Can I Help You With Some Dick

"Can I Help You With Some Dick?"

Aud seems to be laboring under the impression that her ex-boyfriend's firemen buddies are being nice to her because "they're really nice guys." That they buy her drinks and let her stay at their houses because they're just really nice guys. That her friend's cousin's friend's sister's husband is text messaging her things like "Thinking of you" and "mwah" (as in a kiss) because he is a nice guy who wants more friends. Am I just overly cynical because I am not buying this at all? If Geo started text messaging random girls HE BARELY KNEW shit like "Thinking of you" and "mwah" and "I miss you" and trying to hang out with them on Friday nights while I stay home and babysit, he'd be looking at a serious fucking ass whooping. The kind that gets a guy's testicles embedded in his liver.

It's not that I don't think that single guys and single girls can be platonic friends. It's that I don't think that single guys and ATTRACTIVE single girls can be platonic friends, without the issue of sex ever influencing anything. I'm sure a guy would have no problem being friends with a girl, as long as he didn't find her attractive at all. I'm not talking "She's okay looking" not attractive at all. I'm talking "There is nothing this chick could ever do that would make my dick rise in anticipation of fucking her" not attractive at all. And they sure as hell wouldn't be buying her drinks or offering to let her stay at their house while they're at work if she was. Mike J doesn't even let the random chics he's banging stay at his house unsupervised. Aud admits that the guys in question "probably wouldn't kick (her) out of bed" but still maintains that they don't have an actual agenda in mind. If they wouldn't kick her out of bed then there's some level of attraction on their part, so I'm not inclined to believe that they have no ulterior motive at all.

The ulterior motive doesn't have to be an active campaign to get some random girl into bed. It could be laying the foundation with some kindness so that later on down the road, you might be able to get in there. I'm just leery of men you don't know very well who are really nice to you. It'd be different if Aud and her ex went out for like 5 years, but they only went out for five months. That's not really enough time to form long-lasting, meaningful friendships that endure for years and years. I mean come on, these are red-blooded men in a red-blooded occupation. You're telling me that the thought that their friend's ex might be rebounding right now and could potentially be offering up "vulnerability sex" in the future hasn't crossed their minds? Please. If it crossed my mind then it's crossed theirs. And contrary to some belief, I don't actually have a penis.

I'm not trying to imply that men are ruled by their dicks, so I'll just go ahead and outright say that men are ruled by their dicks. Okay MOST men are ruled by their dicks. Some are not. Mike J actually made the very intelligent move of not banging some chick that was pretty damn hot, because he knew that she had psychotic tendencies and would probably get all Swimfan on him if he did her. I was pretty impressed by that. Most single guys I know would have jizzed on the 34Cs and asked questions later.

When Geo and I first started hanging out, he thought I was hot but wasn't about to try anything because I was married to someone else at the time. So we were literally just platonic friends for quite awhile. We'd watch movies and get drunk at 3 in the afternoon, because we were both unemployed. Sometimes he'd go home after hanging out with me and bang some random girls, and then the next day we'd joke about it. I'd feel no pain because I wasn't even looking at him in that way and even though it occured to him that it was weird to discuss his sexual liaisons with me, it didn't matter because we were just friends. To date I am the only person who knows every person he's slept with, because we got drunk one day and made lists. He thought it was hysterical at the time because he'd always lied to everyone and said he didn't sleep with someone (when he did) but here he was making me a list, which could also have been referred to as "Evidence." Fast forward four years and we're married with two kids.

So the moral of the story is that men and women can't be platonic friends unless:

A) One of them is in love with someone else (or was in love with someone else when they met so the guy ended up in the Friend Zone for several years).
B) One of them is gay.
C) One of them is gay and in love with someone else.
D) The chick is ugly (or he's not attracted to her. I have a few guy friends who are hot but I've never been attracted to them.)