Weekend Roundup

Weekend Roundup

On Saturday, Geo and I headed down to Cherry Hill to attend our super ultra cute nephew Keiran's first birthday party. Manny, Janelle (Geo<'s cousin and his wife) and their family put on quite a spread. I am such a huge fan of Filipino family gatherings. There's always such an astronomical quantity of food. And the diversity of the offerings is wonderful... pizza, chicken wings, baked ziti, pastries, appetizers, large quantities of varied Filipino dishes and desserts, fried chicken... the list goes on. Okay sorry, I spent a little too much time there discussing the food. But you know me. Speaking of which, my one sad food moment came when this guy Kevin molested my casava cake and tried to go after my bibingka. No those are not euphemisms for anything. They're Filipino desserts. He literally tried to pull an American Pie on my food. Shameless.

Geo watched the girls inside because he knows after being cooped up in the house all week, I like to be social on the weekends. Meanwhile after being on the road and working all week, he just wants to veg out in front of the TV all day. It works out. So I wandered around outside and CONVERSED (I did not "conversate") with the people there. Key moments:

1. I was telling the guys that if they picked up multiple wives, they had to implement a hierarchy the way sultans did back in the day to avoid feuding and power plays between the women. The First Wife rules the Second, who rules the Third, and so forth. And all the wives rule the concubines, who have a hierarchy implemented amongst them as well. Jamie jokingly tried to get his wife Olivia to consider the idea by saying she would be the Queen Wife and get to rule all the other wives. Seriously, I might consider letting Geo pick up a second wife if she had to do all the cooking and cleaning. That would rock. You have to make sacrifices to make a marriage work. Letting the Second bang your (her) husband a couple times a week, in exchange for 3 meals a day, snacks and ALL cleaning responsibilities seems like a worthwhile trade-off. Especially if she was a gourmet chef. At first you'd be jealous and all, but after a week of creme brulee, filet mignon, cream of fennel soup, grilled salmon in miso sauce and crab crepes you'll be offering to apply the lubricant for them. "Want me to tie your hair back?" "Do you need some water?" "Want me to put some porn on for you guys to set the mood?"

2. Aurora's son Nicholas walked up to Mike C and said "Look, I found a mouse." But when Mike C looked at what Nicholas was dangling over his shoulder, it was actually a daddy long legs. He straight out yelled "Oh shit, that's not a mouse!!!!" while he leapt out of his chair. Later on, Jamie took his cue from that and said "Oh look, what's this on the floor" and pushed it into Jay's face. By the time Jay realized that the squirming, horrifically large bug in Jamie's hands was made of plastic, he was halfway into the seat next to him. I was the only one who caught that show, but it was so worth it.

3. Ryan aka Ogs wants me to throw a shout-out to the PAP... "Poking Ass Posse." No he's not gay. He's just likes to push things into guys' butts. There's a difference you know. Okay okay, he's not gay. He and his friends are just crazy. If you're around them and you're not wearing pants made of denim or canvas or chain mail, SIT DOWN. Although what they do is not a poking motion as much as it is an upward, swiping motion, but I won't split hairs over that here.

4. For some guy's bachelor party in Atlantic City next month, the celebrants tossed in extra money to hire a midget stripper. Sorry, a "Little Person" stripper. They invited me and Janelle to come watch and you know what, we are. It's one thing to watch a midget getting banged on a tricycle, on some grainy poor-quality mpeg you downloaded off Kazaa. It's another thing to watch it in real life. How many times in your life are you invited to something like this?

The funny stuff that happens at family gatherings in Cherry Hill usually occur at night, when Geo's cousin Aris' friends drop by to play cards and drink. Most of them can hold their liquor but some get drunk really fast. Like three beers fast. Like cheerleader on prom night fast. I told one of Aris' friends who was supposed to be playing cards with us (but kept coming in and out of the game) to either stop playing or get off the phone and he threw a hissy fit. "Don't tell me to get off the phone!! My girl will come here and kick your ass!!!" I had to straight up laugh. "Yeah okay. You tell your 16-year-old girlfriend to come here and kick my ass." I'm finding it hard to be afraid of some teenaged white girl without an uzi. I'm more afraid of static cling. Who wants to be walking around Manhattan with an orange sock stuck to your ass. It made me kind of sad though. I felt old. Remember when you were 16 and thought you were Superman and could give the whole world an ass-whipping if you wanted to? That was 12 years ago for me. TWELVE.

I have to go off on a tangent a bit and take advantage of a perfect segue that has nothing to do with my weekend. Aud and I were just talking about this last week. Why are kids from rich neighborhoods so enamored with the ghetto lifestyle? What is so great about it? It makes me almost laugh to think these kids' parents or grandparents worked so hard to get them OUT of the ghetto, and now they're running around wishing they were back in it. I don't understand this. Is there something really great about the ghetto that I've missed completely? Is there some magic door I can't see, that leads to a luxurious land where everyone eats pastries and gets rubbed down with oil by hot-looking virgins? And more importantly, do any of these kids want to trade houses with me? I would love to be able to afford a house in some middle-class, low-crime suburb, as opposed to looking out the window and watching the parade of crackheads walk by.

On Sunday morning, I was having a dream that Tony kept making me check out some girl on a website. The choices pop up on a new screen and you click on breast-shaped sea shells to get to the section you want. He made me click and look like 10 times over and over, I was just locked into this cycle. I was just clicking on the middle breast-shaped sea shell when thank God, Paul called in real life and woke me up. The dream started off weird too. I was reading a comic book about some guy riding a tricycle, when all of a sudden he was hooked up to a machine and sweating quarters. Yeah I know. There's a fine line between genius and insanity.