Three Nights With Mike and Aud

Three Nights Ago
See the Harry Potter conversation below.

Two Nights Ago
Me: How much is your price tag?
Aud: What do you mean?
Me: You know, the minimum dollar amount someone would have to pay to bang you.
Aud: ANYONE??
Me: Anyone assuming he's disease-free, not grotesque and not going to knock you up.
Aud: I have no clue.
Me: What about you Mike?
Mike: What, to do his ass or for him to do mine?
Me: Both.
Mike: Hmmm... I guess to do him, a million?
Aud: What if he was ultra nasty and smelly etc.
Me: I guess no less than 5 million.
Mike: Okay my butt is open for 5 million tax free.
Me: What about $4,999,999
Mike: Fine I'll take the loss on the extra dollar if he does a reacharound.
Aud: How about if it was a really hot chick, like the hottest chick in the world, but the guy was nasty?
Me: Yeah how much to bang her while you're getting drilled in the ass?
Mike: Ten bucks.
Both of us: TEN BUCKS?!?!?!
Mike: She'll be in the front, what do I care what's going on back there.

Later on that night
Me: I just read that book True Love by Robert Fulghum and there are a lot of stories in there about bizarre connections with strangers, that never went anywhere. Ever had anything like that?
Aud: Yeah. There was a cute guy once who winked at me while at a light in Yonkers. So many people have done similar things but for some reason, this one I always remember.
Me: When I was 13 my family and I took one of those whirlwind 3-week tours of Europe. We were eating in this little Italian bistro near the Thames once and as we left, this hot Italian waiter winked at me and said "Ciao bella." He probably did that like 40 times a day but I still remember it.
Aud: What about you Mike?
Mike: In college there was this really beautiful exchange student who used to work at the bookstore. Every day I'd see her and want to ask her out but wouldn't. Finally one day I got up the nerve to do it. She said thanks, but that she was already involved in another relationship. I said, "I wish you luck in that endeavor." Then turned around and left.
Both of us: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "I wish you luck in that endeavor."

Yesterday
*ring*
Mike: Hello?
Me: Hey what are you doing tonight, it's a national holiday.
Mike: It is? What holiday is that?
Me: It's "National Take Your Friends Who Are Poor To Dinner Day."
Mike: Really.
Me: Really. Go check your calendar.
Mike: And what day is it exactly?
Me (whispering to Aud): What day is it?
Aud: No clue.
Me: Um the holiday falls on every fourth Thursday in August.
Aud: Every fourth Thursday of every other month actually.

Last Night At The Cheesecake Factory
Aud: How long is the wait?
Me: Twenty-five minutes.
Aud: That's not bad.
Mike: Dude there's a rat in the outdoor patio.
Me: Where?
Mike: There, by those chicks.
Aud: Oh my God should we say something.
*squeals and people running*
Me: I think they already know. I'll go change our table to an indoor one.

Last Night On The Road
Mike: Hey you know what I'd do with the money from getting banged in the ass?
Us: What?
Mike: Get Love Lies Bleeding back together.
Me: OR you could throw a party and offer them like 10 grand to perform.
Mike: I guess that would be cheaper.
Me: Than actually financing them? Yeah.

Last Night At The Bike Club
Me: Okay every person in here is looking at us like we're the snootiest chics in here.
Aud: Yeah.
Me: Oh well, I'm married. I'm not trying to slut up to some fireman. But you're single, rock on.
Aud: Um, no.
Me: Okay Molestor Guy needs to get out of my personal space.
Aud: You moved. Dammit, now he's by me.
Me: Hey look... I never saw a black chic in a Dickies shirt before.
Aud: Go tell her.
Me: What, that I never saw a black chic in a Dickies shirt before?
Aud: No, that she's black.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA and you wonder why people here think we're the snootiest people ever.
Mike (laughing): Okay I was just in the bathroom and this guy standing at the urinal goes "OH MY GOD!!!" And his friend goes, "What?" And he says "Oh my God, I've got this really huge dick in my hand!!"
All:: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Mike: Hey check out Ox's ex. The one who got a boob job AFTER they broke up so he got robbed.
Me: Mike you need to send out an All-White People Alert.
Mike: Saying what?
Me: Saying that you do NOT freak to hip-hip hop. Why do your people always do that. Reggae is fine. R&B even, fine. But why is that chick getting down on her knees, grinding up on that old guy, to 50 Cent?
Aud: Seriously. And tell them that if they can't freak, not to bother trying.
Mike: These are not my people. I'm Jewish. I'm playing the Jew card.
Me: Oh no you're not. You can't play that card whenever you feel like it. You only get so many of them and you already used your last one the last time we were out.
Mike: But I'm Jewish.
Aud: To us, you're all white.
Riss: Kinda pink actually.
Mike: So when do I get new cards?
Me: Not for awhile.
Mike (resigned): Fine. These are my people.

The Bike Club's clientele is normally predominantly white, mostly the firemen and cops of the surrounding areas. Last night for some reason, it was mixed. Aud and I went to check out the dance area and saw just about the funniest thing we've ever seen in our lives. The urinal guy (Mike pointed him out) was sitting on a chair. This guy's like a big fat black guy, but not like that sitting-on-the-couch-eating-bonbons fat it was more like athletic fat. Like a football player or something. In his lap was a 60-year-old white woman, giving him a lap dance. As she was bent over, she was holding onto the belt buckle of some tall skinny black guy in his early twenties and he was grinding his crotch into her face. All to the beat of the music. I couldn't stop laughing. I turned to Aud and said "Please God let this never end, please God let this never end."

But all good things come to and end so we headed back towards Mike. I asked Mike and Ox if they wanted to do a Dr. Pepper for old times' sake (a shot of amaretto dropped into a glass of beer which is then downed.) They agree and the bartender serves them up. Ox does his shot first then sips his beer. Mike does it the right way, but can't chug it all down so he drinks it like it's a pina colada. I chug mine of course because anything else is sacrilege. Afterwards I looked at them and was like "you two are a disgrace to firemen everywhere." Mike said he hadn't done a Dr. Pepper in awhile, but I know he's done them since the last time I did one five years ago so that excuse doesn't fly Mike.