OCD-ing, Threesomes, The Food Rights of Salvage and Other Crap
1. Apparently I am an 8-year-old. Because last night at Target, I wanted to meander around the store for as long as possible. Mike J was hungry but I couldn't bear (no pun intended) to leave because I had the cutest Funshine Bear Care Bear (I mean hello, it was the medium size which is PERFECT) in my cart. Sometimes the Riss and Aud practice of tossing things into the cart that you want but know you can't buy backfires and you get bummed out. So he had to BRIBE me out the door.
Me: You're going to have to rip this thing from my cold, dead fingers.
Mike: I'm so hungry I'll just buy you the damn thing so we can get out of here.
2. I was on the phone with one of my friends on Sunday, and he told me that he got offered another threesome. This guy gets offered threesomes like it's nobody's business. I guess there are an inordinate amount of people in central Jersey sitting around saying "You know who would make a nice addition to our sex life" the way most people ask "You what would look good on our mantel?"
Me: So I read in Penthouse Letters that married couples get the itch after 7 or 10 years of marriage, so they do a threesome.
Geo: Really.
Me: Yeah. But I don't want to be banging some strange guy. So I guess it'd have to be some peripheral-type person, because I'm not trying to blow some guy in front of you then have him over for Sunday dinner.
Geo: So not a friend but like an acquaintance or something?
Me: You got it. No wait, it'd have to be a friend, because we don't want him to tell everyone our business. But I still don't want him over for Sunday dinner so maybe a friend that doesn't know anyone else we know and lives in another city, like Houston or Chicago or something. We got any friends like that?
Geo: I don't think so.
Me: Damn. We're not prepared.
Geo: You mean I gotta go travel to some other state and make new friends so this can happen in seven years?
Me: Pretty much.
Geo: That's just too much. I gotta travel all over the place THEN watch you and some guy?
Me: Or we could bang a girl. They wouldn't tell anyone.
Geo: I can't believe I didn't even think of that.
At least Geo didn't respond with the same quote as one of my friend's husbands, who shall remain nameless just in case his wife forgot he jokingly said it in front of her.. "Now why would I want to ruin a perfectly good threesome by inviting my wife?"
3. I love how my friends are helping me feed my OCD-frenzy (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder That Pushes One To Own As Much Unnecessary Crap As Possible.) I got Mike bringing me a Justice League NASCAR rig, Girlie buying me Justice League Matchbox cars and checking out Care Bears at Walmart and Aud picking up Fisher-Price "Little People" sets. By the way, I think it's hysterical that they're called "Little People" toys as if I'm playing with midgets. In Fisher-Price's defense though, they've had the copyright on that term for a lot longer than it's been the politically correct term for midgets. Plus I think the term "Little Person" for a midget is so degrading. It's like they're children instead of adults. Okay I totally dig on the Christmas on Main Street set, but apparently they also have a Little People manger set and a Little People Hannukah set. I could be playing with Jewish midgets.
4. This could be totally taken out of context and all but I am obsessed with the PERFECT size. No, not in an anatomical sense. In a material sense. When I purchase something, I go insane if I see the exact same thing in a better size. Like if I was at the store and saw a 10 oz tube of shea butter and 2 oz tube of shea butter and bought the 10 oz one, I would go nuts if I saw the 5 oz one and totally want it. Even though I have 10 extra ounces of shea butter already at home. I probably wouldn't pick up the smaller tube anymore, but it would still grate a little. That's part of the reason why I got obsessed with Funshine Bear at Target. He was the medium size, like 19 inches or something. As opposed to the teeny 11 inch size or the much larger 26-inch and 36-inch sizes. Okay I can't talk about this anymore without feeling a bit pervy.
5. Can Knicks fans just lay off my boy Allan please? He's hurt for God's sake. Yes, I realize I'm totally biased and normally I'd be one of the ones saying "Walk it off for God's sake" but I reserve the right to be biased towards one of the few high-end NBA players who actually seems to be a decent person.
6. 3-0 and they're going to Game 7? If they were playing any other team in the league I'd say the Yankees deserve to lose the series. But not when they're playing Boston. A team of car thieves could be playing against Boston and I'd root for them. Not really. Car thieves are minions of Satan and should all go straight to hell.
7. Next time I see Aud I'm going to take a page out of Steve's book and throw hot-coffee-that-is-really-just-lukewarm-
because-it's-been-in-the-pot-all-day-and-isn't-really-much-of-a-threat-if-you-think-about-it at her. Because she keeps making me look at shit that I don't want to look at, by feeding my curiousity until I give in. The other night, an ad popped up for genital warts medication of all things. I told her not to open it because it had popped up before and I made the mistake of clicking on it. In my defense, they only put the name of the medication on the pop-up so I was just trying to figure out what the medication was for, when all of a sudden BAM! Advanced cases of genital warts all over my damn screen. It was like the Little Shop of Pornographic Horrors. So I x-ed out of the screen with a quickness and tried to put it out of my mind. Until a month later when the same pop-up appears as if by magic and Aud gets curious. I told her what she was going to be seeing but still she kept going and then proceeds to freak out for a solid 20 minutes. The other instance of this phenomenon occurred tonight. While on the phone, she told me about some dolls called "Living Dead Dolls" that our friend collects obsessively. Naturally after hearing her say they were the most awful thing ever I had to do a Google search. Four horrified seconds later, I had to agree they were the worst dolls in the history of dollmaking. I don't understand how someone could OCD these things. It's like OCD-ing pictures of extreme cases of various STDs. Who does that.
8. Aud believes that any food she houses in my fridge is hers forever, regardless of whether or not she is actually in my house. I however, subscribe to the Rights of Salvage school of thought. Once she leaves my house to go home, or off to gallivant around Yonkers of all places, if she's not back in 24 hours then she forfeits all ownership rights to perishable and edible items. The cheesecake or little coconut ice cream things are like some random ship that sunk in the middle of the Indian Ocean hundreds of years ago. The crew that finds it retains ownership rights, not whatever shipping company sent it out on its expedition. I found the cheesecake in my fridge, it would go bad if left to its own devices, ergo it's mine. Now granted, in her words, I am a "food whore junkie." No one is denying that. But if I eat half your dessert that you ordered, that's MY bad. If you leave Trader Joe's Key Lime Cheesecake in MY fridge and don't return for a week and it's been consumed, digested and flushed, that's YOUR bad.
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