Catching Up

Catching Up

So I've been lagging recently because my sister was in town from L.A. and I didn't want to be Bad Sister Person. I'm kind of having writer's block. So I'll just do what I normally do in these situations and list my thoughts:

1. My sister Leah rocks. She lives on that fine line between genius and insanity. Built a house there even. It has a pool and sometimes she pees in it. In the kitchen she bakes brownies laced with weed and tries to give them to my Dad who is too smart to fall for her ploys.

2. That chair umpire in Serena Williams' match versus Jennifer Capriati was just a big fat cunt. I don't normally buy into the whole Williams family conspiracy theories (held only by them really) but that game gave them some credibility. Have to give Serena some credit, she handled it decently. If that had been me they would have had to T me up and eject me from the game. Just imagine "Are you fucking kidding me you fucking whorebag" being screamed on center court. Okay not really, but I'd be veeeeeeeery tempted. "Get off that chair and sit on THIS you fucking dillhole!!!!!!"

3. Speaking of dillholes, Stephon Marbury is a dillhole. Yesterday they interviewed him at the U.S. Open and he said winning the bronze is better than winning the silver because you have to work for it. Yeah, all those silver medalists just got their medals handed to them. They didn't have to win any games or anything. Then again it's not like Marbury is going to be winning any Academic Decathalons anytime soon. I remember some cop told me once that he pulled him over because his entire car had illegal tint and he wanted to let him know as a courtesy to change it. He was just going to let Marbury go but Marbury started talking mad smack ("Don't you know who I am????") And then busted out his cell phone to call his agent, glossing over the cop completely. The cop kept telling him he wasn't ticketing him, just letting him know that it needed to be changed. But Marbury wouldn't listen so finally out of frsutration the cop just ticketed him. Idiot. That's not even my favorite Stephon Marbury story though. My favorite Stephon Marbury story happened at the 99 WNBA All-Star Game. He brought his daughter to watch the game, and while he was walking out to the rotunda some woman started screaming "Vince!!!! Oh my God Vince!! I love you Vince!!!!!! You're the best Vince!!!!" And he said "Um, I'm not Vince Carter." And she said "Oh? Who the fuck are you then?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh man excuse me, have to wipe the tears of joy off my keyboard. Hopefully Stephon will keep his mouth shut and pass the ball next season and I won't have to hate on him anymore.

4. There really is no better way to celebrate any occasion than with the burning of meat and the drinking of distilled liquor. I plan on throwing another barbeque when my sister comes back for a visit in February. We can all stand around in the snow and burn meat. Doesn't that sound like fun? We won't even have to buy ice for the cooler, we'll just stick our drinks in little piles of snow. Just have to make sure the snow isn't yellow that's all.

5. I used to be a belligerent drunk but now I am a snotty drunk. Or maybe I am still a belligerent drunk who is snotty when she is only buzzed. That might just be it. Or maybe I am neither a belligerent nor snotty drunk, but am snotty and belligerent to guys who walk up to me and sleazily use lame lines on me. I really pissed off some guy at Brother Jimmy's the other night. Mike, Aud, Leah and I went there on Sunday night to have a few drinks in honor of Leah's impending return home.

Some Guy: You're far too beautiful to be standing out here by yourself.
Me: You're not really trying to use that line on me are you?
Some Guy: Uhh... uhhh... well.. uh, it's true.
Me: I didn't come out here to stand by myself, I came out to use the phone.
Some Guy: Who are you calling?
Me: My husband.
Same Guy (10 minutes later) to some girl: You're far too beautiful to be standing out here by yourself.
Me: Dude, did you just use the exact same line?? I'm still in hearing distance you know. At least use a different one.

Yeah, I blew up his spot. Normally I wouldn't have but I couldn't resist after he busted out the same line. That wasn't even a lack of creativity that was just plain laziness.

6. Hi Lani!!!!!!!!! Are you okay? Did the hurricane hit you guys too hard?? Florida is like a third world country. Florida has natural phenomenons that make the rest of the country go "Huh?? What did you say was happening there?" Move back up here.

7. Speaking of third world countries, I look like I just visited one. Every 3 or so square inches of space on my arms and legs are covered with mosquito bites. Bastards. I really hate mosquitos. Geo says if I don't scratch them they won't itch but I am an inherently weak person when it comes to the easy vices like smoking and liquor and scratching your mosquito bites as hard as you can.

8. Special reminder to Ben Lee: You promised me every Justice League episode on DVD. PROMISED!!! Don't you know I'm at home all day long and this would go far to alleviate my afternoon lethargy? I need my Justice League like crackheads need hits from the pipe. I need to be in the know. I watched the episode Star-Crossed the other day and had no idea what was going on. When did it become so porny? Green Lantern is banging Hawk Girl, Wonder Woman is making out with Batman... I want to know if Hawk Girl uses her mask in bed. Because that's kind of kinky. Or if Green Lantern uses his ring ray to hit her G-spot. Or if she even has a G-spot being that she's an alien cartoon so her physiology is different from that of a human cartoon.