5th Base

5th Base
I headed into the city yesterday for a doctor's appointment and was treated to lunch by my friend Pete. We went to some BBQ place he'd heard about, that turned out to have big prices but nicely-sized portions. It was packed too, but then I guess a lot of the restaurants around Times Square are at lunchtime. Naturally (considering who was at lunch) the conversation centered around food for awhile then turned to sex. Pete has a theory that anal sex doesn't count as sex. I'm not certain I agree. I asked him if he would bang a chic that was a "vaginal virgin" but who'd taken 4000 guys up the ass and he said no. Which to me puts a chink in the armor of the idea that anal sex isn't really sex.

I understand when people don't count oral sex as "real sex." I actually agree that Bill Clinton didn't have sex in the normal understanding of the word with Monica Lewinsky, if all she did was suck him off every other day. But in my perception, if kissing is first base and petting is second base and oral sex is third and a home run means you got up in there the normal way.. then FIFTH base is anal sex. Most women don't do it and if they do, they do it only with their husbands. Thus it is actually more sacred (for REALLY lack of a better word) than vaginal sex. And by sacred I mean the "dedicated or devoted exclusively to a single use" definition of the word, not the religious use. Which in this context of course would be beyond even my blasphemous tendencies.

But Pete stands by his theory. He also stands by his theory that a guy isn't a ho if he's slept with less than 50 people by the age of 30. I won't even touch that one. I will just call into question his contention that his "magic number" i.e. the number of people he has slept with is 10. I'll interpret that to mean "10, multiplied by some number less than 5." You know you have to give certain guys a 20 pussy curve. Because they don't count that time they slept with their girlfriend's sister. Or the times they forgot the girl's name. Or the times they were too drunk to remember where the interlude took place, only that it did. Or the times they were banging someone they weren't supposed to be banging, like married women, their girlfriend's friends, other men, or their relatives.

We agreed to disagree and all in all it was a good lunch. Oh and while we were walking through Times Square, I got to see The Naked Cowboy. He's like an older, cleaner, slightly paunchy version of Kid Rock. Well he's probably not paunchy, it's just that Kid Rock is anorexic from all the coke. The best part of the naked cowboy is his tighty whities, which have "Naked Cowboy" written on the ass in what looks like Magic Marker. Classy.