June 13, 2002

Underworked Brain Cells, Cribs and The "Glamourous 70's"

Underworked Brain Cells, Cribs and The "Glamourous 70's"

I'm in an intellectually unhealthy zone and I can't seem to get out. I haven't done anything even remotely mentally challenging in like two weeks. And it's only getting worse. The past few days I've actually been watching some MTV which is a channel I normally stay away from because it's the ultimate vehicle to mental oblivion. If it takes the use of three brain cells to watch a sitcom, it takes .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000003 brain cells to watch anything on MTV. And I haven't read anything that's actually taught me anything recently. All I've been reading are trashy historical romance novels. So I've learned that all men in Regency-era England have enormous penises, no body fat, eat what they want (pheasant, lamb and veal in rich sauces) and yet don't exercise and all women in Regency-era England have enormous breasts, no body fat, eat what they want (pheasant, lamb and veal in rich sauces) and yet don't exercise. Oh and I'm still reading Black Hawk Down, pretty much ten pages every few days or so. Paul is about to stab me for borrowing his book for so long. Normally it takes me only a few hours to read a book that length but I think the reason I can only read a bit at a time is because everytime I open it and read, someone in the book is getting their head blown off or or the tip of their pinky blown almost completely off and they have to duct tape it back on. Good Lord this book is brutal. As far as I can tell there's no story at all, just one big battle and lots of people getting fucked up injuries. I think anyone that doesn't appreciate our military should be dropped right into the middle of a battle one day. See ya...

Back to my point. I was watching MTV last night and they had that show on Cribs. The lead singer of Korn's house is pretty bad ass. Also, it's decorated with a lot of polished wood and brown leather. You wouldn't think that someone like him would have such a classy looking living room. Yeah yeah, "Never judge a book by its cover." Bite me. We all do it, whether or not we mean to. He has this TV in his bedroom too that's like a 6-foot, widescreen HDTV. In the back there's a lagoon-style set of pools and waterfalls that kind of looks like a nicer version of the Tropicana Hotel in Vegas. It even has a waterslide.

Next they showed that blond chic's house from 7th Heaven. First thing I noticed was that she had a Thomas Kinkade print in her living room, which upped her stock because he's my favorite contemporary artist. Or maybe she was just jumping on the September 11th celebrity bandwagon, since the print she had was "The Light of Freedom." Her living room looked like an LL Bean Home catalog. All gingham red, cadet blue and white decor and pillows. Her stock plummeted when they went into her bedroom, because she's 21 years old and her entire bed is covered with teddy bears. But then they showed her "entertainment room" which has a big TV, comfy couches and most importantly a fridge full of alcoholic beverages. So then her stock rose again. She's still a dork though.

You know who had the best house out of the 8 or so episodes of Cribs I've ever seen? Tommy Lee. His house isn't just bad ass, it's BAD MOTHERFUCKING ASS. That's the only phrase that's even remotely applicable. It's part entertainment haven, part funhouse, part 1800's New Orleans brothel and part normal everyday mansion. His kitchen is huge, his studio is amazing and his bedroom has a swing above a bed the size of Kansas. He even has one small room with walls covered in "Big Bird" fuzzy material and that's it. He goes in there to hug the walls and feel happy. Translation: He goes in there when he's feeling paranoid from all the crack he smoked and all the coke he snorted. They showed a commercial for Making The Video and used the phrase "The glamour of the 70's." Uhh... which 70's? Because if they mean the 1970's, then that phrase is like saying "The cleanliness of a public restroom in Bhutan." In the 20th century the 30's were glamourous...the 40's were glamourous...the 50's were glamourous. The 60', 70's and 80's were NOT. The jury's still out on the 90's but if people think the 90's were glamourous it's only because everyone was trying to dress like Bette Davis, Lauren Bacall, Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly. The only thing "glamourous" about the 70's was that I was born during them. And I spent most of the decade sitting in my own poop. I know... Could I BE any more full of it??

No comments: