"This Has Never Happened To Me Before"

"This Has Never Happened To Me Before"

There was an article on Netscape the other day called "The Top Lies Men Tell In Bed" that I thought was pretty funny. Here are the lies, in no particular order and of course my take on them:

1. "This has never happened to me before."

Yes, yes it has. It has happened to you before but you think this needs to be said in order to do some damage control. The problem is... by saying this you are fixing something that really isn't that damaging to you and creating damage that is. What you think you are saying is that she shouldn't worry about your ability to perform. What she hears is "Every other woman I've ever slept with has been so attractive she made my dick hard simply by existing. You on the other hand, need to work at it and it may or may not succeed because I don't find you sexy enough." Good luck getting sex, much less a fourth date out of her. Just blame it on the liquor for God's sake. Or that you're a bit nervous because she's so hot.

2. "I don't watch porn."

Yes, yes you do. You may not watch it while at home with your girlfriend, eating chicken marsala at the dinner table but you watch it. And if you don't watch it it's because you can't get away with it or you buy into the feminist propaganda that it degrades women. Meaning you shouldn't be reading my blog anyway so get out of here you pansy ass. Anyway, this lie is actually a good one to tell if the woman you're dating is thick enough to believe that seeing an attractive, naked, woman engaging in sexual contortions does not turn you on. I however, would be wary of a guy that could watch Chasey Lain go down on some girl for 5 minutes and not get even the slightest bit aroused. You might have to pop in one of those special videotapes, the ones with all the naked guys in cowboy hats on the cover, just to check. Back to the women, if you know she's smart enough not to buy it however, just say you've watched it before but don't go out of your way to. And that if she wants you'll pick up a video for the both of you to watch and see if it doesn't arouse her... If it doesn't, RUN. She's scary and her issues will probably be scarier.

3. "I can't wear a condom; they're too tight."

Yes, yes you can. Only 6 percent of the male population actually needs condoms larger than standard. I don't understand men who don't want to wear condoms. What's wrong with you? This isn't the Middle Ages where everyone sat around in ignorance about STDs. Do you WANT syphilis? Do you WANT genital herpes? Do you WANT AIDS? Do you want something called "pustules" on your dick? Want it to burn when you pee? Want to die of some obscure disease because your immune system is weaker than a premature newborn's? Or how about this.... Do you want to knock some girl up who's so easy it only took a beer and a trip to a bathroom stall? I'm human too, I understand sometimes people slip up. But don't make a fucking practice out of it.

4. "Why would I masturbate when I have you?"

Umm, because my body is physically incapable of having sex 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It's not an on-call nurse. Personally I don't even understand why men need to lie about this. And it's a pretty big one because supposedly over 95 percent of men jerk off. But I doubt that if I were to ask 100 men on the street whether or not they jerk off, that 95 of them would say yes. Apparently this is one of those things where men lie and women know they're lying but want to believe it so they do. The reason women buy into it is kind of funny actually. They for some reason think if a guy masturbates it means she's not enough for him, never thinking that yeah.. maybe sex once a week or whenever you feel like it ISN'T enough for him. If I were a guy I'd say "Yes honey, I masturbate whenever I feel like having sex and you don't. So if you have a problem with that, you know what you can do. Your hand or any orifice will suffice." (Or as Geo added "Orifice OR crevasse.")

5. "Oh, I've never had a one-night stand."

Actually this might not be a lie since I do actually know some men that haven't ever banged and run. Not certain if this is just because of a lack of opportunity though. So probably if you ask a guy this question when he's 23, the answer will be different 3 years later. I can understand why men lie about this one. They don't want their women to think they're just after ONE thing. Or that they don't view "making love" (dammit, why can't I ever say or type that without giggling out loud) as the passionate, emotional, love-inspired celebration of monogamy that romance novels say it's supposed to be. So yeah guys, keep lying about this one. She doesn't need to know about the time you nailed that chic with one eye but big ass tits, in the back of your rental car, outside some bar in Nebraska, while on a business trip.

6. "Don't worry, we can just cuddle."

Yeah okay, that's happened before. This is a good lie to tell unless she's under the age of 18, at which point you're a nasty old man and deserve what you're going to get from your cellmate in jail. But if she's legal, then this is a great lie to tell because it gets you on the playing field. You might still lose but at least you got to play. I was telling my boy Kwame how I've been giving one of my guy friends (who shall remain nameless to protect his identity) tips on how to get this chic he digs into bed:

Kwame: So is it working?
Riss: It's looking good so far. Damn, if I were a guy I'd get so much ass. It'd be coming out of my ears and shit.
Kwame: Yeah you're smooth. It's kind of bad that you can play a woman into giving it up.
Riss: Hey I'm not one of those "loyalty to my whole gender" people. I'm loyal to actual people, to my friends. I'll tell my girls how to hook a guy and keep him and my guy friends how to get some. If a girl can be manipulated into having sex then she has no one to blame but herself.
Kwame: I hear ya.
Riss: I teach my girlfriends how to defend against their ploys though. I'm like a general.

We should end with one of my favorite Buffy The Vampire Slayer quotes because it seems apropos:

Harmony: You don't love me.
Spike: I love syphilis more than you.

Spike is the man. And I'm not just saying that because James Marsters is hot.