February 11, 2005

Cucumber Afterbirth

Cucumber Afterbirth
(Sorry, I was tired of calling it the Apprentice Recap)

1. I loathe myself for still watching this show. Mainly because, Donald Trump has the personality and acting ability of a turnip. The "Look at me I'm such a mogul" scenes particularly grate.

2. Politics aside, Magna's idea with the woman and man handjobbing the cucumbers was comical but not very practical. How is some woman being left to masturbate with a cucumber, while two men run off because they'd rather have sex with each other, going to make a woman want to buy that product? Except maybe the S&M freaks who'll be like "What, it'll make me feel worthless? Sign me up!" Net worth's marathon idea was unoriginal. Haven't they seen the Herbal Essences commercials with the woman washing her hair and moaning in all sorts of public places?

3. They should have done MY idea for a commercial. Picture this... an anatomically correct woman made of regular Dove bar soap with ginormous honeydew melons for breasts is having sex with a cucumber... the screen flashes 9 months later and she's in labor... some grunting, pushing, lamaze breathing while the cucumber holds her hand and then.. out of her soap vagina comes a bottle of Dove Cucumber Melon body wash. The nurses wrap it up in a towel and the soap woman brings the bottle to her honeydew melon breast to feed. "Dove... so natural you'll feel as if it was part of your own body." See? Now that would be an interesting commercial. Yeah I know that wasn't the body wash they used but hey, it's MY commercial.

4. Nice staging with the temperamental actress. But I guess two-bit actresses acting like divas when they're so desperate for work they're doing commercials do exist.

5. Donnie Douche doesn't like the chef outfits because he "can't listen" to people presenting in "goofy outfits" but in the first season he was all about the women's fake ass stewardess outfits. And their "racy" penis and testicles airplane campaign which they would "never use" but picked as the winner because it was "creative." Yet the cucumber sex commercial is no good because "they would never air it." Nice consistency there Donnie. Glad to have you with us.

6. I was feeling the celadon color-coordinated outfits Net Worth rocked. Kwame would have fit right in with his celadon shirt and tie that I love. I must get a similar outfit for Geo. Maybe tomorrow we could go to Garden State and... sorry. Digressing.

7. Erin's facial expressions in the boardroom were cracking me up. She was making coy porn star faces like "Oooh... what's that you're putting in my ass?" The Magna team was so smart to keep their mouths shut while the other three chicks brawled. I don't like Audrey anymore, she bugged the whole episode. So maybe Erin is my new girl. I decided to implement an affirmative action program in my Apprentice cheer section. I will root for a woman this season. There's no way she could be worse than the runner-up chick last season. You remember last season? It concluded like five minutes before this season started.

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