May 29, 2002

Spectator Sports

Spectator Sports

MPip just sent me Bill Simmons' column on losses and it's awesome. It truly captures what you the fan go through everytime you watch one of "your" teams. I love this quote: "Anyway, by the time Edmonton's Petr Klima drove a stake into our hearts around 1 a.m., we were drunk, drained, jittery and semi-suicidal. I don't even really remember what happened after that." That was me after the Nets' losses in Games 2 and 3. That was me after that "no fumble" bullshit during the Raiders/Pats game last January. That was me in September '99 after the Trinidad-De La Hoya fight. That was me watching Pete Sampras play one of the worst matches of his life in the 2001 U.S. Open Final against Lleyton Hewitt. By the way, it's not that I'm a huge Sampras fan, I just didn't enjoy seeing him go out like that. He represents the very best of what tennis used to be. Let's take a moment and reflect on the Golden Years of men's tennis (sorry for the David Bowie reference but this song is on now)...

Does anyone remember watching Mats Wilander, Ivan Lendl, Boris Becker, Jim Courier, Agassi, Sampras and my all-time-favorite Stefan Edberg play??? Those were the DAYS!!! Now it's all boring to me. However I do admit I love watching Andy Roddick play. Don't get me started on women's tennis. Their most visible player has never even come close to winning a Grand Slam, but she wears cute panties. Serena and Venus are bad ass players but you KNOW they're built like men. OF COURSE they can serve that ball 100 mph right up your ass. DUH. I know it's politically correct to call them beautiful but I'll be honest, they have broader shoulders than every male co-worker in my line of sight. It's like how WNBA columnists complain about the stereotype that female basketball players are closet lesbians, then the WNBA players roll up looking/walking/acting like men and hanging out with their little girl "friends." There's nothing wrong with it. But let's all stop trying to put a spin on everything PLEASE! Anyway back to tennis, Hingis whines too much and all the young girls spend more time trying to gain Anna Kournikova-esque exposure than actually honing their skills. Tennis skills. I felt the need to clarify.

I miss the days of watching Steffi Graf and Monica Seles in every Grand Slam Final for 4 years. I watched Steffi whoop some unknown once at the 1990 U.S. Open (6-1, 6-0) and Chris Evert said "Steffi plays like she's double-parked in front of a hydrant." Funny as hell... okay back to basketball...

Look at this quote from my favorite player Kobe: (he thought he was fouled on the last play of Game 5...GO KINGS!!!) "There is no need for me to comment on that. You guys saw the replay," he said. "We'll take the one-point defeat, go home and win the next game."

I love it when Kobe cries about the refs. He fouls people with regularity and never gets called. Players breathe on him a little too hard or accidentally drop a little driplet of sweat on him and the refs call a foul. He's the last person that should ever be complaining about "bad calls" since he's the person that benefits the most from them in the league. I think this deserves another replay of the Official Insignia of the "Kobe Cries Like a Little Bitch" Club:

By the way, Kobe fights like a 9-year-old girl. I guess his Backstreet Boys posse didn't teach him how to fight in the Township of Lower Merion. Anyway I hate the Lakers so much that sometimes I think it eclipses my love for the Nets/Knicks. Actually, the Knicks have been consistently annoying me in the last couple seasons. Everyone knows I love love love Allan Houston. He's on my Top 10. But the First Rule of Basketball Operations is that you do NOT give 120-million-dollar contracts to twoguards that can't step the team up when they're losing. If you're gonna dish it out, you give 120 million dollars to the KGs... the JKidds... and I hate to say it but the Shaqs/Kobes. You do not give them to Allan "No defense, decent offense 20-points-3-rebounds per game" Houston. I hate to say it but it had to be said.

Anyway tonight's game is going to have me nervous as hell. I can never watch all 4 quarters of the game because my whole body is tense and stressed. I think if the Nets had lost Game 4 I would have been near an aneurysm. Thank God the game is on NBC so I can scream from the comfort of my own home. Oh wait... LLB is playing at the Junkyard tonight. The Nets won all the games I've watched from there so maybe I will make the trip out. How funny is it that athletes and sports fans are so superstitious sometimes? Like those players that wear the same underwear or socks every game. Or how Jason Kidd kisses his hand before every free throw. I did a net search on "weird athlete rituals" and found this article. When I played competitive tennis in high school I used to spin the racket in my hand (like the racket handle would twirl in my loose grip) before every serve.

"N-E-T-S N-E-T-S N-E-T-S NETS NETS NETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sorry, just had to steal that.

When I was working at the NBA my boy Pete once changed my friend Spider's windows opening wav file to "J-E-T-S J-E-T-S J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS" cuz Spi hated the Jets (he was a diehard Bills fan).

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