June 28, 2002

MPip's Draft Thoughts

MPip's Draft Thoughts

MPip should work for NBA.com, since he knows his college ball AND likes to talk about the foreign players. But maybe that's because he's comprised of a bunch of ethnicities all belonging to the former Yugoslav Republic. When I worked for the league, they were seriously trying to hype up all their foreign players so they could draw in a more global audience. Problem is, they pretty much only had Vlade Divac, Vitaly Potapenko and Toni Kukoc to work with. And even that was stretching. Peja Stojakovic wasn't at the level he was now and he was too new. They featured Steve Nash a lot but I really don't think Canadians should count as foreigners. But maybe I'm just saying that because American sports leagues have basketball, hockey and baseball teams in Canada. Okay I've gone off on a tangent now, here's Mpip:

1. Yao Ming drafted #1. Now I think that's great. I really really really hope he's good, but I think he's a Chinese Shawn Bradley. Others say he's a Chinese Rik Smits. The only difference is Rik Smits wore black socks. I expect to see many "Shaq Has Yao Ming For Lunch" headlines next season. The name is too perfect. It just sounds like something you eat.
2. 6 foreigners went in the first round. Sweet!
3. 3 Yugos, 1 Croat and 1 Slovenian got drafted. That's more guys than got drafted from Duke. Sweet!
4. The Knicks got Antonio McDyess for Cotton Camby and 300-year old Mark Jackson (isn't that guy one of those 'player-coach' type players every year in the playoffs now? Like Avery Johnson...) My belief is that the Knicks got McDyess in an effort to lure JKidd, who has some thing for playing with McDyess. The Knicks, completely upstaged by the Nets this year, feel left out. So they'll go after the Nets franchise with the McDyess carrot. In this situation the Knicks remind me of that prick friend who can't get his own girls so he tries to steal girls from his best friend. No legwork is involved at all in picking up the girl. You hang out with your buddy and his girl, get to know her and when things go sour she falls into your lap. That's the Knicks--trying to steal JKidd from the Nets. The bastards.
5. My beloved Celtics drafted the best available white guy--Darius Songalia from Wake. Not a bad player, but the ACC isn't the NBA. I hope he's better than Michael Smith from BYU. I still shudder to think that the C's picked that 28-year old Mormon rookie over Vlade Divac, who ended up with the hated Lakers at the end of the first round. My dad and I are still pissed off at the Celtics about that.
6. Speaking of the Lakers, what the fuck is the Raptors problem? Why would you trade Kareem Rush to the Lakers for old-ass, no neck Lindsey Hunter and some guy I never heard of? Does the rest of the league not care that the Lakers are going to win again next year? The last thing the league needs is more titles for Phil Jackson. Do you realize that Robert Fucking Horry has more rings than Larry Bird and one less than Michael Jordan? Robert Fucking Horry. Don't even get me started on Rick Fox. He's got one less than the Birdman.
7. Saw an interview on MSG with Dajuan Wagner from Camden, NJ and Memphis U who got drafted #6 by the Cavs. Talk about a miserable son of a bitch. This 19-year old kid is about to get a guaranteed $8 million or whatever and he looked pissed that he'd have to play on a shitty Cleveland team. Boo fucking hoo. Let's switch places, dick. You do my job and wake up at 6:30 every morning and I'll live in the lap of luxury, sleeping all day, shooting hoops all night. I can live with 25-57 records for that kind of money. Tired ass bitch!
8. Washington selects Juan Dixon with a first-round pick. A 6'3" shooting guard? In the NBA? Even Allan Houston can block his shot!
9. Utah drafts Curtis Borchardt, a white center from Stanford with bad feet. You know the Utah brass sits around at every draft saying, "OK we need a white guy. All our fans are white, everybody that lives in the state is white, so who's it gonna be? Dan Dickau or Curtis Borchardt? Somebody give me a quarter and let's end it."
10. Orlando drafts Ryan Humphrey from Notre Dame. Saw him play a few times. Not bad, but he's no NBA player. The Magic should trade their picks to the devil for a healthy Grant Hill. That guy's played about 10 games in 3 years in Orlando. I wonder if he even feels bad picking up a check from the organization.
11. A guy from Brazil got drafted in the top 10. Did you even know they play basketball in Brazil? Oh wait, they had that guy Oscar Schmidt a few years back. Oscar Schmidt? How is that a Brazilian name?
12. Phoenix, in their pursuit for the next Dan Majerle, select Casey Jacobsen, a white shooter from Stanford.
13. Isiah Thomas, proving once again he's a complete moron, selects a 6'4" shooting guard from Oregon who can't shoot. He can really dunk, though! He's the next Darrin Hancock. Who? Exactly.
14. Carlos Boozer leaves Duke a year early to get drafted by Cleveland at #35? I thought you had to be smart to attend Duke. Guess not. I can't wait to see this limited skill bully sit on the bench and play garbage time. Hang on, he plays in Cleveland. I'll never see a Cleveland game. Quick: name 3 guys besides Andre Miller that play for the Cavs...
15. The second round is so lame that I only know about 5 guys that got drafted. This is where teams draft foreign guys that can't play in the NBA for at least 3 years due to strict contracts or military obligations to their home country.

Oh man, I hope you enjoyed his commentary as much as I did. I'm still laughing at my desk. MPip and I are supposedly going to start our own website but we got hung up on the name. Or he was supposed to give me a business plan but he hasn't had time because he just bought a house AND the pirates who just bought our company have the audacity to keep giving him work. Sometimes I walk by MPip's desk and he gives me this look like he's mentally dismembering the "integration crew" from the other company. Scary, yet oddly intruiging for someone like me, who spends too much time on crimelibrary.com -- incidentally I just watched the Johnny Depp movie From Hell ("Johnny Depp has perfect bone structure" -- MPip) which is about Jack the Ripper. The movie itself is okay but the sound effects are horribly disturbing. Especially in surround sound.

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