In The News

In The News

Some guy in Zambia committed suicide after his wife caught him having sex with a hen. My brain is screaming for answers. How does one have sex with a hen? Is the hole big enough? Is the passage long enough? How big is the average Zambian chicken? Doesn't it kill them? What makes a guy look at a hen and think "Damn, I'd like to hit that??" I guess he figured he'd rather take himself out than have to face the humiliation of people knowing that he could have been banging his wife, but instead he was ruining their chances of ever having an omelette for breakfast ever again.

I think this article about a guy who was charged $130,000 at strip joint is the funniest article ever. I mean I could kind of see the $28,000 one (well not really) but this one is beyond ludicrous. You almost HAVE to challenge the charge just on what few principles the guy must have. You figure it's illegal to have sex with a woman when she's intoxicated. It should be illegal to charge a guy for sexual acts when he's intoxicated. You know, to protect him from his own fiscal stupidity. And his wife's castrating wrath when she spies the bill in the garbage can.

Guys in Sweden caught unprepared by an easy chic at the bar will no longer have to send their soldiers in unprotected or give up their serendipity. They can just call the new government-supported Condom Delivery Service and a white van with a winged condom on the front will drop some off at your house. I wonder how they calculate tip. 10 condoms = 10 percent? I wish they had a picture of the van. That is the best. I'd call every night just to see the van. And make my neighbors think me and Geo were a couple of freaks.

So people who attend church religiously vote for conservatives while people who don't tend to vote for liberals. Um, DUH. Why don't they write an article with actual news like "Sky is blue" or "Grass is green."

Al Sharpton is going to be a commentator on CNBC. That's great. Just what he needed, more publicity and a nationally-televised platform for all his bullshit. I don't feel the politically correct need to pretend he doesn't bug the shit out of me, just because I'm not black. If anything he would bug me more if I were black. If I saw some Asian guy on TV all the time spouting the shit Sharpton says sometimes I would vomit on it. Who am I kidding though, there probably are Asian guys like that, it's just that you don't see them because let's face it no one really cares what's going on with Asian people in this country. We're like the non-race. Everyone always talks about Black and White and Brown and I'm sitting here like "Um, dumb asses... you know not EVERYONE in this fucking country is Black, White or Hispanic. I mean you might think so from watching telvision, but in reality there are other races."

Why didn't they have classes like these Buffy Studies when I was in college? I had to take shit like "Anthropology" and "Econometrics" and "Business Law" and "Political Change In The Third World." These professors who speak actually incorporate the show into their classes. I didn't get to write papers like "Buffy and the new American Buddhism." Although I did watch a porno once in class during "Human Sexuality" (which I had to take for a credit) and listen to Run DMC during "American Pop" (an excruciating class which glossed over hip-hop and R&B and focused on something called "rockabilly" that I also had to take for a credit.)

So everyone has been trying to guess who Rance is of Rance's Blog. When I first read him I got the impression that it was Luke or Owen Wilson. I think it's because of his wry, intelligent humor which I don't think much of Hollywood possesses. The idea that it was George Clooney made me snicker. Haven't you ever heard him speak. Ben Affleck I could see since he's a good writer, but I doubt it's him. He's too caught up in the Jennifer Lopez fiasco to be inspired to do anything more productive than nail groupies and gamble. I vote for one of the Wilsons. They did write The Royal Tennenbaums so you know they're capable.

And that's the news. As usual, I've avoided anything truly important. Because who cares that George Tenet resigned and that Bush is spinning it as "He should leave because of the CIA's intelligence failures" and Kerry is spinning it as "He should leave because he is a symbol of the administration's ineptitude." I find it annoying that with the millions of people who live in this great country, we can't find two smart, efficient, trustworthy AND likeable people to run for President. Hell I'd settle for trustworthy.