March 23, 2002

The Men's Final Four

The Men's Final Four

I met up with some friends at Liberty Bar in Hoboken last night to watch the Maryland and Kansas games. As you can imagine my whole swearing off alcohol thing was shot to hell but I did manage to "limit" myself to 3 Ketel and Crans, 3 shots of Blackhaus and one "Screaming Orgasm" -- it's a drink. I'm not (that much of) an exhibitionist. So the topic turned off basketball to the "Real Final Four" website I mentioned in my last post. I said it would be difficult for me to come up with a Tourney website like that for hot male celebrities, because there's not that many of them around. Mike ("M Pip"), Ed and EJ vehemently disagreed and proceeded to list what their Final Fours would be.

Some of Ed's quotes: Brad Pitt would definitely be in mine (Editor's note: All 3 guys nodded their approval). In fact I think he'd go all the way. Matthew McConaughey would be my sleeper.
Some of M Pip's quotes: My friend took a picture with Johnny Depp once at like 4 in the morning and he has perfect bone structure. Tom Cruise is a really good-looking guy.
Some of EJ's quotes: Brad Pitt is definitely in. What about Carson Daly? Tyson Beckford would win it all I think. That guy has an amazing body.

I feel beholden to add their disclaimer, courtesy of Ed. Their appreciation of these men are not derived from any type of sexual attraction, but rather that whole "I wouldn't mind looking like him" thing. My friend Tim who plays for the MetroStars once said "Well he's not my Ben Affleck or anything" which makes me believe that guys have men they admire physically (in a non-sexual way) but are usually loathe to admit it. George hadn't contributed to the conversation at all so this morning I tried to help him pin down his Final Four.

George: I can't think of anyone. It would have to be someone who can kick ass... not like that guy in all those girly movies Manny and Les like so much.
Me: Yeah, Freddie Prinze Jr. is pretty weak. He's one of those guys that would end up in the Men's Tourney only cuz there's no more room in the Women's Tourney. Like Leonardo DiCaprio.
George: You can put Val Kilmer in there. From Tombstone though not Top Gun. "I'm your Huckleberry."
Me: Most definitely.
George: And without the Tuberculosis.
Me: Okay, sans Tuberculosis. What about Legolas from Lord of the Rings? He's pretty in that shoot-you-through-the-eye-with-an-arrow kind of way.
George: Terry McGinnis would be my sleeper. My dark horse in the running.
Me: Yeah he'd be a really dark horse considering he's a fucking cartoon George. Most women don't sweat animation.
George: You do.
Me: Yes but I'm insane. And Terry McGinnis is hot.

In the end George picked Val Kilmer, Russell Crowe, Jet Li and Pierce Brosnan. Jet Li is mad short but like I've said a million times, there's something sexy about a guy who could kill you with a piece of corn.

Outside of the Top 5 who are the guys from my "Men I am allowed to sleep with if they ever come sniffing" list, I don't know what the rankings would be if I were to create a bracket tournament for hot male celebrities. I'm not going to rank them because although I have a lot of time on my hands, I don't have THAT MUCH time on my hands. It's hard enough just thinking of 60 hot male celebrities. And keep in mind these are MY PREFERENCES not yours so save the "eeew HIM???" comments for someone who gives a fuck. I assume the players would probably look like this:

(I don't like all of them but there are some like Freddie Prinze Jr. who I can't just leave off because he's girly. I know you all won't know a lot of them so I'll try to explain who some of the more obscure ones are...)

1. Jason Mamoa (Half-white/half Hawaiian guy from Baywatch Hawaii which I used to watch on mute)
2. Allan Houston (Two-guard for the Knicks)
3. James Marsters ("Spike" from Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
4. Josh Hartnett (Pearl Harbor, 40 Days and 40 Nights)
5. Robin Padilla (Filipino actor)
6. Michael Vartan (The teacher from Never Been Kissed)
7. Ben Affleck
8. Matthew McConaughey (A Time To Kill)
9. Johnny Depp
10. Chow Yun Fat (The Replacement Killers, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)
11. Jan-Michael Gambill (The tennis player)
12. Mark Dacascos (From The Crow TV series)
13. Russell Wong (The wall scene from The Joy Luck Club leaves him permanently etched on this list)
14. Harry Connick Jr.
15. Jason Lee
16. Cary Elwes (The Princess Bride, Glory)
17. Taye Diggs (Shower scene from How Stella Got Her Groove Back leaves him permanently etched on this list)
18. Antonio Sabato Jr. (Jagger from General Hospital, underwear model)
19. Ethan Hawke (Dead Poet's Society, Gattaca, Reality Bites)
20. Julian McMahon ("Cole" on the WB show Charmed)
21. Matt Dillon (The Outsiders, Drugstore Cowboy, Something About Mary)
22. Rob Lowe (The Outsiders, homemade porn with a couple of 15-year olds)
23. Rupert Everett (My Best Friend's Wedding)
24. Val Kilmer
25. Russell Crowe
26. Jet Li
27. Hugh Jackman (Kate and Leopold)
28. Jude Law (Enemy At The Gates, The Talented Mr. Ripley)
29. Denzel Washington
30. Pierce Brosnan (James Bond)
31. Alex Lundqvist (Swedish model for Hugo Boss)
32. Mark McGrath (Lead singer for Sugar Ray)
33. Dean Cain (Lois and Clark)
34. Benicio Del Toro (Traffic, The Usual Suspects)
35. D'Angelo
36. Derek Jeter (Shortstop for the Yankees)
37. Costas Mandylor (I can't remember anything he did except Mobsters but YUM!)
38. Guy Pearce (Memento)
39. Eminem (Come on guys, you knew this was coming. The boy is fly.)
40. Will Smith
41. Matthew Perry
42. Giovani Ribisi (Boiler Room, Saving Private scoff but he's a sleeper yo. He's on like 3 of my girls' Top 10)
43. Michael Jordan
44. Goran Visnjic (Dr. Kovak on ER -- you know how I am about Croatian men.)
45. The Rock (Yeah I said it!! And what?!?!)
46. Morris Chestnut (He wasn't cute in Under Siege 2 but made a good recovery in The Best Man)
47. Brendan Fraser (The Mummy, The Mummy Returns)
48. Joseph Fiennes (Shakespeare In Love)
49. Dougray Scott (Ever After, Mission Impossible 2)
50. Harrison Ford (I know he's old but I bet he'd cause some major upsets in the brackets)
51. Tom Cruise (Bleh)
52. Paul Walker (The Fast and The Furious)
53. Mel Gibson
54. David Duchovny (Mulder from The X-Files)
55. James Marsden
56. George Clooney
57. Ashton Kutcher (Dude, Where's My Car?...he was a model prior to that shining example of cinematic brilliance.)
58. Keanu Reeves
59. Leonardo DiCaprio
60. Freddie Prinze Jr.

Fuck I'm tired. It took me like 2 hours, "hot men" netsearches and George reading from Cosmopolitan magazine to finish it. See what you can accomplish while waiting for Justice League to come on?? I'm missing a whole crapload of musicians and athletes but I had to make it relatively mainstream. The last 10 men were people I wanted to leave off but couldn't, knowing how some of the lamer members of my gender are. I refuse to put Justin Timberlake and Carson Daly in.... bleeehhhhhhhhhh. That would just be too disgusting. George would kill me if I puked on his laptop.

I can't end this without throwing shoutouts to some deceased hotties: Brandon Lee, Tupac Shakur and River Phoenix. The world is an uglier place without you.

Results: Jason Mamoa, Josh Hartnett, Johnny Depp and Julian McMahon made it to my Final Four, but Jason took them all out by flexing his abs.

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