VHI's Hottest Hotties

VHI's Hottest Hotties
So we wake up and turn the TV on and Jenna Jamison is talking so of course we left it on. I mean how often do you see Jenna Jamison saying anything other than "Mmmfh aaaw yyhhh" which is "Oh yes" in Dick-In-Your-Mouth-speak. She's actually really funny. I'm impressed. Gorgeous, good-in-bed AND amusing. How often does that happen. Of course there is that whole "likes men but prefers women" thing but I assume most women who've slept with hundreds of men end up preferring women. We have less expectations in bed.

Anyway the show turned out to be VH1's 100 Hottest Hotties. We started watching late, somewhere in the forties I think. So I probably missed most of my favorites and had to yell "EEEW They RUINED it!!!!!!!!!!" a few times. Mainly when they showed where Tom Cruise, George Clooney and Justin Timberlake placed. They were all in the Top 20 which is flabbergasting to me. FLABBERGASTING.

Comedian Guy on TV: "Anna Kournikova goes to a tennis match and forgets her racket. Anna where's your racket? I forgot it. But I brought my ass and my fans. I'm Anna Kournikova!!"

Jennifer Garner came in at number 13. Don't these judges watch Alias? Jennifer Garner is pretty damn hot.
Comedian Guy on TV: "A woman could spank my ass. But she ain't kickin it."

Me: Anybody on this list who ain't white?
Geo: None that I've seen yet.
Me: That means at least two of the top 10 will be black.

Colin Farrell came in at number 12 and I have to say that after watching S.W.A.T. and seeing that body, I have to agree wholeheartedly with this one. In fact move him up.
Jenna Jameson: "He looks like he'd throw you down on the bed, pin your arms behind your head and fuck you into oblivion. I like that in a man"
Some chic I don't know: "There's no pressure to talk dirty during sex with someone like Colin, he'd be doing it for you."

You know Jennifer Lopez is mad she's at 11 and that they have it listed as "J. Lo's Ass."
Comedian Guy on TV: "It's this impressive, round, onion-like thing."

Geo: What's the big deal, didn't she make that ass.
Me: Like with her Easy Bake Oven?
Geo: With surgery.
Me: I don't think so... I mean she had a whole lot of it so isn't it just a matter of losing some and re-shaping?
Geo: How do they re-shape it without surgery?
Me: You're asking ME about working out?
Geo: Each buttcheek is one big muscle? How do you exercise so that parts of it are shaped a certain way?
Me: I don't know, I just thought she exercised a whole lot. Like if you do lunges doesn't it... Forget it. What the hell do I know about this exercise crap.

Viggo Mortensen came in at number 10 and gets a resounding "HELL YEAH!!!" from me.
Pamela Anderson was 9 and I have to say I disagree with this one. I mean she definitely deserves to be on this list, but her stock has plummeted a bit with the whole Kid Rock, Hep C, Boobs In, Boobs Out thing.

50 Cent made the Top 10?????? Are you fucking kidding me? I could have named about a hundred hot black guys that could have taken the token black guy top spot... Morris Chestnut, D'Angelo, Allan Houston, Taye Diggs, that detective from Law and Order who to me is the hottest black guy ever (besides my friend Kwame of course).

Halle Berry came it at number 7 and no dissent here. I'm not a huge fan of her acting skills but the lady is slammin.

Brad Pitt came in at number 6 and I definitely disagree with this one, even as I remember that the very first time I ever saw him I thought he was hot.
Jenna Jameson (I think said this): "I was in the theatre watching Thelma and Louise and when this cowboy came out, everyone went 'Huuuuuuuuuuuuuh.'"

Me: That's actually true.
Geo (nodding): It is.

I love men who are men enough to admit when another guy is attractive. I hate hearing "What do I know if he's cute or not, I'm not gay." Shut the fuck up, you have eyes don't you???

Speaking of which, MPip's guy "Johnny Depp has the most perfect facial structure" came in at number 5.

Some Chick on TV: "I don't think he bathes that often. Most women find that incredibly sexy."
Me: Well he's perfectly at home in France then huh.
Geo: I should move to France.

Britney came in at number 4 which I think is a bit much. But then again if you think about it, it's a surprise she's not number 1. Most men have a bit of statuatory rapist in them. I can't think of a single guy I know that wouldn't bang a hot 16-year-old in a Catholic School girl uniform if they thought they could get away with it.

Announcer: "Never has anyone made more men look up the statuatory rape laws in their state." HAHAHAHAHA.
Me: Britney wins Forever Hot points for that MTV performance when she took off her pinstripe suit and had on that glimmery skin-colored bodysuit underneath.

Ashton Kutcher came in at 3 and his name alone makes me gag. I think it's the Justin Timberlake phenomenon here. I am apparently the only woman on the planet that doesn't think Ashton Kutcher is attractive at all. He looks like he should be doing gay porn. And liking it. Come on, picture it. Ashton Kutcher on his hands and needs with Justin behind him plugging away. Then they could trade places.

And number two is... Angelina Jolie. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! HIGHWAY ROBBERY!!!!! I DEMAND A RECOUNT!!!!! What is she doing not in the number one spot?? I feel like the Democrats after the 2000 ballot recount.

Me: So who the hell is number one?
Geo: Watch it be someone who we're both like "EEEW!!!!!!!!!"
Me: Well who hasn't been done yet.... oh God.
Geo: What?
Me: Has Ben Affleck been done yet?
Geo: I haven't seen him yet.
Me: Me neither. And I would have thought he'd be in the top 30. But he's like a number 18. Not a number one. Eew what if it's Paris Hilton?
Geo: It's not Paris Hilton. I think it's Madonna.
Me: Oh God you're right. Ick. There should be some law.
Geo: Or Legolas, I haven't seen Legolas yet.
Me: Nahh, but he should be there. I have a feeling we'll be complaining.
Geo: Ha, it's Beyonce. I wouldn't have even thought of Beyonce.
Me: She's hot but I don't see her at number one. How the hell is Orlando Bloom not in the top 30?
Geo: Why don't you go on the net and see where he was?
Me: No then I'll get annoyed all over again.
Geo: At least it wasn't Paris Hilton.
Me: The silver lining!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beyonce is pretty damn hot, I just don't think she's hotter than Angelina Jolie. And yes, I had to go look the rest of the list up. Jessica Alba came in at a criminal and highly suspect number 46. My girl Catherine Zeta Jones who after popping out 2 kids still looks better than 99.9999999999% of the world's population came in at 50. And Orlando Bloom came it at 76 which to me cinches it, this list was rigged. Rigged I tell ya, RIGGED.

Kwame also brought up an interesting point. What the hell are the Olsen twins even doing on this list. They need more than a burger, maybe a burger chain. They collectively weigh less than a bulimic 12-year-old on speed. I think guys just have a thing for twins (stay away you perverts, I have firepower and ammo and I'm more than willing to use it on some ambitious child molester who served 2 out of 24 years because jails are fucking overcrowded.) Wait a sec, those Bud twins are hotter than the Olsens, where are they on the list? Oh right, the list is RIGGED!!!!!!!!