The Oscars

The Oscars

I actually settled in to watch The Academy Awards tonight. Being that I never see movies I didn't actually know who was nominated. I just wanted to see what everyone was wearing. Remember Bjork's dress from last year, the one that looked as if she had glued a plastic swan to a lifesaver? Exactly. I'd hate to have to segue all my thoughts so I'll just take the easy way out and list them. You all know how much I love making lists:

1. Ananda's inane comments were luckily drowned out by the nasty red dress she was wearing. It looked like the neckline was made of bunting.
2. Ananda is enormous. Everytime I whine about exercising I'm going to use a mental picture of her to get my ass on the treadmill.
3. Josh Hartnett and Ethan Hawke both looked hot but they need haircuts.
4. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett only get away with matching everything they wear because they do it very well. It's good Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise broke up because they sucked at that.
5. Kate Winslet is a lot better looking than I had originally thought.
6. Leeza Gibbons said "This is very unusual" to Cameron Diaz which translates to "What the fuck are you wearing?" Cameron replied that when she saw the dress she thought "That gown is ME." Which means Cameron Diaz is a horrible pink and red swath of fabric that should be buried in the back of the closet, never to see the light of day.
7. Reese Witherspoon looked bangin in a glamourous, 30's-style beaded dress with matching Marlene Dietrich-hairstyle. Even her earrings were tight.
8. One of the two men who won the Oscar for Best Make-up looked like his tuxedo was made from the satin that lines coffins.
9. Why does Whoopee still have dreads? Her dreads are older than I am.
10. That red carpet is like 12 miles long. They should have volunteers pass out Dixie cups of water alongside it like in marathons.
11. It's been an hour already and I haven't seen any of my girls yet: Angelina Jolie, Shannyn Sossamon or Catherine Zeta Jones. I'm climbing the walls.
12. Ben Stiller was funny dressed like a character from Lord of the Rings... "Look at me...I look like some sort of ZZ Top troll guy." HAHAHAHA.
13. Listening to acceptance speeches is worse than watching paint dry or dust settle.
14. Mercedes got their SL commercial off. And I'm not just being biased because I love the song "Unchained Melody" which they used.
15. The best dress I've seen yet was worn by some plump chic who co-won for Best Costuming.
16. Woody Allen has got to be the biggest dork in Hollywood.
17. Closed captioning cracks me up... it's like they figure no one uses it so they try and save money by using less-educated typists. "Existential" became "Exo sten shall" which is Latin for "Political correctness demands that we have this for the 3 deaf people watching."
18. The best part of the night was the tribute to documentaries they showed, with real-life footage of everything from The Beatles, Martin Luther King Jr., WWII concentration camps, Woodstock, Hitler, JFK, Neil Armstrong, the first images from space, Anne Frank, Mother Teresa and countries and people all over the world.
19. I didn't know until tonight that Nathan Lane played "Timone" in The Lion King. Nathan Lane is the bomb.
20. Damn!!!!!! Monsters Inc. didn't win for Best Animated Film??? *GRRRRR*
21. Halle Berry's gown looked like it was made from the top and bottom half of two different dresses. So close and yet so far. It looked like they both could have been slammin dresses.
22. Okay the new best dress I've seen tonight is the slinky, glittery black dress worn by the tall blond Oscar Girl (is that what they call the chics who bring up the statues?)
23. Why do the wives in the audience always look so suspicious when their husbands thank them in their acceptance speeches?
24. Woo-hoo, I got to see Legolas during the Lord of the Rings rundown. HOTTIE!!
25. Now I know why there were so many weirdos backstage. The Cirque Du Soleil performed. They're fucking badass yo. I've been dying to see them live but tickets are mad expensive. Ferrari expensive.
26. It bugs the shit out of me when there are multiple winners and the first person (who knows they only get 2 minutes) thanks everyone and their fucking mothers. "I'd like to thank my gardener for the roses..."
27. I want a cig but my stomach hurts. Sorry, that's not an Oscar thought.
28. The "How cute!!" award for tonight goes to the wife of the guy who won for Best Original Score. She had "Hi Mae" written on her hand and she stuck it up when her husband won. Mae is their daughter...no I'm not omnipotent, I listened to his speech.
29. George says the commercials are better tonight than they were during the Super Bowl. I concur. Incidentally, I love the Onstar commercial starring Batman.
30. Best Live Action Shot is an award they should hide in that list they always run through on high-speed film.
31. It was pretty awesome of the Academy to give Sidney Poitier a very well-deserved honorary Oscar. His acceptance speech was the most eloquent, heartfelt and effortless of the night.
32. Did I put Hugh Jackman on my Men's Final Four? Because I should have. Or just does every guy in the world look dope in a tux? Let me re-vamp my list...bye Charlie Sheen.
33. I really thought Jennifer Lopez was going to be wearing two cotton balls and some tissue. Her poofy pink dress actually covers more than it reveals. I feel like I've entered some sort of alternate universe. Can someone please explain to me what she was trying to accomplish with that hairstyle?
34. Antonio Banderas is on now talking about To Kill A Mockingbird. I watched Interview With A Vampire tonight for the first time since I saw it in the theatre years ago and Antonio Banderas used to be pretty hot. Oh how the mighty have fallen.
35. John Goodman looks like he gives awesome hugs. He's like this big walking teddy bear.
36. Faith Hill is wearing what I guess is the trailer park version of the big Puerto Rican medallion.
37. If Nicole Kidman wins for Best Actress I would pay money to have the cameras pan to Tom Cruise.
38. Randy Newman gets my vote for best acceptance speech of the night when he won for Best Original Song after many years and 16 nominations. He threatened to never hire the musicians for anything ever again if they started playing the "get off the stage" music during his speech.
39. Gwenyth Paltrow got the Oscar for Most Hideous Dress. It made her look like she had 6 breasts. "Godawful" and "atrocious" are understatements.
40. Sharon Stone is still one hot momma.
41. There were only two mentions of September 11... is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm actually surprised... normally there are hundreds of liberal actors/mindless sheep more than willing to scream "Peace not war" or "Peace in the Middle East." You didn't think I was going to get through one post without one potshot at the other side did you?
42. Much props to the Academy for remembering to include Aaliyah in their tribute to movie industry people who passed away in the last year.
43. They just gave Robert Redford the Lifetime Achievement Award. They played a rundown of his millions of films and all I can think is... what movie was he in with Brad Pitt? They kept showing him with Brad Pitt and they look like father and son.
44. Someone should have held Barbra Streisand down a long time ago and forcibly given her a nose job. Also, why is she wearing a Navajo blanket instead of a dress?
45. Halle Berry moved me more with her hysterics onstage during her acceptance speech than the scene of her crying they showed from Monster's Ball. And you know me, I cry during movies at the drop of a hat. I'm just in shock that the first black actress to ever win a Best Actress Oscar is one who can't act for shit. They need to issue a retroactive Oscar to Angela Bassett for pretty much every serious movie she's done. Is it me or if Halle was going to thank her lawyers she should have included the woman she ran over then left for dead? Okay never mind.
46. Whoopee did a pretty good job hosting the show. Her best line was in response to some fan who screamed her appreciation of Randy Newman. "Just wipe up after you're done." I'm so predictable... of course I had to praise her one perverted comment of the night.
47. The closed captioning people just spelled "hallucinations" as "lueg sensations."
48. Denzel Washington just won the Best Actor Oscar which makes me think the Academy has an ulterior motive. The Academy Awards went from snubbing black actors to rewarding them with two of the biggest Oscars in one night? Pardon my disbelief. What's the catch?? Anyway I thought The Hurricane and Malcolm X were more Oscar-worthy performances than Training Day.
49. They just gave Ron Howard the Oscar for Best Director (and Jennifer Connelly who starred in it the Best Supporting Actress Oscar earlier). But everyone who saw A Beautiful Mind said Russell Crowe made the biggest impact. You knew they weren't going to give the Best Actor nod to Russell Crowe though, he would have then got it two years in a row. Plus half of Hollywood hates him. They weren't about to let him make history in such a resounding way. They wouldn't even let Tom Hanks have 3 Oscars and everyone loves him. Anyway I'm glad Ron Howard won...he got my vote because even though I didn't see A Beautiful Mind yet, he directed The Grinch That Stole Christmas and that's a great movie haha!!
50. A Beautiful Mind just got the Oscar for Best Picture. Yeah, I'm fucking pissed. In this politically correct world I doubt anyone will say it but I will. Russell Crowe got robbed. Oh man, that just wasn't even right. Geo is pissed too. That's our boy yo (even if he is a snot). The Academy obviously used the incident with BAFTA against Crowe which goes to show you that the Academy Awards is more about popularity than the strength of the acting roles involved. I can't believe I wasted 4 hours watching this. This is worse than the obligatory presidential "election" in dictatorship-run countries. I feel dirty. I need to go take a shower and wash this off me.

GOOD NIGHT SEATTLE!!!!