More Interviews That Would Be Amusing To See On TV

More Interviews That Would Be Amusing To See On TV

Reporter: You just barely squeaked by Greece. What is the problem with Team USA?
Tim Duncan: The problem is that no one on this team full of uneducated scrubs has any idea that the game of basketball involves passing, making free throws and this thing I like to refer to as "defense."
Reporter: Oh yes, "defense."
Tim Duncan: And maybe, just maybe, if they stopped smoking pot while teabagging random Greek bitches long enough, they might just have the energy to hustle after the ball once in awhile.
Reporter: I see.
Tim Duncan: I can't be talking smack though. At least they're here. Look at punks like that Ray Allen, worried about "security" or "the danger" or some other such nonsense. I'll tell you what's dangerous...
Reporter: What's dangerous?
Tim Duncan: If he makes another movie like that piece of shit He Got Game, my foot will make it dangerous for his bony little ass. And don't get me started on Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter saying they couldn't come because they were getting married. My ass. If your fiancee doesn't mind all the sluts you bang on the road, she shouldn't mind you representing your country at the Olympics.
Reporter: Um... so. If you guys don't medal, what will you do?
Tim Duncan: DUH. Fly home.
Reporter: Well I mean, it'll hurt right? You guys may be the first USA men's basketball team in 24 years not to take home the medal.
Tim Duncan: That's okay, I'll just go home to my blond girlfriend that looks old enough to be my mom. She always makes me feel nice. Sometimes, she makes me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off, and I--
Reporter: And that's it from Athens. Back to you Jim.

Reporter: How does it feel to finally win an Olympic medal in the women's all-around competition?
Svetlana Khorkina: It feel very good. I am Queen of Gymnastics after all.
Reporter: But Carly Patterson won the gold.
Svetlana Khorkina: Who?
Reporter: Carly Patterson, the American gymnast you competed against.
Svetlana Khorkina: Oh herrrr. She is just leetle girl. I am woman.
Reporter: Um...
Svetlana Khorkina: I have breasts, would you like to see my breasts?
Reporter: Uh no, that's okay.
Svetlana Khorkina: Silver is much better color for me. Matches my beautiful eyes.

Reporter: How does it feel to think you captured the bronze medal, only to find out half an hour later that you didn't?
James Goddard: It feels like some chap shoved a bloody brick up my bum, then pulled it out through my bloody mouth. How the fuck do you think it feels?

Reporter: Coach Reese, is it true what Gary Hall says, that you're buckling under pressure from USA Swim to put Phelps on the next relay team instead of him?
Coach Reese: No it's not true.
Reporter: Then why was he left off?
Coach Reese: I left him off because he's 30 fricken years old for God's sake. Yeah he's a good swimmer. But come on, there are swimmers on the team whose parents are younger than him.
Reporter: He's been very vocal about his disapproval.
Coach Reese: Not to my face. Not unless he's looking to ride the next bitchslap back to America.