Random Thoughts Part 38906

Random Thoughts Part 38906

1. I really hate it when I'm a vain slut, even if it only happens in dreams (none of my friends better publicly challenge this statement if they know what's good for them). I had this dream last night that there were eight really hot brothers and they told me it was a point of contention among them that I hadn't banged any of them. I left the table and when I came back, the hottest one had left his number on the side of a matchbox. My ego was tickled in the dream so I called him up and went out with him. Of course, I never actually get laid in my dreams so I woke up right before it got truly dirty. My dreams suck.

2. Speaking of dreams, it's kind of amusing when your mind confuses events of slumber with real-life occurrences. I was drinking at a bowling alley with Tony awhile back (hey, we drink where we can. We're not picky) and I told him he had to take me to Satin Dolls one day since Lace management has banned me from the premises for threatening their bouncer. Tony got a bit huffy and said he already took me there, and that I cockblocked him by moving in on some stripper/bartender he dug.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about?
Tony (with a weird expression on his face as the realization dawns): Um, unless it was just a dream.
Me: Yeah it was a dream, I've never been to Satin Dolls. We always go to Lace and we hit up Delilah's Den down south once with Pete.
Tony: Oh, whoops. Well I had a dream that I was dating a bartender at Satin Dolls and she must have been hot because even you were trying to get at her. I'd show up there for lunch and you'd already be there, talking to her. (Editor's note: I'm only a lesbian in my friends' dreams.)
Me: Dude, I wouldn't cockblock you. Unless she was REALLY hot. Then all bets are off.

By the way, don't get me started on people who willingly eat at strip joints. It's unnatural.

3. My body is disgustingly resilient to chemicals. What is the world coming to when two sleeping pills chased with Thera-Flu won't knock you out anymore. Sleep. I must sleep. When I was in the hospital they almost strapped me down to the bed because I kept getting up and walking around. Apparently they were under the impression that being continuously infused with magnesium sulfate would hinder my ability to walk. I was like lady, I once drank Cisco (liquid crack), 2 40s of O.E. and 7 shots of Bacardi 151. You could infuse my veins with gasoline and my body would adjust.

4. I'm still laughing at the thought of telling people that Mike J goes to bars and plays the fireman card to get ass. "And then, while they're still teary-eyed at the thought of his heroics, he nails them." You might be thinking right now that I totally suck as a friend, but hey. I pick up random chicks at bars for my boys. A little light-hearted slander every now and again is a small price to pay.

5. I dropped a smoke on the ground and it rolled into a pile of leaves. By the time I found it, it was out. I really should quit. In protest of the fact that Marlboro's new cigarettes really blow. They did something funky to their smokes and now it goes out if you don't take a drag within 15 seconds. I'm sure their PR department is spinning the change as a pro-active measure to reduce the number of people killed because their dumb asses fell asleep while smoking in bed. But we know the real reason is that if the cigarette dies after 15 seconds, the person smokes faster and ends up needing a new pack more often. I'll add quitting to my list of New Year's resolutions. My resolutions are going to be exactly the same as last year. I think I only managed to knock off one on the list. In my weak ass defense, it's hard to quit when your significant other smokes as well. You're in there, fiending furiously and patting yourself on the back while he's out there, lighting up a stoge without a care in the world. What I need is monetary incentive. Or culinary incentive. Or alcoholic incentive. Any will do. Although the latter two increase the fiending. Drinking without smoking is like watching arena football. You're still technically watching football but something's not quite right.