Arthritis of the Ass and The Guys Downstairs
I think I have arthritis of the ass. No, seriously. It started about 4 days ago and it hurts like a fucking bitch. You know how some people get that ache in their joints when it's about to rain? Well it feels like that only it's in my butt cheeks. NO, SERIOUSLY!! Mike J says I probably pinched a nerve in my lower back and it's shooting pains downward. I guess if it continues I have to go to a chiropractor but Howard Stern says they're not real doctors and Howard Stern is the authority on All Things Great and Small.
I was hanging out last night with the guys downstairs. It was such a warm night that I was climbing the walls in my apartment, so I grabbed some Ketel One, Cran and OJ and headed downstairs. Steve lit some candles and talk turned over to my impending doom at the workplace so naturally we started discussing my escort service. Brian and Steve are on board so I have to write their bios. And unlike Jean-Michel, Paul and Jim these guys are willing to have sex with old ladies for the right price so HOOOOORAYYY... I have all the bases covered. M Pip, Paul and Jim can bat and maybe get halfway to first where Brian and Steve will be pinch runners. No, really... we're all going to be rich. Especially Brian and Steve, who are both cute as well by the way. I guess I should write up their bios for the brochure:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian
Born in St. Petersburg, Russia, Brian's great-grandfather was a member of Tsar Nicholas and Tsarina Alexandra's royal court, the last Imperial Family of Tsarist Russia before their exile. Although expected to take the reins of the family fishing empire, Brian decided to take the road less-traveled and become a free-lance writer for a large circulation travel magazine. His writing has brought him to the white cliffs of Dover, the Parthenon, the Australian Outback, the rainforests of the Amazon, the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall of China, the Congo and Siberia where he wrote an award-winning paper on the Aurora Borealis. Brian's passion outside of writing is mountain climbing. In 1996-99 he climbed the seven highest peaks in each of the seven continents, summitting Everest on May 29, 1999 -- 46 years to the date after Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay became the first men to summit Mount Everest. As a result, his muscles have muscles. Brian's other interests include houseboating, riding motorcycles, raising his 3 Labrador puppies and studying astronomy. "Women are like the Northern Lights," Brian wrote once. "Their power is not only in their beauty but also in their ability to make man feel awed, scared, inspired yet humbled all at once."
Steve
Born in Damascus, Syria, the oldest city in the world, Steve's family accumulated the bulk of their wealth in the years following Syria's independence from France. With his inheritance, he moved to New York to pursue a career in music. Although many record labels came calling, Steve refused to dilute his music with commercialism and mass-market productions...yet every show they've ever held has sold out in the first hour. Steve's hobbies also include playing the piano and violin, studying ancient civilizations, writing poetry in Italianized Latin, running in marathons and creating computer programs using Prometheus, an intricate programming language designed for artificial intelligence, mathematics and logic. And all that talent lies behind a face that would put Adonis to shame.
Rolling Stone once referred to Steve's voice as "capable of sending shivers down the backs of even the most chaste of women." Enough said.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't have to gloss theirs up too much cuz they're willing to put out. That alone will sell them.
