In The Bizarro News

In The Bizarro News
Okay so first and foremost, they just announced the nominations for the 2003 Emmy Awards. 99% of them I could give a shit about (but don't) except ONE. If Keifer Sutherland doesn't win for Best Actor in a drama I'm going to have an attack. NO REALLY, I am. I don't know what kind but I know I will have one. He's made the best comeback of any actor I've ever watched (screw John Travolta... he sucked when he was young and he sucks now. His performance in Pulp Fiction was overrated. He wasn't even the one who took it up the ass.) Go Kiefer!!!! Jack Bauer rules!!!! Jack Bauer for President!!!!!

Moving right along...

It's been kind of a weird couple of days for the news.

Man severs and eats his own penis

What I can't believe is that he tried to eat it without any condiments or seasonings. Now THAT'S brave. What most people don't realize is that this is actually a heart-warming human interest story. This guy is obviously a few cards short of a full deck. He could have easily gone the Jeffrey Dahmer route but instead he chose to take his own penis. This restores my faith in humanity.

Men pay $10,000 to hunt naked women and shoot them with paintball guns

The owner of this company could privately do the public some good and provide his clientele list to the FBI so they could profile potential serial killers. Because who else would pay $10,000 to hunt naked women through the woods. Why shut the company down... it's a great way to find the Ted Bundys, Charles Mansons and Son of Sams of the new millenium. What I find most amusing are the feminists who are outraged by it. Those women don't have bullet-filled guns pointed to their heads they have paint-filled guns pointed at their asses. And at $1000 or $2500 for an hour's work, I'm not too inclined to feel sorry for them. In fact, I feel distinctly UN-sorry. You also have to take into consideration the socio-financial factor in all this. If the woman is willing to potentially get shot with a paintball gun in the ass 5 times a day, she'd make a minimum of $5000 for one day's work. How many random nasty strangers would the average Las Vegas hooker have to bang to make that much... 40? 50? Maybe she'd have to bang 30 guys and blow 40? After all that I would think evading a paintball gun naked would be a treat. Feminists need not be so dramatic. This isn't a "new low in degradation" -- I'm sure rape victims would agree there are worse ways to degrade a woman than to shoot her with a paintball gun. Oddly enough, what bothers me the most is the idea that the women are BAREFOOT and running through the forrest. That seems a little cruel and unusual don't you think?

Study shows that masturbation may lower prostrate cancer

My favorite quote is: "The more you flush the ducts out, the less there is to hang around and damage the cells that line them," Graham Giles, of the Cancer Council Victoria in Melbourne, told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday." FLUSH THE DUCTS OUT!! What a great term for jerking off. "Junior... what are you doing?!?!" "Flushing my ducts out Mom." I bet boyfriends and husbands all over the world are printing out that article and taping it to their fridge... with duct tape... HAHAHAHAHA.. sorry. I know, puns are the lowest form of humor. Okay I'm going to go now.