February 3, 2005

The Apprentice Episode I Don't Give A Crap

The Apprentice: Episode I Don't Give A Crap

So I gave it one more episode and barring every book in my house disappearing, or Geo and our children going to sleep 5 hours early, or the computer exploding, or one of my friends tying me down and duct-taping my eyes open with the television on Channel 4, I don't think I'll be watching it next week. It blows harder than a cheerleader on prom night.


-I liked the I-Pod idea but to be honest, I just liked it because I want one dammit!! I want my life to have a soundtrack too.

-The hot coffee versus cold coffee political debate idea was corny as hell but that's just from a consumer point of view. From a corporate point of view, I knew Nescafe was going to like it. Corporate higher-ups eat that corny shit up like free pizza in the conference room. We once put together a promo that I honestly thought was the lamest thing ever, but the superiors and the marketing firm who thought of it were convinced it was the greatest thing ever. But I'm not a marketing person so all those cheesy gimmicks are lost on me. In fact, they have an adverse effect. The stupider the marketing theme, the more determined I get to use the competitor's product.

-So Michael seems to be this week's dildo. What was up with his "The last person you want to frustrate is me I promise you that" line? What's he going to do, follow him around and whine him to death? And why can't the people on this show threaten anyone properly? Is there some sort of geek handbook that was passed around containing corny threats to use? And just a hint Michael while you're reaching for that cushy leather CEO's chair, "mediocrisy" is not a word.

-Of course, we can't have a show without at least one idiotic Trump-ism. Oh sorry, "idiotic" and "Trump-ism" was redundant. This week's seemingly innocuous statement was "that was a disaster." What are you talking aboutyou dillhole. There were a lot of people at their event. How can that be a "disaster" when there were only about three people at the event that won, and they only won because corporations love gimmicks. All that money and Trump can't even buy himself a fucking dictionary. Where's a shovel when you need one.

-Everyone's tripping about the $50,000 spent on an event planner, but that's how much that crap costs. If they were really at a complete loss as to how to plan an event (which is beyond me considering they're all college grads) then that's how much they had to shell out to get someone to think for them. We shelled out over six figures to an event planning firm for our event and my boss and I still did a ton of work.

-Chick With The Bangs aka Fingerbangs on the Magna team (a gay ass name by the way) is annoying as hell. It kind of creeps. You don't realize it until you're watching the private interviews and start dreaming about punching her.

-Speaking of The Apprentice and dreams and punching, last night I dreamt that I was on the show, but it was less about business and more about random other shit. Like we had to climb down a 10-story ladder in heels then put on some production using Broadway show tunes. The other contestants were Ashton Kutcher, this guy John I knew (who was the drummer for that band we used to watch every Wednesday night Love Lies Bleeding), Zack whoever from Saved By The Bell, a bunch of Spanish chicks and this ogre-like blond girl who kept yelling at people because she was trying to plan her wedding. I only remember snippets of the dream and no timeline at all. Just that we were hanging out at some pub owned by Jay Leno, the show went well but the scores were rigged and so I punched a blackboard and threatened to do the same to the judges and that I called the wedding chick a cunt on camera and the producers freaked. Good dream times.

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