June 17, 2002

In The News On Paul's Birthday

In The News On Paul's Birthday

I can't believe we're even expending so many resources for "John Walker Lindh: The American Taliban" Wasn't there once a day when citizens who fought against their nations were considered "traitors" and strung up?? I severely doubt our forefathers were too concerned about whether or not Benedict Arnold was able to get a fair trial in the colonies. Who cares?!?!?!?!?! See, this is yet more evidence of the CIA's inability to act decisively. This guy should've just been shot during that Taliban/Al Qaeda prison riot he was captured during. He obviously wasn't there on vacation (only "Jose Padilla The Puerto Rican Al Qaeda Guy" vacations in Afghanistan). "What sir? You say you were fighting American troops and possibly killing some? You say you completely supported and aided Bin Laden's attacks against the U.S??" *gunshot* *silence* Case closed, none of my tax dollars being wasted on some scumbag prick. "Riss have some compassion, what if it was your son??" If it were my son he would be smart enough to BEG the CIA agents to kill him rather than letting him come home to face ME.

Is anyone else surprised that the U.S. is still alive and kicking in the World Cup?? I was reading that article this morning and it reminded me of back in the day (okay two years ago) when my friend Steve and I used to go see his best friend Tim play soccer (he's the goalie for the MetroStars). I was infatuated with Timmy's teammate Mike Petke.

Paul just sent me and MPip some Salon story on Deep Throat, Nixon's ultimate nemesis. Naturally the level of humor in the ensuing e-mails degenerated completely being that you can't have a political discussion with 3 young people involving the phrase "Deep Throat."

MPip: "How long have you been searching for Deep Throat?" "Too long my friends. Too long."
Paul: "I have yet to find her."
Riss: "I hear gay men have very good control over their gag reflexes."
Paul: "Blow me."
MPip: "You're like a sexual Cliff Claven."

I'm still blogging but I'm taking Paul out for his birthday. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAUL!!!) If I don't come back it's because he strangled me after opening his "joke present" so call the police okay? Maybe I should give him the real gift first.


Okay so I'm back. Alive and well. No strangulation, just a good-natured "Kiss my ass."

Paul is having a problem with tacky lawn ornaments spontaneously appearing on his front lawn courtesy of his father-in-law. He thinks that's a big deal but I thought that was the norm for Woodbridge exterior decoration. What better way to accentuate that trailer than with your very own plastic flamingos? Apparently I'm wrong, so I stand corrected. So what do you get one of your closest friends who happens to be embroiled in The Saga of Uninvited Lawn Ornaments for his birthday?? More lawn ornaments of course!! I got him this foot-high ceramic frog peeking through his fingers. I told him he has to put it out on his lawn facing his existing plastic animal menagerie, like it's saying "Oh God what is all this shit??" His real gift was this art/design book called "The House Book" which has pictures of awesome houses worldwide, ranging from the elaborate architecture of palaces like Versailles to the minimalist design popular in Japan. I'm actually thinking of picking up a copy of the book for myself. It'll save me money since I always seem to be picking up magazines like "Worth" or "Unique Homes" and they cost like $5 a pop.

I just took this science test on MSNBC.com and got like a 78. Dammit. Now how am I going to go on Jeopardy?? I can't just bank on the appearance of the "World War II" and "Potent Potables" categories.

Don't you love it that cops can arrest this guy for licking women's feet but they can't find the guys who stole 6 cars in 3 days on my street corner. Yesss.

And in Nashville...

"A Rutherford county grand jury indicted a woman, who police say used poisonous spiders and a hit man to try to kill her husband. Teresa Rivera was indicted on charges of solicitation of first-degree murder and attempted first-degree murder. She's expected to be arraigned Monday. Back in 1999 she allegedly hired a hit man and paid him $500, but he did not do the job. When that didn't work, police say Rivera attempted to kill her husband herself by placing poisonous spiders on him while he was sleep, but that also "didn't work."

Oh and in Los Angeles, police just raided a golf-course that also doubled as a brothel. Talk about middle-aged men having their cake and eating it too... Chillin on the back nine with your homies, a couple Heinekens and some hoes *TOO MANY OBVIOUS JOKES HERE* Fore!!!!!!!!!! By the way, do you guys know where the derivative of calling out "Fore" before you drive is? Golf originated in Scotland and in battle they used to call out "BEFORE THE CANNONS" before they fired the cannons to warn their own soldiers. Over the years it was shortened to "Fore" and eventually applied to golf. See? You learn something new and useless every day.

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