because nothing else is on.
12:11 Get really annoyed and turn TV off because I'd rather slit my own throat with a plastic spoon than watch another second of the highly irritating and excruciatingly girly Diane Chambers.
12:11:14 Call Mike and wake him up because dammit if I can't sleep then no one is.
12:13 Get off the phone because somewhere in Mike's sleep-induced muffled cornucopia of words I distinctly hear the phrase "sadistic evil bitch."
12:15 Go to sleep because all this looking-for-something-to-do-because-I'm-not-sleepy made me sleepy.