Return Of The King

Return Of The King

Okay it's been a week. That's enough time passed to assume that people have seen it right? If not... LOSER!!!!!!! Just kidding. I haven't forgotten that *I* was the one at the theatre for the 12:01 am showing on December 17th.
Some thoughts... it's been a week so I can't remember everything I was thinking:

1. I realize Peter Jackson was trying to stay true to the themes of the book (namely the friendship between the Fellowship, especially the Hobbits) but that movie had about 139 homosexual shared looks too many. I can't even remember anything about Frodo and Sam anymore, other than that they look at each other like how people at Jenny Craig look at pie. I think it's admirable when directors try to stay true to the book, but they should keep in mind that some things don't translate well onto the big screen. Like when "Hagrid gazes affectionately at Hermione" in the Harry Potter books, no one thinks twice about it. But when Robbie whats-his-face who plays Hagrid does it in the movies, he just looks like a big fat pie-eating child molester.

2. I read the trilogy so long ago it's as if everything was new, so I went back and scanned ROTK. It didn't have much dialogue for Legolas and Gimli, but the movie could have had more meaningful one-liners every so often. I know those 15-year-old-girls at the midnight showing didn't come to the movie because it was a cinematic masterpiece, or because they loved the book. They came so they could go home, put on some Enya and masturbate to thoughts of Orlando Bloom in tights. But some of us actually like his character for being such a loyal elfperson to the Fellowship, one who doesn't even think twice about risking his life and immortality a million times over, and manages to take down a few hundred orcs every battle. Okay yeah AND he's hot.

3. Yes, the book's final chapter ran through everyone's happily ever after stories. But the movie should have ended with Aragorn's coronation. The movie "ended" so many times the people in the theatre were groaning. It was such an anti-climactic end for such a great movie. Like we really needed to see Bilbo's wrinkled ass self again.

4. I know I thought Eowyn was a thoroughly useless slut in The Two Towers but she redeemed herself when she killed the head Ring Wraith. The movie should have done the whole see-Arwen-and-Aragorn-kiss-realize-they're-meant-to-be-hook-up-with-Faramir thing.

5. I really do think Lembas bread tastes like that hard bread they serve at Portuguese restaurants.

6. The thing with the ghost army was pretty awesome, but I don't like how they glossed over the end of that battle. It looked like the scene from The Mummy Returns when Anubis' army swarms through Scorpion King's enemies. Too fast and not enough gore. I would have liked to see some terrified Orcs dying horrible deaths. Of course, how does one die from a ghost blade? Just wondering. The battle scenes were really great though, as expected. And Legolas may not have said much throughout the entire movie but that elephant scene spoke for itself.

7. You know what scenes grossed me out? No, not the graphic battle scenes. No, not Rohan's king getting stabbed or random soldiers getting beheaded. What really grossed me out was when they would show the Hobbits' bare feet. That was so freaky!! They're like walking around on stones as "sharp as razors" without any fricken shoes on. How creepy is that. I don't care that Hobbits are supposed to have really tough feet. That was just gross.

8. I know they already cut a lot out of the movie that was in the book, but Psycho Dad just had too big of a part. Don't be afraid to try and burn your own son alive. And we think OUR families are dysfunctional if we don't eat dinner at the same time.

9. That celadon dress Arwen was rocking is HOT (for all you heterosexual men out there, celadon is a pale green color). I want that thing. Makes me wish I knew how to sew. Who am I kidding. Makes me wish I was rich so I could just hire someone to make it for me.

10. Peter Jackson did an amazing job on the entire trilogy. I'm going to piss off a lot of nerds who are currently making the most agonizing decision of their lives ("Which is the better trilogy, LOTR or Star Wars?") and say that LOTR is by far the best trilogy ever made. I don't think any other even compares. Of course, Star Wars shouldn't even be in the running because it's too old. To tell you the truth, I kind of laugh when I watch those movies now. Like the models of X-wing fighters "shooting" through the sound stage "galaxy" is really funny. If you look hard enough you can almost see the strings.

Speaking of which...

Top 5 Movie Sequels

1. Return of the King
2. The Two Towers
3. XMen 2
4. Die Harder
5. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

The last two are up for discussion because I have a feeling I'm missing some movies I like more but can't remember them. I was tempted to put Rocky 4 up on there but decided I had enough 80's movies listed.

So in conclusion, I give Return of the King two thumbs up, an A+, 5 stars and 4 snaps up in Z formation

Movie quote of the day: "Don't tell me HE'S the reason I'm not hittin' it anymore." HAHAHAHA oh man. Yes, I am officially no longer the Only Person In the Entire World Who Worked At A Brokerage and Never Saw Boiler Room.