Shit Talk

Shit Talk

(But first a random thought) "Awkward" is actually a very awkward word...odd how some words reflect their meaning. Like using the word "pedantic" actually makes you relatively pedantic. I'll have to remember that in case I'm ever tempted to use it.

Anyway, one of my friends who shall remain nameless (to stave off any hate mail) is definitely up there as one of my "Top 5 People To Talk Shit With." The other four people are Jon-Jon, Eric, Rose and Ben... I knew you were wondering who the others were so you could avoid them. Highlights from my AIM conversation with the unnamed person last night...

On some random chick:

Her: She talks funny...like a fob. It takes her awhile to get her sentences out.
Me: You mean like she's mentally conjugating the verb beforehand...*thinking* "Yeah he run over...wait is it run...or is it ran?"

On some chickenhead:

Her: She always tries to act mature...but she can't even hold onto a job.
Me: You said she has no skills...how's she supposed to find a job?
Her: Well she seems to always be pregnant...it's been like 8 times this year, isn't that some sort of record?
Me: Fertility is a skill? What are you trying to do, get her a job selling her eggs every month for in-vitro fertilization? Dude, that's a crapload of money if you can get around the fact that you'll have kids you don't know everywhere.
Her: Hahaha I swear she has the flattest ass yo...I've never seen an ass as flat as that.
Me: Why you checkin out her ass?
Her: You checked out my ass yesterday.
Me: Yeah but it looked cute. Why are you checking out nasty looking asses?
Her: She should get a miracle bra for her ass.
Me: I think they make those...they're called "shape shifters"....they're either that or they're supernatural beings on Charmed hahaha..
Her: She should get ass implants.
Me: Wouldn't all those prenancies have resulted in a curvaceous shape...like the residual effect would be big breasts and a round ass.
Her: hahahaha I guess the only cure is to have the baby grown in her ass
Me: hahahahaha If I were her daughter I'd be like I can deal with the flat ass but please don't make me as dumb as her...
Her: hahahaha...I can't deal with it...and it's not even mine.

On some random guys:

Her: I swear yo...he got a big ass head.
Me: "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea..."
Her: "SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS!!"

Her: I can't believe they actually think I was all upset over that guy...dumb asses yo.
Me: You know...I mean have they seen what he looks like??
Her: Hahahahah you know!! They're always trying to blow up all the guys there like they're pimps and shit. But HELLO, I was talking to 4 other guys at the time so I was like "Okay bye!"
Me: Don't let the door hit your ass on your way out! hahaha... you know who he's going out with now don't you?
Her: I heard he doesn't admit it to anyone.
Me: He doesn't.

On some triflin chick:

Her: Imagine she used to make me give her $5 every time she dropped my ass off at home...who does that shit...One time she called my house up talking trash and shit about my brother.
Me: What'd she say?
Her: She was like your fag ass brother is a player. I was like, "Well you fucked him."
Me: Cut her some slack ...he hid her in the closet when that other chick knocked on the door...she had to watch some girl try and blow the guy she was just fucking...she was crying and naked. It sucks to be crying and naked. Uh, not that I know.
Her: Whatever, I told her "Come on over...right now, so I can beat your ass...I'll even give you 5 dollars."
Me: hahahahahahahaha and did she?
Her: hahahahaha nahhh... but I never liked her from the start. She came over one day and we were playing Truth or Dare with my ex and his friend...she got dared to go into the other room and make out with the friend and she was like "OKAY!!!"
Me: Like you were telling her to go tie her shoelace and shit.
Her: I was like hold up...you all just met like 5 minutes ago..."At least wait until the 5th question"....I mean it was like the first question for gods sake.

Most people don't understand that shit-talking is an art form...my friend and I know we're horrible but we LOVE to laugh...we'll laugh at anyone's expense, even our own. Now I know ya'll are like "Man, now I know this bitch talks shit about me" but it's okay because you talk shit about me too! And those of you who know me understand that it's virtually impossible for me not to talk shit if it's funny... Everytime we'd all be chillen in Cali and John (or someone else but usually it's John) would say something stupid, Eric and Jon-Jon's heads would whip around towards me and I'd see this look of extreme anticipation on their faces. How can I disappoint such good friends??