Late Night Chats
Let me tell you why my nightly chat sessions with Ray and Steve please me so much. It's not just the threesome cybersex and Ray asking questions like "Hey Steve, have you ever moneyshotted anyone" although that's a fringe benefit. It's because I sit here doing nothing but be snarky and a horrible friend and I manage to score not one but TWO free Indian food dinners, PLUS a night of drinks (just open a tab my friend) AND a free lunch of the best soul food ever at Modish Cafe in Hillside.
How did I accomplish this amazing feat you ask, and all without having to take off any clothes?
During a particularly lively chat a week ago, I managed to score a rather embarrassing photo of Steve that he wants to keep on the DL. So he offered a bribe of a free Indian food dinner if I would refrain from posting the pic. Now everyone knows, The Food Whore does not turn down free dinners. No no no. So I happily agreed. However, the next day, Girlie learned of the bribe and offered me TWO Indian food dinners to post it. And today, Ray supplemented her offer with a night of free drinks and lunch at Modish. I apologized to Steve for being such an ass, but told him there was no way I could refuse such a tantalizing offer. To which he promptly responded that he would see all their demands and raise them some sushi. Sold!
Ray: I want to write a gay children's book. It'll be like Romeo and Juliet. Except porn.
Me: And how will the lovers kill themselves Ray? Step aerobics?
Ray: They'll die of heart attacks when their bedspread doesn't match with their pillow cases.
Me: So why wouldn't you bang her Steve, she's not good enough?
Ray: You should date her just to spite us.
Me: Yeah! We would be SO spited.
Ray: He works from home so he masturbates at work every day.
Steve: No, that's you.
Ray: I have a boyfriend, I don't need to.
Me: You can have a significant other and jerk off.
Steve: Is that cheating?
Me: Only if you're jerking off ONTO someone else.
Ray: What if you don't touch them? Or if they don't know about it?
Ray: Hey if MATT tells Riss... then I can't get in trouble.
Steve: Yes, you still can.
Matt: Tells Riss what?
Ray: Riss wants to know more about Steve and his sordid past.
Steve: NO. Matt don't tell her.
Me: Steve they could say you had sex with a one-legged midget guy and I wouldn't care.
Ray (gasping): Hey! Got it in one!
By the way, Steve isn't gay OR homowkward. Just thought I'd clarify before he kills me. Or worse, doesn't feed me.