June 8, 2002

Game 2

Game 2

1. The commentators are talking mad shit about the Nets' performance in the first half (for good reason) but the fact remains that even playing the way they are offensively, they're only 6 points down. The Nets are making rookie mistakes though. Missing some easy shots, plus on a fast break they should know better than to think all five of them are needed. They paved the way for Shaq's ridiculously easy dunk. Kwame asked why the Nets weren't playing zone but it looks to me like they're trying, but it's so fragmented it looks exactly like when they're running man-to-man.

2. Oh my God, Shaq just landed on Jason Collins. How is that boy still alive... and running too. He must have bones of steel. I need to buy that video.

3. I am so unimpressed with Shaq's dunks. "Oh the power!!" Um, he weighs 300 lbs... HELLO. "He just jammed it in there!!" How can you be impressed with someone who has a one foot vertical?

4. Oh my god they just called Shaq for a goaltend. That's the seventh sign of the Apocalypse. I will be sleeping at the post office (in the nuclear fallout shelter) tonight.

5. You all know I love the Nets but if they keep playing like this in every first half they don't deserve to win. By the way, here's the greatest quote of the night made by one of the commentators: "If you can't make shots you can't win ballgames." Jesus Christ that's brilliant. He should be a coach.

6. Kwame thinks you can't be a Knicks fan and a Nets fan at the same time (apparently he's ignoring my existence). He doesn't want to see Nets win a championship before the Knicks do. The Knicks had their chance in 99 remember? And even though they were outmatched sizewise we still believed they could do it but they didn't. If I recall properly no one except Spree and occasionally Camby even played like they wanted it. I don't see anything wrong with hoping the Nets don't fuck theirs up. Besides, it's not like the Nets and Knicks ever had a rivalry. The Nets were always too pathetic to be considered rivals by the team across the river.

7. Hold up a sec while I go on the NBC site and e-mail the commentators. I'm going to let them know it might be easier for them to enunciate if they remove their respective tongues from Shaq's asshole.

8. That elbow Kobe just took to the face turned me on. Jim Whats-his-face's interview with Kobe at the half:

Jim: That elbow you took to the face, are you okay? Are you still bleeding?
Kobe: Naww I'm alright, it didn't hurt.
Jim: The Nets are only down by 7, are they still in the ballgame?
Kobe: Not really.

What the interview would have been like if it was me doing the interviewing:

Riss: That elbow you took to the face looked like it hurt.
Kobe: Naww I'm alright, it didn't hurt.
Riss: Then why were you crying like a little bitch afterwards?
Kobe: Umm..
Riss: The Nets are only down by 7, are they still in this ballgame?
Kobe: Not really.
Riss: Does it expend a lot of energy to be this conceited? Does your wife not mind your conceit so much because she's now married to a millionaire? Does it bother you that your teammate Shaq tells everyone who will listen that the only reason you married her is so that at least one person in the world would like you?

9. I just realized right this moment exactly why I hate the Lakers so much. It's not just Kobe's all-consuming arrogance, although that's icing. It's because they're a team that wouldn't be anywhere without a leader who doesn't rely on intelligence to win, he relies on brute strength. If the Lakers didn't have Shaq they wouldn't have anything except Kobe scoring 50 points per night, and the rest of the team scoring 10. It's not like when Jordan was in his prime and no one could guard him because of his skill. It was fun watching him break people left and right. No one can guard Shaq because of his size. And that's not his fault or anything, it's just annoying to watch in a game like basketball. It's just not fun watching someone who is already 6-10 and 260 lbs post up against someone who makes him look like an anorexic midget (with a small hand). I just watched Shaq get a rebound in the middle of 5 Nets and it looked like a bunch of 6-year olds playing with a 12-year old. Hahaha a split second after I typed that one of the commentators said "Do you ever get the feeling that guarding Shaq is like when you were playing with your older brother as a kid?"

10. They're saying Shaq is missing his free throws because he's "just having one of his off free throw nights" but I think he's concentrating on keeping his feet behind the free throw line. Apparently the Kings and the Mavs were quoted in the newspapers as saying that Shaq always crosses the line before his free throw hits the rim and never gets called for it. They also pointed out that grass is green and the sky is blue.

11. God, the Nets look really horrible out there. There's no excuse for them right now. They're professional ballplayers and they should start playing like it in the Finals.

The Lakers have a 2-0 lead. My verdict?


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