New Year's Resolutions

Well it's February 8th.... what better time to finally list my New Year's Resolutions??? Yeah I know. But I've already admitted to being a procrastinator. And really there's no difference whether it takes me 12 months to not accomplish my resolutions or 11 months.

New Year's Resolutions

1. I resolve to not be such an ass. I swear I'm the mouthiest, most sarcastic person I know. So if all goes according to plan, possible changes in dialogue should go like this:

"Really?" instead of "Are you fucking kidding me??"
"No I didn't do that" instead of "How stupid do I look?"
"Yes, she's kind of promiscuous" instead of "No she's not a ho, she just likes sucking strange dick."
"No, I did not call her yet" instead of "Yeah, I spoke to her telepathically since I've been sitting here silent all morning."

2. I resolve to finally write my book. Using actual words. And chapters. I then resolve to get it published somehow, even if I have to talk one of my sluttier friends into banging some elderly publishing house editor for me. Because you know according to The Apprentice, that's apparently the only way women can get ahead.

3. I resolve to get more exercise than walking to the refrigerator for a Coke. I resolve to actually get my ass onto my exercise bike at least 4 times a week, instead of looking at my clothing-covered exercise bike and walking away towards the couch. I resolve to change my definition of "daily nutrition" from its current definition of Hot Pockets, vanilla-flavored Coke, Cool Guacamole Doritos and peanut butter cups to water, grilled chicken breast, vegetables and 2% milk. I've lost my pregnancy weight but I'd like to keep it off.

4. I resolve to study up on my French. As in language, not first base. I used to be able to read and speak it fairly well. Now I have to stop and think before remembering basic questions like "What time is it?" and "What's your name?" and "Your money or your life?"

5. I resolve to improve communication with my family and friends, "foreign sir... and domestic" (to quote one of Geo's favorite movies). As many of you know, I am horrible at returning e-mails, phone calls and letters. I'm so bad at it I even forget to check my e-mail and voicemail. The other day I had the (dis)pleasure of going through over 50 voice messages. I would have felt guilty except for the fact that most of them were from bill collectors, those greedy scavengers.

6. I resolve to stop keeping such idiotically late hours. What the hell is wrong with me. Only sociopaths are up this late. Oh.

I have more but I can't think of them. This will do for now. It's really only the first three that I care about anyway.