Target, P.F. Chang's and A Bet

Target, P.F. Chang's and A Bet

Mike J and I hit up Target on Saturday, because he needed a comforter and I wanted to pick up some Halloween scrapbooking stuff on clearance. Yes, I scrapbook. You got a fucking problem with that? No? Okay. Mike was a good sport this time about me wandering around and picking up random stuff I didn't need, like Pepperidge Farm Entertaining Cookies, and saying "Oh wow, I want these. I've never been entertained by cookies before." He also managed to save himself 13 dollars.

Last time we were at Target, it cost him 20 bucks to bribe me out of there with the perfectly-sized Care Bear. This time it only cost him two Care Bear costumes for my daughters, at $3.50 a pop. He had to bribe me out because I of course, wanted to further explore the wonder that is Target Greatland. He on the other hand, wanted to explore P.F. Chang's menu and pick up some Chinese food. P.F. Chang's is a trendy restaurant in Edgewater, so it's pretty much Yuppie Central. Think of it as a Panda Express with a bar and upscale decor. Well, except for the fact that P.F. Chang's Chinese food costs about 600 percent more and isn't actually cooked by Chinese people. But hey, it was a free meal and the salt and pepper calamari was good.

Oh yes, and there was betting.

Me: Oh my God, that guy over there is wearing one of those button-down shirts where the front is a vest but the back is just a shirt.
Mike J (because Jewish people are always looking for their kind): I think he's Jewish.
Me: His shirt is really annoying me right now.
Mike J: I'll give you 20 dollars to go over there and tell him that.
Me: Nahh.
Mike J: Why not?
Me: He looks like it would really make him sad.
Mike J: Is that his date or his mom?
Me: Well she looks old enough to be his mom, but they're sitting on the same side of the booth. So it's probably his date.
Mike J: It really looks like his mom.
Me: Do YOU sit with YOUR mom like that?
Mike J: I'll give you 40 bucks to go over there and ask him if she's his mom.
Me: Oh my God, I can't.
Mike J: 60 bucks.
Me: I CAN'T!!!!!!
Mike J: Why not?
Me: Because I can't be that mean. Then I'd really go to hell.
Mike J: Like you're not already.
Me: No, I'm not. I was, but I brought two bundles of goodness into the world. So now I'm headed for purgatory at least. Unless I go over and ask that couple if she's his mom.
Mike J: 60 bucks...
Me: No.

(10 minutes later...)

Mike J: Alright then, I'll give you 60 bucks to go sit across the booth from them, then go eat a piece of meat off his plate.
Me: Just go there and eat it?
Mike J: Yeah. Sit down, reach over and take a piece of meat off his plate, put it in your mouth and chew very, very slowly. You can't say a word until after you're done chewing.
Me: Fuck. I'm really going to agonize over this. This is within my reach.
Mike J: Yeap.
Me: Want me to do it right now?
Mike J: Well no, not now. He just has morsels from the appetizer on his plate right now. You have to wait until he gets served his meal. And you can't just do it on our way out of the restaurant either.
Me: Fine.

We wait for them to get served.

Me: You had to make this offer when I'm completely sober.
Mike J: No, everyone has balls when they're drunk. This is more fun.
Me: I'll give you 20 bucks to go over there and do it.
Mike J: Nope.
Me: Why not?
Mike J: Because you have bigger balls than me when we're sober.
Me: You don't think I'm going to do it do you?
Mike J: Nope.
Me: Stop trying to goad me into it. I know what you're doing.

The couple at the booth gets served. I tell the people at the table next to us about Mike's offer. Hey, if I'm going to do it, might as well have an audience.

Mike J (laughing): 60 bucks AND a medium-sized Care Bear.
Me (getting up): Let's do this.

I get up, walk over to their booth and sit down. They stare at me expectantly. Without a word, I reach over with my chopsticks and help myself to a piece of beef off the guy's plate. It looks small at first but as I put it in my mouth, the end dangles all the way down to my chin. I slurp it up, chewing ever so slowly. The guy tells me I owe him $1.50 now. I remain silent, as I am chewing very slowly and adhering to the letter of the bet's terms. He looks over at Mike. I look over at Mike. Mike is about to spit his water out and looks away. I am friendless, but determined to win our bet. He says it again. "Hey I don't mind, but you owe us $1.50 for that." I finally swallow and say "Yeah but I just made $80 bucks. And you only paid $60 for this meal." He says he should get half. I say "Nope, but thanks!" I return to me and Mike's table amidst applause from the people next to us. Oh yeah, and from the moment I sat down at their booth, everyone in our section of the restaurant was staring at me, wondering what I was doing. But again, if I'm going to publicly make an idiot of myself, I may as well do it with an audience.

Mike J: What did he say?
Me: He said I owed him $1.50.
Mike J: See?? I told you he was Jewish.
Me: I can't believe I didn't laugh.
Mike J: Nope, you went over there and ate off his plate like it was nobody's business.
Me: Where's my money.
Mike J: We'll stop at an ATM on the way home.


I told him he could forget about the Care Bear (even though that was the dealmaker) and just pretend I paid for my half of the meal. Now that I was rolling in cash and all. I picked up $20 from Mike earlier, when he bet I wouldn't tell some chick on a romantic date and tell her her bra was all up her back. Yes, I may have ruined two romantic dates. But I walked away with $80. And that's all that matters. Because "good will never triumph over evil, because GOOD is DUMB."